Teenage Monster

Surprise, surprise... "Teenage Monster" isn't all that bad a sci-fi movie. Sure, the teenage monster is laughable: he doesn't look scary at all (just hairy) and you're left wondering if Gil Perkins decided to play a monster with a speech impediment or if he's trying to speak normally and the make-up is making him mumble. Anyway, the result is pretty hilarious. (I meant to say "scary", but the only word I could think of was "hilarious".)

But "Teenage Monster" is pretty educational: did you know what happens when a meteor strikes a father and his son? Well, I didn't! Apparently such a meteor strike kills a grown man, but not a child. However, the child will grow up with an exceptional amount of facial hair. Okay, so the plot seems to be ludicrous to non-existing at first, but give it a few minutes (not too many, the movie is only just over 60 minutes long) and see how scriptwriter Ray Buffum (also the man who penned "Teen-Age Crime Wave", "Brain from Planet Arous" and "Island of Lost Women") adds a few interesting touches to the script: see how the monster's mother tries to hide her son from the villagers (it doesn't help that the sheriff is in love with her) and how the monster is abused by another character. This may not sound too spectacular (and indeed it isn't), but do remember that most 50s sci-fi films offered you a cheesy monster and a dull story: "Teenage Monster", directed by Jacques R. Marquette (famous for directing "Teenage Monster" and ... oh, that's it?), at least tries to offer the viewer a compelling story. Compelling it isn't, but at least it keeps you from being bored and waiting for the next scene with the unconvincing monster.

Conflating the Western, horror and teenage movie genres as it does, "Teenage Monster" (1957) is a unique experience indeed. It also features the most frightening monster in a late 1800s Western setting since Mercedes McCambridge stalked through the plains of "Johnny Guitar" (1954). In this film, a meteor that looks like a July 4th sparkler crashes near the mine of the Cannon family, killing Paw and turning young Charles into a mutant of sorts. Seven years later, Charles is the eponymous teenage monster, killing cattle and the occasional passerby, while his Maw must hide him from the townsfolk and deal with her new blackmailing hussy of a housekeeper. Charles, as a teenager, looks like nothing more than a long-haired and long-bearded hippie with bad teeth (I've seen worse walking the streets of the East Village!), despite the makeup work by Jack "Frankenstein" Pierce. His garbled, whining attempts at speech are reminiscent of a constipated canine and are quite pathetic, but still had me cracking up somehow. Anne Gwynne, who was featured in any number of 1940s Universal horror films, is fine as Charles' sacrificing mother, and, actually, their relationship is kinda sweet. Still, the film, fun as it is, is patently ridiculous, and with a very rushed ending to boot. Even my revered "Psychotronic Encyclopedia" calls it "awful." My tastes must be getting more and more dubious, though, because I did have a good time with this unique little quickie.

Hey - it's a 50's horror movie, what can we expect, kids?

This one is truly original in that it actually combines werewolves, meteors, and the Old West. However, the sci-fi aspect (meteors) is particularly tenuous - the 'meteor' appears to be a lit sparkler held close to the camera in soft focus. And the 'grown-up' Charles is just unbelievable, even if he is a werewolf - it's seven years later, but he looks at least 40. But if you can deal with 50'd Sci-Fi - you'll find this fun. Nice comment on manipulative women as well -actually a fairly coherent, if more than a bit far out - plot.

This movie came out in the late 1950's when science fiction/monster/teenager movies were all the rage, so I guess the producers of this picture decided to try and combine all three, plus throw in a western setting to come up with 1957's "Teenage Monster". This movie is cheesy, but is actually not bad, if you can get past the "monster", who is not scary looking at all, but instead looks like a 50 year old half man, half ape in cowboy boots and jeans. It's unintentionally hilarious.

The premise of the movie is that a teenager turns into a hairy beast after being exposed to a meteor that fell to earth and killed his father when he was a little boy. The movie never explains why the father was killed and the boy survived, and why being exposed would turn him into a cross between the incredible hulk and an ape who mumbles when he speaks and is several sandwiches shy of a picnic.

Ann Gwynne plays the monster's mother. She is a good actress, but she is pretty much reduced to scolding the teenage monster and crying throughout most of the movie. Despite these flaws, this movie really a hoot. I love cheesy 1950 drive in movies, and this is one of the better ones in my opinion.

MORD39 RATING: ** of ****

This is not a classic by any means, and it shouldn't be expected to be one. The 1950's gave us simple, cheesy fun from more innocent times (which we could all use again).

TEENAGE MONSTER succeeds in providing us with all the things we love in these half-baked films: A laughable monster, former Universal Forties film star Anne Gwynne looking embarassed just having to BE in it, and a scant running time of just over 60 minutes that breezes by with good, clean fun. I'll watch this over a a true modern piece of manure (like 1999's THE MUMMY) any day.