- Eric Morecambe: [on seeing that Phillipe, who is sitting next to him, has just collapsed into his soup after being poisoned] Waiter!
- Ernie Sage: Yes?
- Eric Morecambe: I have a complaint to make.
- Ernie Sage: What?
- Eric Morecambe: There's a dead man in this soup.
- Eric Morecambe: I've resigned; I've finished.
- Ernie Sage: You can't resign. The whole relationship between East and West depends on you.
- Eric Morecambe: I'm not worried about that. And do you know why?
- Ernie Sage: Why?
- Eric Morecambe: I'm from the North, that's why.
- Eric Morecambe: Are there any birds involved?
- Reed: Birds?
- Eric Morecambe: Birds, son. He knows nothing. Birds. Beautiful spies with negligees and things.
- Colonel Grant: There's never been an operation yet that hasn't exploited the... physical attractions of women.
- Eric Morecambe: Physical attractions of women. A, well, you see, that changes the whole thing completely because if I'm going to get involved with fast women, who use... sex...
- [to Ernie]
- Eric Morecambe: I'm sorry about that.
- Ernie Sage: That's all right.
- Eric Morecambe: ...who use sex for their own unscrupulous ends, well... I'm the man for the job.