- Diane: Thank heavens you came along, darling. I'm completely flat!
- Todd Armstrong: [checks out her gold bikini] I wouldn't say that.
- Diane: The tire, dear boy. The tire!
- D.J. Pevney: Sometimes I suspect that you forget you're a member of Secret Intelligence Command. You're a SIC man.
- Diane: Aren't you nice! I declare, there's somethin' about you that makes my little ole heart go flipity-flipity. It's amazin'.
- Craig Gamble: And you're amazing. Mind if I sit down?
- Diane: Reckon I'd swoon if you would... Mr. Armstrong.
- Craig Gamble: No. No, my name is Gamble. Craig Gamble.
- Diane: Aw, you're funnin' with me. I just know you're Todd Armstrong.
- Craig Gamble: No, I tell you my name is Craig Gamble. I'm with Secret Intelligence Command. What's your name, beautiful?
- Diane: Diane.
- Craig Gamble: Something in your eye?
- Diane: Mmm hmm. Little ol' you. Reckon I'm takin' care of you from now on, sweetie.
- Craig Gamble: I've already got a mother.
- Diane: Silly boy, not like a mother.
- Craig Gamble: A sister?
- Diane: Keep talkin'.
- Craig Gamble: What else is there?
- Diane: You've reached votin' age and you all don't know what else?
- Craig Gamble: [Clears his throat] Well, well I...
- Diane: How would you like to kiss me? I just adore being kissed. In fact, I'm just insatiable?
- Craig Gamble: How would you like a drink?
- Diane: But, who needs it?
- Craig Gamble: Well, I thought maybe you'd want a drink because...
- Diane: Come here, Tiger.
- Todd Armstrong: Mmm. Whoever you are, honey, I could, I could love you to pieces.
- Diane: What took you so long. I knew that the moment I saw you.
- The Supremes: [singing] Dr. Goldfoot and his bikini machine, Dr. Goldfoot- the wildest thing that you'd ever seen, There once was a man with a machine, Dr. Goldfoot and his bikini machine, Whenever he needed a girl on the scene, Dr. Goldfoot and his bikini machine, He'd push a button and just like nothing a girl would appear, A queen - my dear, The cutest girl in the whole wide world and she'd behave, just like a slave. Wooo!
- Craig Gamble: What's a rotten girl like you doing in a nice place like this?
- Diane: Why don't we traipse on over to your place and talk about honey child.
- Craig Gamble: Honey child, let's traipse.
- D.J. Pevney: With the whole free world in an uproar, how could you sit in that office mooning over some *babe* you picked up in a cafeteria?
- Craig Gamble: I resent you calling her a babe, Uncle Donald. She's a fine, upstanding girl - with character.
- D.J. Pevney: You didn't say anything about her character yesterday. All you were talking about was her legs!
- D.J. Pevney: What is your code number?
- Craig Gamble: [beaming proudly] Double-O and-a-half.
- D.J. Pevney: [mockingly] "Double-O and-a-half." And you fancy yourself as a secret agent... Why, they won't even allow you to carry a gun, until you get a digit instead of a fraction!
- Craig Gamble: Uncle Donald, well, at least can you give me your opinion?
- D.J. Pevney: All right, I will: YOU'RE NUTS!
- Dr. Goldfoot: [as he and Igor lead Craig and Todd to the dungeon] The rooms I'm about to show you are the most interesting in my workshop. Oh, incidentally, these are some of my ancestors.
- Dr. Goldfoot: [Indicates various portrait paintings on the wall] This was my great-grandfather - the most bloodthirsty pirate who was ever hung, drawn and quartered. And this one brought the terrors of the Inquisition to the peaceful villages of Carpathia - I like him! And this is Sandor the Slob. He was a Slav. He taught Attila the Hun everything he knew. Admirable character - strong family resemblance.
- Dr. Goldfoot: [as Igor is monitoring Diane's activity with Craig on a closed circuit TV screen] Igor!
- Igor: Yes, Dr. Goldfoot?
- Dr. Goldfoot: You bumbling idiot!
- Igor: I did something wrong?
- Dr. Goldfoot: "Something wrong?" - you sent her to the wrong man, that's what you did wrong.
- Igor: I did?
- Dr. Goldfoot: Yes! That's Craig Gamble, and he hasn't got a penny.
- Igor: But Dr. Goldfoot, I thought...
- Dr. Goldfoot: "You thought" - that's just the trouble. You leave the thinking to me, and we'll be much better off. Ha! Creating a lovely creature like that to waste her... "ammunition" on a, on a *pauper*! Fie on you! You're an idiot!
- Dr. Goldfoot: You know, Igor, I'm beginning to regret that I brought you back to life.
- Igor: Why?
- Dr. Goldfoot: You're inept. Obtuse. Uncouth. Unlettered. Ungrateful. Uncooperative. Uncouth...
- Igor: You said "uncouth," Dr. Goldfoot.
- Dr. Goldfoot: ...and unnecessary. But then, that's what I get for... digging up a gravedigger.
- [pats Igor on the shoulder, as Igor hangs his head]
- Dr. Goldfoot: [Igor has gotten locked in one of the cells in Dr. Goldfoot's dungeon] You know, Igor, by rights I should put this beam through your worthless skull and leave you here to *rot*!
- Igor: But Doctor...
- Dr. Goldfoot: My empire, everything I've created is in jeopardy.
- Igor: Oh, no...
- Dr. Goldfoot: Oh, yes. We must stop them before they reach the authorities.
- Igor: I'll do my very best!
- Dr. Goldfoot: Oh, not *that*.
- Diane: When people are nice to me, I'm nice to them, Todd Armstrong.
- Todd Armstrong: Todd Armstrong? I...
- Diane: Shhh. Don't break the spell.
- [kiss]
- Craig Gamble: Uncle Donald, this is the real thing!
- D.J. Pevney: Your career is the real thing and you're kicking it right in the pants!
- D.J. Pevney: Now, you see all these red flags. Trouble spots. South-Eastern Asia. The Caribbean. The Congo. I'll give you one guess as to who's responsible?
- Craig Gamble: Me?
- D.J. Pevney: Well, I'm not talking about Mickey Mouse!
- Diane: I won't forget it again, doctor.
- Dr. Goldfoot: No. I'm sure you won't, after you've been disciplined in the chair.
- Diane: Oh!
- Igor: Oh, no, doctor.
- Dr. Goldfoot: Oh, yes.
- Dr. Goldfoot: Don't go gentlemen. I'd be offended if you didn't allow me a chance to offer you my hospitality. Oh, my machine. Perhaps that would interest you. Follow me. This is my machine, my bikini machine.
- Dr. Goldfoot: Gentlemen, gentlemen, your wine, your wine. Château Frontenac 1947. Excellent vintage, don't you think? Well, here's to your health! May you still have it tomorrow.
- Craig Gamble: [During Dr. Goldfoot's tour of his dungeon, they run across Annette Funicello in the pillory] It can't be.
- Todd Armstrong: Craig, you've had a pretty rough week. How would you like a little vacation in Paris?
- Craig Gamble: Oh, I don't think I could...
- Todd Armstrong: As my guest.
- Craig Gamble: Oui! Oui!
- Diane: Coffee, Tea or Loving?
- D.J. Pevney: What do you think?
- [to Craig and Todd]
- D.J. Pevney: Fellas, the minute I saw this little Austrian cookie, it was love at first sight.