- Thaddeus McCloud: I'm going nuts!
- Doris Reid Weaver: Thad, why in heaven's name did you let Leslie run for the Presidency?
- Thaddeus McCloud: Because I never thought she'd make it!
- Thaddeus McCloud: What is he crazy? The only thing I know about foreign relations is my uncle who lives up in Canada.
- Thaddeus McCloud: This must be the first lady's bedroom.
- Leslie McCloud: It must be.
- Thaddeus McCloud: Leslie, you don't mean you're actually going to try to shove me in here?
- Leslie McCloud: Oh, you have your very own private dressing room.
- Thaddeus McCloud: Well, if you think I gave up my golf club membership and prospering business so I could sleep in something like this!
- Leslie McCloud: And to the right, the President's Bedroom. It isn't very feminine.
- Thaddeus McCloud: Maybe you - maybe you should appeal to Congress for some... curtains. Make it your first official act and the women of America would be proud that they picked a President who knows first things come first.
- Gloria McCloud: Everywhere I go, there they'll be, standing by to protect me. From guys! And even the girls won't want me around; because, the cops will scare the guys away from them. Oh, father, as long as I'm going to be miserable, please put me in a private school for girls where at least I won't see what I'm missing.
- Gloria McCloud: I'd rather starve.
- Peter McCloud: I'd rather starve, too; but, I can't stand being hungry.
- Doris Reid Weaver: Darling, I did have you first. I'd steal you away from Leslie in a minute; but, I suppose you're government property now. And, I wouldn't want those hard little men in trench coats running around after me. Do you suppose Leslie would give me a government pardon?
- Blonde's Escort: Did you invite him here?
- Blonde: No.
- Raphael Valdez Jr.: She walks like an invitation.
- Thaddeus McCloud: You are my President and I must treat you as such.
- [kiss]
- Leslie McCloud: I didn't know that was standard treatment for Presidents.
- Thaddeus McCloud: Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- [takes Leslie over to the bed]
- Leslie McCloud: Darling, if you'll wait just one minute I can get into something comfortable for you.
- Thaddeus McCloud: Times a-wastin' and I don't trust those two telephones.
- [kiss]
- Leslie McCloud: What are you reading?
- Thaddeus McCloud: It's a - you wouldn't be interested. It's Theodore White's "The Making of a President."
- Raphael Valdez Jr.: [at a strip club] I like her very much! Your country, most of the women are very bold. What is her name?
- Thaddeus McCloud: The sign says her name is Nana Peel.
- Raphael Valdez Jr.: Nana Peel? That's a ridiculous name. But it's, very suggestive. No doubt, very good for business.
- Doris Reid Weaver: Here, smell my earlobe.
- Thaddeus McCloud: That smells good. A little like me, but, a lot better.
- Doris Reid Weaver: It's the same perfume, except that when it blends with my personal body chemistry it - it's a different fragrance, than when it blends with yours.
- Thaddeus McCloud: Oh. I guess maybe my personal body chemistry is martini.
- Leslie McCloud: [Thad spanks Leslie's behind] Don't get fresh! I'll have you drafted.
- Thaddeus McCloud: You can't have me drafted, I'm too old. But, I'm not too old to get fresh!
- Leslie McCloud: Maybe we should do away with those dull, formal receptions and have intimate affairs.
- Thaddeus McCloud: Yeah, that's what I like. Intimate affairs.
- Thaddeus McCloud: "Leslie" can be either a man's name or a woman's name.
- Raphael Valdez Jr.: Yes, but it can be very confusing.
- Raphael Valdez Jr.: Miss President, I did not come here to have my country insulted.
- Leslie McCloud: Aren't you perhaps confusing yourself with your country?
- Peter McCloud: Dad, how come we have to have ushers in our new house - like at the movies?
- Thaddeus McCloud: Because your mother went out and got herself elected President. That's how come. And we're lucky we have ushers; because, there'll be thousands of people traipsing in and out of here all day long and we wouldn't want to get caught in the shower, would we?
- Jackson: This is the Oval Room, sometimes called the President's Study. To your right is the President's Bedroom. Beyond that, the First Lady's Bedroom and Dressing Room.
- Thaddeus McCloud: Thank you.
- Leslie McCloud: Thank you, Mr. Jackson.
- Thaddeus McCloud: As I recall, those two children of ours were born in wedlock.
- Leslie McCloud: Oh, darling, I'm tired. I want to go to bed.
- Thaddeus McCloud: Well, come on!
- Leslie McCloud: Oh, I've got so much reading to do.
- Joseph: Tell me what the family might like for dinner and where you wish it served.
- Thaddeus McCloud: Joseph, that's a little out of my line. Who usually plans the menu.
- Joseph: The First Lady, sir.
- Thaddeus McCloud: Oh, so you want me to do it.
- Joseph: Well, sir, the President is very busy.
- Thaddeus McCloud: Well, I guess I do have a job after all.
- Thaddeus McCloud: You scared?
- Leslie McCloud: A little.
- Thaddeus McCloud: Well, don't be sweetheart. You'll do just fine.
- Leslie McCloud: Oh, Thad, I hope so.
- Thaddeus McCloud: You will! Believe me. After all, you have a better background than some of the previous tenants. A daughter of an Ambassador, a niece of a Senator, former judge, wife, mother, and a graduate of Radcliffe. What other President could make that statement?
- Leslie McCloud: Thad, you have the most wonderful talent for making me feel good.
- Thaddeus McCloud: What's up?
- Leslie McCloud: I'm sorry, darling. Classified information.
- [blows Thad a kiss and leaves]
- Thaddeus McCloud: Leslie, do you realize that this is the first time we've been alone in three months? I mean, really alone? All those cities, all those speeches. Three months seems like three years.
- Leslie McCloud: I know, darling.
- Thaddeus McCloud: You know something, you're the prettiest President we've ever had.
- [pulls her down onto the bed]
- Leslie McCloud: Oh, darling, I - I have to meet with the Secretary of Labor first thing in the morning and I - I must read this report.
- Thaddeus McCloud: Oh, come on. The kids are asleep, the voters have gone home, and the press is at rest. Let's not share the magic of this moment with the Department of Labor.
- [goes in for a kiss as the phone rings]
- Thaddeus McCloud: Do I get to plan all the meals, even the big dinners?
- Joseph: Well, sir, I make suggestions; but, you make the decisions.
- Thaddeus McCloud: Goodie!
- Peter McCloud: How come I gotta go to school and you get to hang around the house all day long doing nothin'?
- Thaddeus McCloud: That is a fair question. Well, suppose you own an electronics research company which receives quite a few government orders. And all at once 40 million woman ganged up on you and elected your wife President of the United States.
- Peter McCloud: So?
- Thaddeus McCloud: So, as a matter of ethics you sell the company. Is that clear?
- Peter McCloud: No!
- Thaddeus McCloud: Well, why isn't it?
- Peter McCloud: I never heard of ethics.
- Thaddeus McCloud: I'm practically a stranger in town. Why don't you make some plans for me too. Nothing, bawdy, you understand; but, I'm not against having a little fun.
- Leslie McCloud: I'm sorry to keep you waiting Sen. Walsh.
- Sen. Walsh: May I say, it is always an honor to call on the President; but, in deed, a pleasure to find so lovely a creature behind such a noble desk.
- Doris Reid Weaver: I'd have been here sooner; but, those guards kept stopping me. They did everything but frisk me!
- Gloria McCloud: Think what this will do to me, father! I mean, here I am, a strange, new girl starting at a strange new school and this Fuzz is hanging around to scare the guys off!
- Thaddeus McCloud: Fuzz?
- Doris Reid Weaver: Now, who ever would have thought my roommate at Radcliffe would one day become President!
- Thaddeus McCloud: Doris, you're just as beautiful as ever. Of course, you ought to be with that string of beauty parlors all over the world.
- Doris Reid Weaver: Salons, darling.
- Thaddeus McCloud: Oh, I'm sorry.
- Doris Reid Weaver: You look as virile as ever!
- Doris Reid Weaver: How sweet of you to remember me after all these years.
- Thaddeus McCloud: Are you kidding? How could I ever forget the torrid love of my madcap youth!
- Leslie McCloud: Excuse me. I must get back to my office.
- Thaddeus McCloud: And I must repair to my boudoir to make ready for the feast and the hunting.
- Leslie McCloud: Goodbye, sweet nut.
- Leslie McCloud: How well do you think you'd fair in a really free election?
- Raphael Valdez Jr.: We have elections in my country!
- Leslie McCloud: When was the last one?
- Raphael Valdez Jr.: That was - that was the that last one preceded the one we will have immediately in the future.
- Leslie McCloud: Twenty-five years ago. Exactly twenty-five years ago and the only candidate was your father.
- Rizzutti - Mechanic: Mr. McCloud, my wife she voted for your wife.
- Thaddeus McCloud: Oh, that's very nice. I'll be sure and tell her.
- Rizzutti - Mechanic: And now that your wife is the President, my wife is a pain in the neck! I should ship her back to the old country where she will learn again who's the boss, huh?
- Raphael Valdez Jr.: You are so beautiful. What a pity that we both belong - to the people. Miss President.
- [wink]
- Gloria McCloud: Sneaker Morton. You know, he is the only one that wasn't scared off by the SS.
- Leslie McCloud: SS?
- Gloria McCloud: Secret Service.
- Thaddeus McCloud: I'm a freak. I'm the first First Lady with a background in electronics and they don't know what to do with me. *I* don't know what to do with me.
- Doris Reid Weaver: The men's line hasn't been doing too well lately. Doris Reid Products has sort of a - a feminine connotation and men just naturally shy away from it. Now, it'd be a different story with you as Vice President in charge of the men's division.
- Thaddeus McCloud: Vice President?
- Doris Reid Weaver: You'd give the products a whole new image. A real he-man, two-fisted, lady-killer image!
- Thaddeus McCloud: You know, I already have a slogan: If you want to feel like a man, smell like a man.
- Doris Reid Weaver: If you want to feel like a man, act like a man. How about sealing the partnership with a kiss?
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