- Cappy: Not you again.
- Eric Von Zipper: Yep, it's me.
- Cappy: I though maybe you'd skip us this year.
- Eric Von Zipper: I like you. And when Eric Von Zipper likes someone, they stay liked.
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: Here, take a look, please.
- Marianne: Oh, not me! I blush easily. I'm a Philadelphia girl.
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: Marianne, this book will be my triumph.
- Marianne: And you'll never get it though the mail. But hang on to the picture rights, I'm sure American International will snap it up in a minute.
- [Eric Von Zipper's motorcycle run away and crashes]
- J.D.: You did it again, boss.
- Eric Von Zipper: You stupid, fix it!
- Cappy: Just one thing, Professor, will you level with me? What's with the feather duster? The beard? You think it moves the chicks?
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: No, it usually works the other way.
- Cappy: I don't dig. You don't want to level with me?
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: All right, I'll level with you. When I first started out at Harvard, I was the youngest professor at the university. I was so young that it was sickening. No one took me seriously. Every time when I opened my mouth to speak, my students laughed, the other professors laughed, even the janitors laughted. Well, I knew it couldn't go on for long before I would be fired by the dean who did not want a professor that his students didn't take seriously. So one day at lunch, I sat down in the student cafeteria and presented my problem to this old professor friend of mine. And without even glancing up from his soup, he said to me: "buy yourself a pair of glasses and grow a beard." So you see, all of this is just 18 years of professor windowdressing.
- Cappy: Amazing how our lives parallel. You have that, and I have this.
- [points to the goatee on his chin]
- Cappy: You know why I grew this? I got a dimple in my chin and I didn't want anyone mistaking me for Kirk Douglas.
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: But you don't look anything like Kirk Douglas.
- Cappy: See? It works.
- Cappy: Can I ask you something, Professor? Are you studying these kids sex lives, or you getting involved in it?
- Eric Von Zipper: Ah, Professor?
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: Yes, Mr. Von Zipper?
- Eric Von Zipper: I wonder if we could talk for a minute?
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: You mean like palaver?
- Eric Von Zipper: We could do that, too.
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: I'm doing research on post-adolescent surf dwellers. I'm writing a book. It's called the Sutwell Report.
- Cappy: How 'bout that.
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: I'm studying their rather primitive behavior patterns.
- Cappy: Boy, you came to the right cat. If anything you want to know about these kids I can tell you the whole thing in two words - they're nuts.
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: They're nuts?
- Cappy: Yes, see, you noticed it too.
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: [flying DeeDee in his plane] Dolores, this is a great little plane, it will do anything.
- Dolores: [her face turns green] Will it land?
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: [helping DeeDee out of the plane] Will I see you tomorrow?
- Dolores: Only if they allow me visitors.
- Dolores: [singing] We got an early start
- Frankie: We're gonna have a ball
- Dolores: We're gonna ride the surf
- Frankie: And that ain't...
- Frankie, Dolores: Allllllllllll! Nothin' is greater than the sand, surfing, salt air, Unrack our boards just as soon as we get there, Stack 'em in the sand while they're breaking just right, Yeah, we're surfin' all day and swingin' all night, Vacation is here - Beach Party tonight!
- Marianne: Well! I can see the headlines now: Famed Anthropologist Dr. R. O. Sutwell Arrested As A Peeping Tom.
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: My, dear young woman, at this moment I'm concentrating on developmental biology in human beings.
- Marianne: That's what I mean.
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: It's my new book. Oh, by the way, how do you like this title: The Behavior Pattern of the Young Adult and it's Relation to Primitive Tribes.
- Marianne: I've got a shorter title.
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: What's that?
- Marianne: Teenage Sex!
- Marianne: I'll help.
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: Thank you, Marianne.
- Marianne: On one condition.
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: Yes, what's that?
- Marianne: After you write this book on sex...
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: Yes?
- Marianne: Read it!
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: The music you hear in the background they're playing - a brief footnote on a comparison to Haitian Voodoo ceremony.
- Dick Dale: [singing] Well, I looked at the beach, there was nothin' but chicks, Rolled breakin' in, gonna get my kicks, I'm surfin', Surfin' and a-surfin', Oh, the sand and the sea - the only life for me, I'm surfin', Yeah, I'm surfin', Just surfin'...
- Frankie: [singing] Oh, every time you twist your hips, Something inside goes a flippity-flip, What you're doings getting to me, Don't stop now...
- Eric Von Zipper: What's a matter, baby? You gotta problem?
- Dolores: Yeah, that oversexed maniac with that - that girl.
- Dolores: You better let me go.
- Eric Von Zipper: Hey! I like you. And what Eric Von Zipper wants, he gets.
- [moves in for a kiss]
- Dolores: No. No! Don't!
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: Excuse me. Excuse me.
- Eric Von Zipper: Huh?
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: I'm R.O. Sutwell. I'm sorry to intrude; but, you're molesting this young lady.
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: Dolores, I've got to confess something to you. You've suddenly become very important to me and I'm interested in finding out more about you.
- Dolores: Oh?
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: You see, I'm an explorer. I explore. You understand?
- Dolores: Yes, I understand.
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: You're my first contact.
- Dolores: Really? At your age?
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: Yes. And to men at my age, first contacts are terribly important.
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: You know, I think it would be better if we talked this over at my place.
- Dolores: [gulp] Alright.
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: You mean you will?
- Dolores: Yes.
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: Tomorrow then.
- Dolores: Tomorrow?
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: Yes, say about noon.
- Dolores: Oh, Robert, you even know when a girl shouldn't be rushed!
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: Would you say that I'm an old man?
- Marianne: Older than what?
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: Older than young.
- Marianne: [Dolores leaves] No wonder you feel old.
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: Marianne, that's my first contact. It's pure research! It's business.
- Marianne: Lolita business.
- Dolores: Isn't it a hooting day!
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: Yes, it - a hooting day?
- Dolores: The sets are so glassy!
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: The sets are glassy?
- Dolores: The waves! They're just like glass!
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: Oh, I see. Tell me something. Hooting, now, as I see it, means, sort of a cry of pleasure - from the word: to hoot?
- Dolores: Oh, yeah. Robert, you're so intelligent!
- Marianne: By the way, how did the game go last night? Any home runs?
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: No. But, it wasn't exactly a shut out.
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: I'm really enjoying this. Scratch you later, chick.
- Marianne: Eh, *dig* you later.
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: Dig? Oh, yes, yes. Yes, I must work on that.
- Dolores: Robert, you know I like you very much.
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: I like you too.
- Dolores: Thank you. But, I just can't stand by and listen to what they're saying about you behind your back.
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: What are they saying?
- Dolores: They're calling you awful things, like: hair mattress, old billy goat, pig bristles, and the finger!
- Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: The finger?