Rocket Attack U.S.A.

OK, this isn't bad on the order of say, Monster A-Go Go, but it is still one crappy movie. The Soviet Union launched Sputnik in 1957 and pretty much freaked out all of America. This little chunk of dreck is one of the results of that paranoia. Cheaply made, poorly acted, and beyond forgiveness in its depiction of the cold war, this is one huge pile of wasted film.

The background music is too loud, when it's there, and doesn't match what's going on on-screen. There is a mindless narrator that pipes up every now and then and only makes the story more confusing. Totally random characters are thrown in for no reason I could fathom. Example: An air raid siren blares and people are seen rushing toward underground shelters. A blind man wanders slowly into frame and quietly says "Help me", and that's the last we see of him.

Add in a couple reels of stock footage, some horrible accents, extremely annoying sound effects, and animation that wouldn't have cut it in the '30's and you get the idea. A waste of time on all levels.

The only name you will recognize from the cast of Rocket Attack USA is that of Art Metrano who came to be a respected character actor most noted for being Captain Mauser in the Police Academy films. I'm sure he must have shuddered with horror at being associated with this monstrosity of a Cold War era film made to exploit the paranoia surrounding the Sputnik launching.

With a lot of newsreel footage Rocket Attack USA is two different films stitched rather clumsily together both very bad. The first film is a documentary style film about the importance of making rocket research our number one defense priority. With the launch of Sputnik that means the Soviets have a definite lead in missiles if they can put a satellite in orbit. Right around this time we were hearing talk of a 'missile gap' by candidates for president in real life.

The second is maybe the worst espionage story in history as we send in an agent to stop the launch of a missile with an atomic warhead bound for New York. No gimmicks or gadgets and two of the worst players in the history of film get in a little nookie while attempting to stop the Russian rocket.

Definitely right up there with anything that Ed Wood ever created and probably worse. Poor Art Metrano, you'll see him briefly playing a truck driver. He must have cringed at the mention of Rocket Attack USA.

Quick checklist: There's a rocket. There's the USA; well mostly Russia. There is a threat of an attack. Guns are fired. Spies do their thing. Soldiers with bad russian accents ponder the term `credibility'. Oh, there's also a bald russian guy who drinks a lot and paws poor American spy girl. A rather heavy American couple part company and he promises to get a tie. Other than, nothing much happens in this good simulation of purgatory. There are a lot annoying BLEEPS and WOOO sirens. Good stock footage of New York, planes taking off, rockets firing. I also loved the rocket which was so advanced it had no shadow.

This movie was great...till it began.

For an example of a fun movie to spend an hour with, see TRAPPED BY TELEVISION from 1936. On the opposite end of the spectrum, if you want to spend that hour in abject misery you should watch ROCKET ATTACK U.S.A. from 1961. I can't say it's the worst movie I've ever seen (that dishonor belongs to another…) but it is most definitely one of the worst. I watched these two movies hour-long movies of bygone eras (TRAPPED BY TELEVISION and ROCKET ATTACK U.S.A.) back-to-back the other day and the two of them could not have been more different. ROCKET ATTACK U.S.A. is a spy movie for people who hate spy movies. And movies in general. And life. It opens with Russia's launch of Sputnik satellite into orbit and jumps immediately to the United States Department of Defense where people are worried that it will be used to collect data for the enemy. The decision is made to waste no time dropping a central intelligence agent, John Manston (John McKay), behind enemy lines to meet with a Soviet defector named Tanya (Monica Davis). Tanya will use her connections inside the Russian government as an official's mistress to get information on Sputnik's true purpose and the potential likelihood of an attack on the United States. Then a bunch of nothing happens, your interest most like declines to the point of physical pain, and after a while we get the inevitable missile attack against the United States in a film that I assume was meant to scare the American population into hating Russia even more.

I don't know if I'm even justified in commenting on this horrible, horrible film because, despite having actually seen it twice now (and this I promise…never again), I have no real idea what goes on once John makes contact with Tanya in Moscow because this movie is so incredibly dull and so horribly executed that I am incapable of keeping interest. I might be looking at the screen as the movie is playing but my attention begins dropping off exponentially until I'm left glassy-eyed and slack-jawed. I'm essentially comatose for twenty or thirty minutes until finally something of interest happens in the film and John sneaks (unsuccessfully) onto a Russian military base and finds the missiles locked and loaded for assault on the United States. Then we shift over to New York City where we spend some time getting to know a bunch of regular folk for a few minutes in a desperate attempt to add emotional weight to the final few minutes of the film. I haven't managed to find any sort of confirmation but, from the quality and content of ROCKET ATTACK U.S.A., it reeks of anti-Soviet propaganda. I really want to know if this movie was developed and released to help fuel the average American's fear of the Russians. Or maybe it's not and director Barry Mahon was venting some of his own personal fears through this film. I don't know and I've already stopped caring. Regardless of what ROCKET ATTACK U.S.A. was supposed to be, it's garbage. Unwatchable garbage.

I mean, come on…it's just so poorly done. Movies had been around long enough that we had an understanding of character development, story structure, drama and creating tension. This uses absolutely none of it. The only characters we spend any real time with are Manston and Tanya, and I couldn't care less about either. John McKay seems as if he's genuinely trying to act in a spy film (and failing) while Monica Davis may as well have been pulled in off the street. She's just bad. So, right off the bat, I don't care about the characters. What about the story? If it's interesting enough, I might be able to forgive some of the film's other problems. Nope. Nope, nope, nope. Story's crap. What little bit I walked away with, anyway. You see, most of the film's exposition is delivered in droning voice-over narration. And some of the character motivation, too. Seeing as how no one in this film bothers to act, the narrator is left with the job of telling us how characters are feeling. It's insufferable and impossible to follow as a result. I dare you to find anyone who'll enjoy this movie non-ironically. Because this movie fails on so many levels, I can't see it being effective propaganda because I can't imagine anyone sitting through this movie at full attention. If anything, ROCKET ATTACK U.S.A. could've been used to torture suspected Communist sympathizers into confession. Just stay away from this movie. Or don't. I don't care. But just remember I warned you.

**ROCKET ATTACK U.S.A. Fun Fact: director Barry Mahon and "actress" Monica Davis went on to create a bunch of old-timey porn sounding movies (not necessarily together) including 1000 SHAPES OF A FEMALE, SIN IN THE CITY, UNHOLY MATRIMONY, and RUN SWINGER RUN.

This movie must be the only terrible movie to be too terrible to be panned on MST3K (which it was...). Did any of these "actors" actually paid for this trash? This makes the 1951 Invasion USA look like academy award material. Who was Barry Mahon trying to kid? How about a worst movie of all time festival with this piece of you-know-what, Monster A-Go-Go, and Manos the Hands of Fate as the headliners? The production was the cheapest, the actors the worst, the plot was stupid and contrived, the so-called facts about the Soviet Union and sputnik weren't. How about all those "foreign" accents, eh? Well Mahon may have gotten the miniscule amount of spoken Russian right as they were spoken by two real Russians (noticed them in the credits).