- Lucy Ricardo: How much do you want to bet?
- Fred Mertz: Ten dollars.
- Ethel Mertz: Well what's the matter with twenty dollars?
- Ricky Ricardo: What's the matter with thirty dollars?
- Lucy Ricardo: What's the matter with fifty dollars?
- Fred Mertz: What was the matter with ten dollars?
- Lucy Ricardo: This whole thing is Ricky's fault.
- Ricky Ricardo: MY FAULT?
- Lucy Ricardo: Yeah, if you hadn't have left Cuba to come to America, we wouldn't have gotten married and we never would've come to Switzerland in the first place.
- Ricky Ricardo: This whole thing is my fault. Something I said that started this whole mess.
- Lucy Ricardo: What's that?
- Ricky Ricardo: "I do."
- Lucy's Doctor from Jamestown: Hello, Mr. Ricardo. I'm the man who brought your wife into the world!
- Ricky Ricardo: I don't know whether to thank you or punch you in the nose!
- Lucy Ricardo: Hey, Ethel. Guess what Ricky got me!
- Ethel Mertz: Um... let's see. A hat? A new dress?
- Lucy Ricardo: Oh Ethel better! Think about what every woman wants from her husband!
- Ethel Mertz: A divorce?
- [When Ethel doesn't return to California hotel suite]
- Fred Mertz: Let's just hope for the best.
- Lucy Ricardo: Don't worry, Fred, Ethel'll come back.
- Fred Mertz: I said let's hope for the BEST.
- Ethel Mertz: Gee, this high altitude sure gives me an appetite.
- Fred Mertz: What's your excuse at sea level?
- Ricky Ricardo: I don't like that tone. You are thinking again.
- Lucy Ricardo: There's no law about me going to Romanov's. Perhaps maybe stopping by your table and...
- Ricky Ricardo: Lucy, if I so much as see your face at Romanov's, I'm gonna wrap you up in brown paper and mail you back to New York. And that's an ultimatum.
- Ethel Mertz: An ultimatum? I'm not surprised.
- Lucy Ricardo: I am. I didn't think he knew how to pronounce it.
- Ricky Ricardo: [sees pancakes on his plate] Hey! Tortillas!
- Lucy Ricardo: [sarcastically] Yeah. I made them out of Aunt Jemima Tortilla Mix.
- Ricky Ricardo: Oh, I keep forgetting here in America you call them Flap Cakes.
- Lucy Ricardo: Come again?
- Ricky Ricardo: Hot Jacks?
- Lucy Ricardo: You were closer with tortillas. They are Hot Cakes!
- Ricky Ricardo: Oh!
- [tastes some]
- Ricky Ricardo: No, these are Cold Cakes.
- Ricky Ricardo: [with heavy accent] I won't switch apartments. Understand?
- Lucy Ricardo: Yes.
- Ricky Ricardo: What did I say?
- Lucy Ricardo: "I wun't swish aparments".
- Lucy Ricardo: [a large woman has just sat on Lucy] Madam, it doesn't seem to be getting through to you, but this seat is taken.
- Ricky Ricardo: Fred, I've got an awful problem on my hands.
- Fred Mertz: You should have thought about that before you married her.
- Lucy Ricardo: [Lucy gets caught spying on the neighbors] I was, uh... bird-watching!
- Ricky Ricardo: Bird-watching?
- Lucy Ricardo: Uh, yeah! Do you know that there's a yellow-bellied woodpecker on our lawn?
- Ricky Ricardo: No, but I know that there's a red-headed cuckoo in the living room.
- [while Lucy is trying out the new mind reading act at Ricky's club:]
- Mindreader's assistant: What is your date of birth?
- Lucy Ricardo: August 6th.
- Mindreader's assistant: August 6th what?
- Lucy Ricardo: August 6th period.
- Ethel Mertz: There's lots of things you're good at.
- Lucy Ricardo: Like what?
- Ethel Mertz: Well, you're awfully good at... uh... You've always been great at...
- Lucy Ricardo: Those are the same ones Ricky came up with.
- Lucy Ricardo: If some other woman were to take Fred away from you, you'd be singing a different tune, too.
- Ethel Mertz: Yeah, "Happy Days Are Here Again".
- [while watching Lucy and Ricky kiss]
- Ethel Mertz: Isn't that sweet? Just like two lovebirds.
- Fred Mertz: What are you, a bird watcher?
- Lucy Ricardo: I wish there were a place to sit where we could see both sides.
- Bus Driver: There is.
- Lucy Ricardo: Where?
- Bus Driver: I can strap you to the front of the bus.
- Lucy Ricardo: Well.
- Ethel Mertz: Fred, I'm sorry I said you were a dumb bunny.
- Fred Mertz: And I'm sorry you're so fat you sat on my glasses and broke'em.
- Ricky Ricardo: I can't afford it.
- Lucy Ricardo: Those must have been the first English words you learned.
- Ethel Mertz: What are you writing about?
- Lucy Ricardo: I'm writing about things I know.
- Ethel Mertz: That won't be a novel that will be a short story
- Ricky Ricardo: We've got to use our brains.
- Lucy Ricardo: Well, let's see...
- Ricky Ricardo: You stay out of this.
- Ricky Ricardo: Did Ricky give you a tough day?
- Lucy Ricardo: No, just the same as any other day: after breakfast, I put on his snow suit. I pull on his galoshes. I slip on his mittens. I walk him to the park. He chases the pigeons. I chase after him. He runs after the squirrels. I run after him. He get's on the swing. I push the swing. We go on the teeter-totter. He teeters, I totter. Then we leave the park and we walk home. I pull off his galoshes. I pull off his mittens. I pull off his snow suit. I tell him to go into his room and play with his teddy bear. And that is why you find me sitting here with my coat and my boots on.
- Ricky Ricardo: Whew! I'm worn out from just listening.
- Ethel Mertz: Where you afraid you'd lose me?
- Fred Mertz: I'll say, that outfit you're wearing is rented.
- Ricky Ricardo: (losing his temper after Lucy screwed up his chance to be in a Broadway Play) You did what?
- Lucy Ricardo: I was only trying to help.
- Ricky Ricardo: (shouting) Help?
- Lucy Ricardo: HELP.
- Fred Mertz: We'll sue you.
- Ricky Ricardo: Yeah? We'll see who's gonna sue who.
- Lucy Ricardo: Yeah, we'll sue who's gonna see...
- Lucy Ricardo: What are you? The Cuban television network?
- Ricky Ricardo: Yes. CBS. The Cuban Broadcasting System.
- [Lucy is dressed as Lucille McGillicuddy, after tasting homemade salad dressing]
- Lucy Ricardo: What's Aunt Martha trying to do, poison me?
- Lucy Ricardo: Ah, that must be my good friend Ethel. Don't get up Fredrick, I'll get it.
- Fred Mertz: Get it? I was gonna lock it!
- [after seeing Ethel in a tight leopard print dress]
- Fred Mertz: I was waiting for Ethel to say Trick or Treat!
- Fred Mertz: [says Little Ricky can't keep a dog in the apartment] That pooch has got to go!
- Little Ricky: [walks in] Mommy! I thought of a name for my dog.
- Lucy Ricardo: Oh?
- Little Ricky: His name is Fred.
- Lucy Ricardo: Fred? Well how did you ever come up with that?
- Little Ricky: I always name my pets after people I like!
- Ethel Mertz: [Fred turns to leave] Fred? Where are you going?
- Fred Mertz: Down to the basement to get the box!
- Lucy Ricardo: How would you feel if Fred was smoldering with jealousy?
- Ethel Mertz: Fred wouldn't smolder if he banged into a blowtorch.
- Ethel Mertz: I refuse to go anywhere with someone who thinks I am a hippopotamus.
- Ricky Ricardo: Lucy, is this true?
- Lucy Ricardo: No, I just implied that she was a little hippy... though she has got the biggest potamus I've ever seen.
- Ricky Ricardo: Something's wrong with the electricity. My shaver isn't working.
- Lucy Ricardo: Something's wrong with the gas. My chicken isn't working.
- Ethel Mertz: If I let my hair go like that you'd never let me hear the end of it.
- Fred Mertz: Honeybunch, if the rest of you looked like that I wouldn't care if you were bald.
- Ricky Ricardo: Fred, how often is Ethel's checking account overdrawn?
- Fred Mertz: Never.
- Ricky Ricardo: Never? How do you manage that?
- Ethel Mertz: It's easy. I never had enough money at one time to open a checking account.
- Fred Mertz: She spends money like I'm printing it in the basement!