- Miss Hatfield: They try to be sane in a mad world whereas when I was a gal, we tried to be mad in a sane world. So much more satisfying.
- Sir Trevor Lampington: Do you know who I am? Sir Trevor Lampington. Who discovered Lampington's Disease. And if you've got Lampington's Disease, I'm a dancer in the Sadlers Wells ballet!
- Bellinghurst: I want some more information from you Mr Bird - tomorrow perhaps. Don't run away or drop dead, will you?
- Bank Cashier: The bank will be happy to advise you on investments
- George Bird: I'm not going to invest it - I'm going to spend it.
- Bank Cashier: Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you.
- George Bird: Oh, yes you would, even you.
- George Bird: [on learning he has weeks to live] When you come to think of it it's a bit thick isn't it?