- Steve Wiley: [referring to sexy movie star Anita Ekberg] Do I know her? She drives me crazy!
- Malcolm Smith: [obviously excited] Me too!
- Steve Wiley: She keeps coming to my back door and wants to borrow a couple of cups of sugar...
- Malcolm Smith: Sugar? That's nice, yeah!
- Steve Wiley: ...a couple eggs...
- Steve Wiley: Oh, eggs! Good!
- Steve Wiley: I go over to her place - I borrow a grapefruit or two...
- Malcolm Smith: [aroused by the metaphor] Oh, that's cute!
- Malcolm Smith: But remember, I'd have never known about the phony ticket or the stealing if you didn't tell me, which means you're very noble. You're as noble as Abraham Lincoln or Raymond Massey.
- Malcolm Smith: Boy, I'm lucky. Do you know when I first found out I was lucky?
- Steve Wiley: When?
- Malcolm Smith: When I entered the "Send in a Poochy Pup Dog Food jingle for the Poochy Pup Dog Food" jingle contest. You wanna hear how it goes?
- Steve Wiley: No, but I will.
- [his jingle, to the tune of "Rock-a-bye Baby"]
- Malcolm Smith: I eat Poochy Pup Dog Food outta the can / It makes me eat my food just like a man / My coat is so glossy, shiny and bright / My master can find me in the middle of the night!
- [last lines]
- Woman: [to Mr. Bascomb the dog] May I have your autograph, please?
- [the dog signs]
- Woman: Oh, wonderful! Thank you!
- Old Lady: [getting into the car] You're a dear sweet young man.
- [seeing the dog]
- Old Lady: Oh my, does he bite?
- Steve Wiley: [laconically] Only me lady.
- Steve Wiley: [to Malcolm] I'm thinkin' of somethin'. I'm thinkin' of double homicide - one for each of your heads!
- Malcolm Smith: Whadda ya want me to be, an Indian giver?
- Steve Wiley: Yeah. Give her an Indian -- that's not so personal.
- Malcolm Smith: Is Gregory Peck one of your friends?
- Steve Wiley: Well, where do you think he got his grey flannel suits?
- [Peck starred in a movie that just preceded this one, entitled, The Man in the Grey Flannel Suit]
- Steve Wiley: [Waking from a nap in the back of the car] Where are we now?
- Malcolm Smith: Oh, Chicago.
- Steve Wiley: Chicago? How'd we get to Chicago?
- Malcolm Smith: Did I do bad?
- Steve Wiley: You took a wrong turn. I got too many friends in Chicago I don't wanna see. Now put the top up and let's get outta here.
- Steve Wiley: [Pulling into the Silver Spur Hotel] Our end, end of the line.
- Terry Roberts: Yes, I guess it is.
- Malcolm Smith: I guess it's the end of the end of the line, I guess.