- [first lines]
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Very pretty. Gold stock. Oil stock. Uranium stock. And dhere ain't one of 'em that's worth dhe paper it's written on!
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: I think we're inferrin' to different kinds of lodges. The kind I'm talking about is where you go and spend a carefree weekend and shoot peasants.
- Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: You mean pheasants.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: I was using the peasant tense.
- Earl of Walsingham: Oh, Lady Hightower, may I present Mr. Mahoney.
- Lady Hightower: How do you do?
- [extends her hand]
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Nice looking pair of gloves. Oh, uh, let me ensure you that the pleasure is very intimate.
- Earl of Walsingham: And this is Sir Talbot Edgecomb.
- Sir Talbot Edgecomb: A pleasure.
- Earl of Walsingham: Uh, he's a fellow at Oxford.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Oh, I see. He's a fellow and she's a goil. D'you got any other startling news for me?
- Earl of Walsingham: Ah, yes, yes. He's a great authority on nuclear fission.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Well, I done a lot of fishin', but I never snagged a nuclear.
- Lady Hightower: Quaint.
- [last lines]
- Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: Well, Uncle Percy, I just want to say one thing. I had a wonderful time in Merry Old England, but I want to do one thing. I really want to go fox hunting. The sounding of the horn, the baying of the hounds. The gallant fox. Yoicks ! Yoicks!
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Ah, shut up you big yoick. There ain't no foxes in the heart of London.
- Earl of Walsingham: Why, Horace, there hasn't been a fox anywhere near Walsingham Castle in over 200 years.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Certainly not! What's the matter? You weak in the...?
- [a fox suddenly runs across the room pursued by a pack of hounds]
- Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: There goes the little beggar! Tally ho! Yoicks! Yoicks!
- Earl of Walsingham: Sachula! Wait for me! Yoicks! Yoicks! Tally ho! Tally ho!
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: [straight into the camera] Don't tell ME dhey're not related.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Sach, you're now viewin' one of the most envigoratin' ceremonies in the whole world - the changin' of the guard at Buckingham Palace.
- Louie Dumbrowsky: Look all right to me. Why change 'em?
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: That's a pretty evaporated question, Louie, but I'll try to explain it to ya. You see, when King Arthur first marched into...
- Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: Wronnnng again, Slip.
- [Hoskins gives a spooky account of an historical killing in Sach's bedroom of a pretender to a title by a chimney-accessing assailant]
- Hoskins the Butler: Some say he still lurks in the chimney to kill again should other pretenders appear to claim the Wisingham titles and estate. Your claim IS valid, sir?
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: No! It's no phony. It's on the level.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Well, dhere's only one udda thing to do, that's to take ya to the captain and make a bare breast of the whole thing.
- Louie Dumbrowsky: Oh, Slip, please. Slip, listen, please. You know the old saying: Honesty is the best policy. Let's go to the captain and tell him just what happened.
- Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: I'll leave the lights ON. I'm gonna get my throat cut, I wanna see what'a happening.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: You know, a fella once wrote a book, and I think it was written just for you two guys. It was called "Gullible's Travels." Louie, it alleviates my conscience to tell you dis, but I'm afraid you're just a pushover for every griftin' solicitor that ever set a foot in this establishment.
- English Cabbie: Beggin' your pardon, sir, but that name you just mentioned, I ain't never 'eard of it in the whole of all England.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Now can you picture this, fellas? Here's a guy who's obviously been in the habitude of England all his life and he never heard of one of her most famous earmarks.
- Louie Dumbrowsky: Maybe he don't understand ya.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: The feelin' is muciloginous, 'cause I don't translate him neidda.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Hey, by dhe simple process of illumination, I don't see why one first class ticket on the Palanka couldn't be traded in for maybe four tickets on a smaller boat.
- Louie Dumbrowsky: You mean all you boys are... are leaving for England?
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Well, coitainly. You heard what the mouthpiece said. If he goes over to London and he ain't got no manners, he's gonna get dislocated without a tuppence, so we're gonna go along to see that he is well-mannerismed.
- Chuck Anderson: What happened, Louie?
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Uh, it's perfectly oblivious what happened! He locked himself in that closet, drank that quart of champagne and passed out.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Well, dhere it is, fellas, dhe famous House of Parliment. Inside dhat building dhey run the whole British umpire.
- Louie Dumbrowsky: I should go in that trunk? I'll smother in there!
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Louie, don't be ridiculously. You won't stay in the trunk indigenously. You'll only get in there when danger threatens.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: If Sach has blue blood, he musta got a transformation from a pint of grape juice.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: You know, when you're in England, you're gonna be disintegratin' with the hoi polloi every day, and you're gonna have to learn to drink tea and use all the tools. And don't forget to keep your pinky out. You know, in America we serve cocktails. In England they serve tea and trumpets.