- Sheridan Whiteside: [opening a box of candy] Ah, pecan butternut fudge!
- Nurse Preen: Oh, my, you mustn't eat candy, Mr. Whiteside, it's very bad for you.
- Sheridan Whiteside: My great aunt Jennifer ate a whole box of candy every day of her life. She lived to be 102 and when she'd been dead three days she looked better than you do *now!*
- Nurse Preen: I am not only walking out on this case, Mr. Whiteside, I am leaving the nursing profession. I became a nurse because all my life, ever since I was a little girl, I was filled with the idea of serving a suffering humanity. After one month with you , Mr. Whiteside, I am going to work in a munitions factory. From now on , anything I can do to help exterminate the human race will fill me with the greatest of pleasure. If Florence Nightingale had ever nursed YOU, Mr. Whiteside, she would have married Jack the Ripper instead of founding the Red Cross!
- Bertram H. 'Bert' Jefferson: How do you think Ohio women stack up?
- Sheriden Whiteside: I've never gone in for stacking women up so I really can't say.
- Sheridan Whiteside: Is there a man in the world who suffers as I do from the gross inadequacies of the human race?
- Lorraine Sheldon: Who does your hair, Maggie?
- Maggie Cutler: A little French woman named Maggie Cutler comes in every morning.
- Lorraine Sheldon: You know, your hair could be so lovely. I've always wanted to get my hands on it.
- Maggie Cutler: I've always wanted to get my hands on yours, Lorraine.
- Maggie Cutler: Sherry, the next time you do NOT want to see anybody, just let me know, and I'll usher them right in.
- Maggie Cutler: You know, Sheridan, you have one great advantage over everyone else in the world. You've never had to meet Sheridan Whiteside.
- Sheridan Whiteside: Go in and read the life of Florence Nightingale and learn how unfitted you are for your chosen profession.
- Beverly Carlton: I have very little time, and so the conversation will be entirely about me and I shall love it.
- Sheridan Whiteside: Banjo, my lad, you're wonderful. I may write a book about you.
- Banjo: Don't bother, I can't read!
- Sheridan Whiteside: And now, will you all now leave quietly, or must I ask Miss Cutler to pass among you with a baseball bat?
- Sheridan Whiteside: This ageing debutante, Mr. Jefferson, I retain in my employ only because she is the sole support of her two-headed brother!
- Sheridan Whiteside: I simply will not sit down to dinner with midwestern barbarians, I think too highly of my digestive system.
- Maggie Cutler: Harry Clarke is one of your oldest friends.
- Sheridan Whiteside: My stomach is an older one.
- Maggie Cutler: And Mrs. Stanley is president of the women's club.
- Sheridan Whiteside: I wouldn't care if she was the whole cabinet.
- Nurse Preen: Mr. Whiteside, I can only be in one place at a time.
- Sheridan Whiteside: That's very fortunate for this community.
- Banjo: Did you ever have the feeling that you wanted to go, and still have the feeling that you wanted to stay?
- Bertram H. 'Bert' Jefferson: How 'bout a hot sweet potato?
- Maggie Cutler: Oh, a sweet potato? That's what they serve at "21" with pineapple glacé.
- Sheriden Whiteside: [a knock at the door] Nobody's home! The Stanleys have all been arrested for peddling dope! Go away!
- Sheriden Whiteside: Will you take your clammy hand off my chair? You have the touch of a love-starved cobra.
- Maggie Cutler: [to Sheridan] Don't you pull any of your tricks on me, because I'm on to every one of them. So lay off. That's my message to you... "Big" Lord Fauntleroy!
- Sheridan Whiteside: I shall require the exclusive use of this room, as well as that drafty sewer you call the library. I want no one to come in or out while I am in this room.
- Mrs. Ernest Stanley: But we have to go up those steps to get to our rooms, Mr. Whiteside.
- Sheridan Whiteside: Isn't there a back entrance?
- Mrs. Ernest Stanley: Well, Yes...
- Sheridan Whiteside: Then use that. Let me see, there will be a great many incoming and outgoing calls, so please do not use the telephone.
- Sheridan Whiteside: [to Chinese guests] Now let me ask you, gentlemen, is it true that in China, you drown middle-aged businessmen at birth?
- Sheridan Whiteside: I suppose you've written the great American novel.
- Bertram H. 'Bert' Jefferson: No, I've written the great American play.
- Sheridan Whiteside: Well I don't want to read it.
- Maggie Cutler: I've been skating for the first time in my life! I'm told I'm the only person to do a figure eight from the sitting position!
- Richard Stanley: I had to go to three different stores.
- Sheridan Whiteside: How did you travel? By ox cart?
- Mrs. Ernest Stanley: Mrs. Roosevelt, there's something I want you to know. My husband didn't vote for your husband. But I did.
- Dr. E. Bradley: [repeated line, most of the times the doctor appears out of a side door just when Whiteside is at the center of a three ring circus of activity] Mr. Whiteside, are you busy?
- Sheridan Whiteside: Suppose your parents are unhappy with you. It's good for them. It develops character.
- Maggie Cutler: [to Mr. Whiteside] I think you're incapable of any emotion higher up than your stomach!
- Mrs. Ernest Stanley: Mr. Whiteside! My cook and my butler, they've been with me for ten years.
- Sheridan Whiteside: I am commuting their sentence.
- Maggie Cutler: When I finally leave this job, I may write a book about it... Through the years with Prince Charming.
- Maggie Cutler: She's Looking Very Well Isn't She..?
- Sheridan Whiteside: Who..?
- Maggie Cutler: The Countess Of Cyanide..!