- Constable Kockenlocker: [to his 14-year-old daughter, gruffly but jokingly] Listen, Zipper-puss! Some day they're just gonna find your hair ribbon and an axe someplace. Nothing else! The Mystery of Morgan's Creek!
- Mr. Johnson: The responsibility for recording a marriage has always been up to woman. If it wasn't for her, marriage would have disappeared long since. No man is going to jeopardize his present or poison his future with a lot of little brats hollering around the house unless he's forced to. It's up to the woman to knock him down, hogtie him, and drag him in front of two witnesses immediately if not sooner. Anytime after that is too late.
- Newspaper editor: There's only one thing more, Mr. Governor - the marriage!
- Gov. McGinty: What's the matter with the marriage? She's married to Norval Jones, she always has been! The guy married them, didn't he? The boy signed his right name, didn't he?
- Newspaper editor: But he gave his name as Ratzkywatzky!
- Gov. McGinty: He was trying to say Jones, he stuttered!
- The Boss: What are you looking for, a needle from a haystack?
- Newspaper editor: Then how about the first Ratzkywatzky?
- Gov. McGinty: He's annulled!
- The Boss: Shnook!
- Newspaper editor: Who annulled?
- Gov. McGinty: The judge, who do you suppose?
- The Boss: Retroactive!
- Gov. McGinty: Will you get Mendoza on the phone?
- The Boss: I'm getting him.
- Gov. McGinty: He's out of the picture!
- The Boss: Was never in it!
- Constable Kockenlocker: The trouble with kids is they always figure they're smarter than their parents - never stop to think if their old man could get by for 50 years and feed 'em and clothe 'em - he maybe had something up here to get by with - things that seem like brain twisters to you might be very simple for him.
- Emmy: [on taking out $900 from the bank in the middle of the night] It might be wrong but it would be very handy.
- Norval Jones: W-what was his first name?
- Trudy Kockenlocker: You mean Ratzkywatzky?
- Norval Jones: N-n-naturally.
- Trudy Kockenlocker: Does he have to have a first name?
- Norval Jones: Of course he has to have a first name. Everybody has a first name. Even dogs have first names, even if they don't have any last names.
- Trudy Kockenlocker: Well, I don't know. I had an uncle named Roscoe.
- Norval Jones: Roscoe, Roscoe, he eats them alive!
- Trudy Kockenlocker: What?
- Norval Jones: That - that's a snake eater's name.
- Trudy Kockenlocker: Well, it was my uncle's name.
- Norval Jones: Well, how about Hugo?
- Trudy Kockenlocker: Oh, phooey!
- Norval Jones: Well, how about Otis? That was...
- Trudy Kockenlocker: Oh, phooey!
- Norval Jones: That was my father's name.
- Trudy Kockenlocker: Oh, I'm sorry.
- Norval Jones: Well, it doesn't matter. You can call him Montmorency for all I care.
- Trudy Kockenlocker: Oh, phooey!
- Norval Jones: Well, what goes good with Ratzkywatzky?
- Trudy Kockenlocker: Nothing!
- Norval Jones: How about Ignatz?
- Trudy Kockenlocker: Ignatz? You'd have to take a b-b-bicarbonite with that.
- Norval Jones: Ignatz Ra-ra-ratzkywatzky. That - that fits alright.
- Trudy Kockenlocker: Oh, phooey!
- Mr. Tuerck: Women are always trying to take the blame for men - it's what you call the mother instinct.
- Emmy: That's not being very helpful.
- Constable Kockenlocker: What do you want me to do? Learn to knit?
- Mr. Johnson: I practice the law. I'm not only willing, but anxious, to sue anyone, anytime, for anything.
- Gov. McGinty: This is the biggest thing that's happened in this state since we stole it from the Indians!
- Norval Jones: [trying to think of an excuse for not getting Trudy home unil 8 AM] Maybe we went for a ride after the movie and had a flat. It's old, but it's reliable.
- Trudy Kockenlocker: Oh, I don't think Papa goes for that one. He makes you show the patch.