Tondelayo

"I am Tondelayo" at one time was a phrase bandied about, though you don't hear it much, if ever, anymore. "White Cargo" is a 1942 film starring Hedy Lamarr, Walter Pidgeon, Richard Carlson, Frank Morgan, and Henry O'Neill.

The story concerns men on a rubber plantation, bored, hot, and hating it. When Mr. Langford (Richard Carlson) joins them, he's fresh and rarin' to go. As the others predict, his optimism doesn't last long.

Then along comes the scourge of the jungle, Tondelayo (Lamarr). She's Egyptian and Arab so she could pass the Hays office, which said whites and blacks couldn't cavort. Apparently Tonde has given quite a few white jungle dwellers, including the Pidgeon carrier, quite a ride. He detests her, and warns Carlson to stay away from her. But he can't. Soon she works her magic on him and his destruction begins.

Among Holllywood's spectacular beauties, Hedy Lamarr was in the top 5. She had something besides beauty (intelligence, but that doesn't come into play here) -- sex appeal. You certainly didn't have to be womanless in the jungle to find her gorgeous, especially half-dressed. Sporting dark makeup, a bad accent and bad accent, Tondelayo proves to be problematic.

I think this was intended as a serious film, and it's very well made, not like some campy movie. True, Lamarr's role is campy, and it would have been no matter who had acted in it.

You can mark this down as an entertaining film about the tropics, a favorite topic over at MGM. And maybe on Jeopardy Alec Trebek had to run through the "Hedy Lamarr" topic all by himself while the clueless contestants just stood there, but there was a time when everybody had heard of her -- and Tondelayo.

Hollywood used to turn out some great bad movies, and "White Cargo" is one of the greatest and baddest. People who complain that it's unrealistic are missing the boat. Except for the jungle heat, the isolation of the white guys, and location shots of what looks like a rubber plantation, this movie doesn't even pretend to be real. It's pulp fiction of the old school. You watch it to forget your troubles, and if you're like me (a guy), Hedy Lamar will make 'em vanish like bubbles. Because it combines shameless sensationalism and with solid melodramatic performances (especially from Lamar, Pidgeon, and Wizard-of-Oz Frank Morgan), even my wife liked it.

OK, Hollywood and America were a lot more racist in 1942 than now. We get it. But this movie isn't about race, imperialism, natural resources, or any of those other trendy topics, it's about the sensual power of Tondelayo.

Goofy makeup and all, it would have been tough to find any actress of any ethnicity who could top Hedy Lamar in the leading role. Tondie, an incarnation of Eve like you wouldn't believe, unites all misogynist female stereotypes into one purring package: she's mysterious, wild, stupid, primitive, insincere, manipulative, beautiful, evil, greedy, relentless, sadomasochistic, homicidal, and did I mention sexy? That all adds up to "irresitible" in the logic of this movie. The fact that she's the only woman within a hundred miles is certainly part of her charm.

And yes, as she drives Richard Carlson batty, Hedy Lamar really communicates all those things with her movements, her delivery, and, toughest to do, her glances. Her eyes alone reveal her mind switching from evil to stupid to greedy in rapid succession.

"White Cargo" is a demented fantasy sequel to Conrad's great story "Heart of Darkness," or an academic poindexter could argue that it is. But ignore that. Blatant junk movies today are pretentious, gory, and tedious. But not "White Cargo." It isn't as complicated or ingenious as "Gilda," but it comes close enough on the Meter of Marvelous Trash. Great fun if you love the ridiculous!

Why wasn't this mentioned in the "Bad Movies We Love" book? Hedy looks great and acts badly, and generally seems to be having the time of her life as a Native Girl interested only in cheap sex and even cheaper jewelry. She seems ecstatic whenever she has a whip in her hand, and delivers her lines with gorgeous pouts and stimulating winks. But beware! She doesn't appear for the first thirty minutes, which we spend listening to White Males bark at each other about how miserable they are. A little bit too much like being at work!

Almost every film buff would watch this and immediately write WHITE CARGO (1942) off the map due to the 'anti camp' syndrome. Although this movie is definitely campy, it is still a work of art. Take it to the camping ground and watch it at night by the fire. There is a certain magic to this movie that is sure to make the atmosphere of s'mores and grilled hot dogs all the more enjoyable.

HEDY LAMARR's caked-on brown makeup reminded me of Jennifer Jones' 'Pearl Chavez' in the (at times) campy classic DUEL IN THE SUN(which is a personal favorite of mine) made four years later in 1946. LAMARR has an over the top accent that is hardly believable. However, she pulled it off! Believe me, White Cargo is worth it just to see Hedy sweat on her dark skin wearing a one-piece bikini top throughout this movie! Walter Pigeon is a flame of fire all the way to the end. Very obscure part for Walter to be playing with such intensity.

The story takes absurd and wild twists and turns and is nothing if not purely fun entertainment. It doesn't have a long runtime, only about 80 minutes or so. It's not a large commitment of time. If you are a fan of camp, don't miss this classic.

One can only wonder how many posters of Hedy Lamarr as Tondelayo were pinned up by soldiers in WWII. She is seductive and appealing and downright hot as a half African who spends the entire film in bra and sarong. Most of the time she is striking seductive poses and lounging on a couch showing off her magnificent body that matches her unequaled facial features.

This is a comedy for the most part, and it is really funny. Frank Morgan is back, not a The Pirate, but as a drunken doctor that has probably been drummed out of the medical establishment and can only get work on this African plantation.

Walter Pidgeon, who would go one to capture two Oscar nominations in the next two years (Mrs. Miniver, Madame Curie), was the leader of the plantation and the colonial law. He was hilarious as a succession of new assistants arrived in white, freshly starched clothing from the Mother Country, and all said the exact same words that drove him nuts.

Of course, he warned all of them about Tondelayo, even banning her from the camp, but it was useless as they all succumbed to her charms.

A must-see for those who appreciate what made our fathers happy in the Big One.