- Turkey Jackson: A fine thing. First, you sell me for two hundred bucks. Then I'm gonna marry the Princess; then you cut in on me. Then we're carried off by a desert sheik. Now, we're gonna have our heads chopped off.
- Jeff Peters: I know all that.
- Turkey Jackson: Yeah, but the people who came in the middle of the picture don't.
- Jeff Peters: You mean they missed my song?
- Turkey Jackson: I hope she didn't hear that. The dead have a way of coming back you know.
- Jeff Peters: Get out, when they're dead they're dead.
- Turkey Jackson: Not Aunt Lucy, she was a Republican.
- Mabel - Lady Camel: Sometimes, when I see how silly people behave, I'm glad I'm a camel.
- Male Camel: [his eyes rolling suggestively] Aww... . I'm glad you're a camel too, Mabel.
- Princess Shalmar: [about Jeff] Now, Orville, I want you to tell me the truth. Do you know him?
- Turkey Jackson: Well I used to but I kinda outgrew him, I don't dally much with riff-raff these days and he's a pretty raffy kind of a riff.
- Turkey Jackson: [From the title song] For any villains we may meet, we haven't any fears/Paramount will protect us, 'cause we're signed for five more years.
- [seeing the desert for the first time]
- Turkey Jackson: This must be the place where they empty all the old hourglasses.
- Turkey Jackson: Aunt Lucy. I can see her now, lying on her dying bed, looking at you with those big, trusting eyes. 'Before I go, Jeff, promise me one thing,' she said. 'Promise me you'll always be a friend to little Orville,' she said. 'No matter what happens, you'll never leave the little jerk,' she said. 'Promise me, Jeff, promise me,' she said.
- Jeff Peters: Yeah, then she up and died before I had the chance to say no.
- [last lines]
- Turkey Jackson: I can't go on! No food, no water. It's all my fault. We're done for! It's got me. I can't stand it! No food, nothing! No food, no water! No food!
- Jeff Peters: What's the matter with you, anyway? There's New York. We'll be picked up in a few minutes.
- Turkey Jackson: You had to open your big mouth and ruin the only good scene I got in the picture. I might have won the Academy Award!
- Turkey Jackson: How do you figure on paying for all this?
- Jeff Peters: What are you, scared? You got red blood, ain't you?
- Turkey Jackson: Yeah, but I don't want to get it all over strangers.
- Jeff Peters: Go ahead, eat up, eat up son. I'll think of something.
- Turkey Jackson: These guys don't monkey around, they got knives, they're liable to try and get the food back the hard way.
- Turkey Jackson: You can't sell me, you don't own me!
- Jeff Peters: No, not now, no.
- [pointing at Arab]
- Jeff Peters: He does.
- [after Mullay Kasim rides through town with his men yelling and firing their rifles in the air]
- Jeff Peters: Say fuzzy, who is that headstrong impetuous boy?
- Bystander: He is Mullay Kasim, the Desert Sheik.
- Turkey Jackson: What'd he come to town for, a manicure?
- Bystander: Oh, he loves the Princess Shalmar of Karameesh. He has come here to ask her to marry him.
- Jeff Peters: I'd hate to be around when he comes for a divorce!
- [after an Arab gives Jeff a pile of money]
- Turkey Jackson: How'd you get the spinach, old boy?
- Jeff Peters: Funny thing, a guy I've never seen before in my life gives me 2,500 Kolacs... . that's 200 federal diplomas, are you listening?
- Turkey Jackson: 200 skins? Why, what for?
- Jeff Peters: I sold him something.
- Turkey Jackson: Well you've got nothing to sell! We've already hocked your pivot tooth.
- Jeff Peters: It wasn't much, but it was all I had, and was he anxious to get it!
- Turkey Jackson: What did you sell him?
- Jeff Peters: Look, uh, Orville, I want you to keep very calm now. Don't get excited.
- Turkey Jackson: [grabbing Jeff, nervous] What did you sell him?
- Jeff Peters: You.
- Turkey Jackson: Oh, well, for a minute I - HUH? Me? Wait a minute, get that guy and give him those fish back! What's the matter with you, you can't sell me, I'm not a horse! It's just the way I comb my hair!
- Turkey Jackson: We're going to get married on... . uh... . when is the big day, Dream Thing?
- Princess Shalmar: When the moon, in its last quarter, silvers the blossoms of the almond tree. That's Tuesday night, about nine.
- Jeff Peters: Turkey, from now on you're sacred.
- Turkey Jackson: What do you mean, sacred?
- Jeff Peters: You just became a full-blooded American idiot.
- Turkey Jackson: No, you do it! Who's gonna believe *I'm* an idiot?
- Jeff Peters: Will you look at the head start you got?
- Jeff Peters: First chance we get, we better dash for the nearest exit.
- Turkey Jackson: Yeah, but how about that guy's knife? We're gonna look silly stumbling outta here on a set of stumps.
- Princess Shalmar: This is a very strange country.
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: Yeah. Like you running into me and buying me like I was a potato. And me baked ever since. Ho-hum.
- Princess Shalmar: I can't understand why you don't like him. I think he's one of the nicest men I've ever met.
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: Oh, he's a nice fellow, as nice fellows go: and, why don't he?
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: You mean, you'd eat me, without vegetables?
- Jeff Peters: Calm down, Junior. I'm not gonna do anything right away. I might not do anything for a week. Not until I get desperate.
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: You wouldn't like me. Once I bit my tongue and I tasted awful. Help!
- Jeff Peters: Here we go again, Junior.
- Jeff Peters, Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: [singing] We're off on the Road to Morocco, This taxi is tough on the spine,
- Jeff Peters: [talking] Beats the bus, huh, Junior?
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: Oh, it beats me.
- Jeff Peters, Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: [singing] Where we're going?
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: Why we're going? How can we be sure?
- Jeff Peters: I'll lay you 8 to 5, That we meet Dorothy Lamour!
- Jeff Peters, Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: You who! Off on the Road to Morrocco...
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: It's a strange country. A minute ago she came along in a gold box, fellows carrying it with sticks. She took my hand, kissed my fingertips, my knuckles, my wrist. My toes are still braided. It was wonderful. Do it some more.
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: You can't sell me. You don't own me!
- Jeff Peters: Well, no, not now. No. He does.
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: Well why would he buy me? What does he want me for?
- Jeff Peters: I didn't ask him.
- Princess Shalmar: Here we have a proverb: A goose is beautiful until it stands beside a peacock.
- Jeff Peters, Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: [to each other] Say Goose...
- Jeff Peters: These people are peculiar around here.
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: What are you talking about? Are you goin' nuts? Why would a guy buy a guy?
- Jeff Peters: I don't know. I don't know. They buy anything, any old junk.
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: Do you know why they buy guys in a country like this? For slaves! They hit you with whips, put you to pickin' cotton, beat you and they beat you.
- Jeff Peters: They don't pick cotton here.
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: Well, they beat you for whatever they're pickin'. I know. I saw ''Uncle Tom's Cabin'' twice.
- Jeff Peters: That's very nice. That's nifty! Now look, puffy, I want to have a talk with you, man to man.
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: Yeah? Who's gonna hold up your end?
- Jeff Peters: Where do you think you're going? What's in there?
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: Oh, it"s nothing - just milady's boudoir.
- Jeff Peters: Milady's boudoir? What are you doin' goin' in there?
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: It's a strange country, chum. It's a strange country.
- Jeff Peters: She bought you? Where did she meet up with you?
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: She's the dame I told you about in the gold box with the sticks.
- Jeff Peters: [to Turkey] What are you made up for any how? What is this? Ladies night in a Turkish bath or something?
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: [to the Princess] Come on, baby. Give your little princie a big kiss - king size.
- Jeff Peters: Now, kiss him on the nose. See if you can straighten that out!
- Jeff Peters: [singing] You're all dressed up to go dreaming, Now don't tell me I'm wrong, And what a night to go dreaming, Mind if I tag along...
- Princess Shalmar: We have very strange customs, very strange laws. For the first week of a marriage a man and wife live separately.
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: Yeah, well, every-- Huh?
- Princess Shalmar: It is a custom thousands of years old.
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: Oh, well, little customs - you make 'em, you break 'em, they come and they go. Did I ever tell you about Prohibition?
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: I got a girl. I met mine. I got her at the harem, right off the assembly line.
- Jeff Peters: Nice model.
- Mihirmah: He's gonna fly with me. My love will consume him thus
- [kiss]
- Mihirmah: and thus
- [kiss]
- Mihirmah: and thus
- [kiss, kiss, kiss]
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: Why the crawling lizard!
- [unsheaths a sword]
- Orville 'Turkey' Jackson: I'll show him what a salami has gotta go through.
- Mullay Kasim: Come, Ahmed Caspa. Let us find this man. Let us see the color of his liver. Let us hang his filthy carcass for the jackals to nibble at!