- Homer Smith: Have you ever been in San Francisco?
- Marcia Warren: Yes, once with Gable and Tracy - and the joint fell apart!
- Cleona Jones: [as Hector - a fellow American in Arab garb - gazes longingly at her] Don't look toward me... I ain't Mecca!
- Cleona Jones: [to no one in particular, as she goes to answer the phone, walking past Homer - the butler - who is sitting talking to Marcia Warren] The reason a phone rings is so that a butler knows when to answer it.
- Marcia Warren: This room positively reeks of cheap, vulgar perfume.
- Homer Smith: Well, it's yours.
- Marcia Warren: Oh.
- Homer Smith: I spilled it on me.
- Marcia Warren: [he sneezes] Bless you.
- Homer Smith: Thanks. I guess I must be catching cold. I'm soaking wet.
- Marcia Warren: I haven't *that* much perfume.
- Homer Smith: No, it's from standing under the shower.
- Marcia Warren: With your clothes on?
- Homer Smith: Well, I was putting out the fire.
- Marcia Warren: [doubtingly] What fire?
- Homer Smith: The one I started in here.
- Marcia Warren: The shower's not in here.
- Homer Smith: No, I carried the fire into the bathroom.
- Marcia Warren: [condescendingly] I see.
- Marcia Warren: Uh, tell me, uh, Mr. Jones, what part of America are you from?
- Homer Smith: California.
- Marcia Warren: Weeeelll! Southern California?
- Homer Smith: Nooo! Northern California.
- Marcia Warren: Ohhh.
- Homer Smith: Whadda you mean, oh?
- Marcia Warren: I mean, oh - you come from Northern California not Southern California.
- Homer Smith: Well, you sound as if there's something wrong about coming from Northern California instead of Southern California.
- Homer Smith: My name is Homer.
- Philo Cobson: Not really? I could've sworn you were dead.
- Homer Smith: Oh, you're thinking of the old Greek poet. He's dead. My name's Homer Smith.
- Marcia Warren: Frisco, huh, you can have it.
- Homer Smith: Don't you call it Frisco - it's San FRANcisco.
- Marcia Warren: Frisco!
- Homer Smith: San FRANcisco.
- Marcia Warren: Frisco!
- Homer Smith: San FRANcisco.
- Marcia Warren: Frisco!
- Homer Smith: San FRANcisco.
- [Fades out as Cleona closes the door]
- Cleona Jones: [to waiting butler applicants downstairs] You gentlemen can all return to the central casting. We've got just the man we've been looking for.
- Mrs. Morrison: He told you who he was?
- Homer Smith: [Whispering to her] British intelligence.
- Mrs. Morrison: Oh, well, that wasn't very intelligent for that particular person, I must say.
- Homer Smith: Sunshine! Sunshine! Sunshine! Day in and day out. It stupefies your brain. It thins out your blood. It, it withers everything it touches.
- Marcia Warren: Hasn't withered Lana Turner.
- Mrs. Morrison: Tell me something. How can a tuning fork and a screaming woman open the same door?
- Ahmed Ben Hassan: By emitting the same note. In this case, the note of high C. It's a simple device, used commercially all over the world - sound filter. It rejects all sound except one, which is then properly amplified and converted into electrical energy. Thereupon it opens the door.
- Mrs. Morrison: Well, I know a much better device.
- Ahmed Ben Hassan: Yes?
- Mrs. Morrison: A door knob.
- Philo Cobson: Who are you?
- Italian Officer: We are Italians. We surrender.
- Philo Cobson: But you can't surrender to us - we're not soldiers.
- Italian Officer: But we do surrender.
- Homer Smith: Look here, we don't wanna capture you. What would we do with you?
- Italian Officer: Turn us over to the British.
- Mrs. Morrison: As a writer and a man of imagination, Mr. Smith, if you were a spy and wanted a profession that gave you freedom of movement, and access to important men with important information...
- Homer Smith: Yeah, being a beautiful movie star would be ideal. But, Marcia Warren - why she's as American as... . As a matter of fact, she's been out of the country for three years, ever since she made that picture in England.
- Col. Woodhue: Why on earth would a top-flight Nazi agent try to decode a song by Marcia Warren? Why would he want to be engaged by her as a butler?
- Strange Man: He's obviously after something, sir.
- Homer Smith: Southern California, the desert of human thought. Fruit without flavor. Flowers that don't smell.
- Marcia Warren: You don't have that trouble up north - everything smells. Fog! Fog! Day in and day out. Straightens out your hair like it's been pressed. Fog in your lungs. Fog in your clothes. Dripping off the building!
- Homer Smith: It's romantic!
- Marcia Warren: Oh, what's romantic about not being able to see your hand in front of your face? You can't tell whether you're on the street or a Turkish bath.
- Philo Cobson: This is a vital and important mission. The eyes of my country and yours are on you, Homer.
- Marcia Warren: Who do you think you're kidding, bub?
- Homer Smith: Kidding?
- Marcia Warren: Oh, stop it. You're awful. If there's anything you learn from making musical pictures it's how to recognize BAD acting.
- Homer Smith: You're an Englishman aren't you?
- Philo Cobson: How did you guess it?
- Homer Smith: Well, I sort of train myself to notice things.
- Ahmed Ben Hassan: [after Marcia Warren screams when she sees a white mouse on the floor of a shop] Are you in the habit of screaming a perfect high C?
- Marcia Warren: I have every reason to scream. And I don't scream flat. Are you in the habit of letting those little beasts run all over your customers?
- Ahmed Ben Hassan: I prefer them to most of my customers.
- Marcia Warren: Tell me now, what made you think I'd be insane enough to think you were British?
- Homer Smith: Well, I thought there'd be a better chance of getting a job.
- Col. Woodhue: Cavity Rock? What is it, an uncharted island?
- Strange Man: Navy has checked it against everything in the Red Sea-Mediterranean area, sir. No luck.
- Marcia Warren: You are Philo Cobson, the British intelligence says so.
- Homer Smith: That's a lie. British intelligence says you're head of the big six.
- Marcia Warren: What's the big six?
- Homer Smith: Oh, as if you didn't know.
- Marcia Warren: Now, let me guess what you wanted to see me about. Yes, I would be very happy to sing for the soldiers. Where and when?
- Col. Woodhue: Oh, we don't bother asking you anymore, Miss Warren - we just assign you.
- Homer Smith: [to the Cairo theater doorman] Look, uh, when those two ladies I was with come back, tell 'em, uh, tell 'em I was sick and had to leave.
- Female Theatre Attendant: [after Homer leaves, to the doorman] The young man who came with the two ladies - you are to tell him that they took suddenly ill and had to leave.
- Fat Doorman in Cairo Theatre: Hmmm. Epidemic.
- Marcia Warren: [Sniffing] Have you a woman accomplice with you?
- Homer Smith: Not that I know of.
- Marcia Warren: This room positively wreaks of cheap, vulgar perfume.
- Homer Smith: Well, it's yours.
- Marcia Warren: Oh!
- Homer Smith: I spilled it on me.
- Cleona Jones: You can tell he don't know nothin' about the movies, or he'd of landed smack in them mashed potatoes.
- Marcia Warren: You think you can confuse me by calling me a Nazi, you Nazi.
- Homer Smith: Don't you call me a Nazi, you Nazi.
- Cleona Jones: Miss Warren, I've got a confession to make. I'm the biggest coward in the world.
- Marcia Warren: No you're not. You're next to the biggest.
- Cleona Jones: What is he doing, Miss Warren.
- Marcia Warren: I don't know. Looks like he's trying to commit hari-kari.
- Marcia Warren: Look, Juniper, or Homer, I'm not a spy, believe me. In the first place, the Screen Actors Guild wouldn't stand for it.
- Homer Smith: Go ahead, turn me over to the Nazis. I'd a lot rather die as a hick newspaperman than live as a famous Nazi movie star.
- Homer Smith: It wouldn't look right for you to go walking with a butler.
- Marcia Warren: You're no butler.
- Marcia Warren: Uh, have you an old operation that's bothering you?
- Homer Smith: Oh, heh, it's my money belt. I... keep my money in it.
- Marcia Warren: [to Cleona] Well, that settles it. If I met an absolute stranger and he wore a money belt, I'd know he was a spy.
- Col. Woodhue: If you've got any doubts, watch him react to this.
- [He clicks his heels together and takes Marcia's hand to kiss it]
- Col. Woodhue: Auf wiedersehen, Fraulein Warren.
- Marcia Warren: Auf wiedersehen, mein colonel.
- Homer Smith: Well, I'm no thief, miss Warren.
- Marcia Warren: Frankly, Juniper, I'm going nearly crazy trying to figure out just what you are.
- Marcia Warren: Tell me, Mr. uh...
- Homer Smith: Jones.
- Marcia Warren: Couldn't you do better than that? You might as well have said Smith.
- Homer Smith: No, it is Jones. Uh, eh, Juniper Jones.
- Marcia Warren: Then, who's Cobson?
- Homer Smith: He's from British intelligence. He told me so himself.
- Marcia Warren: Where, on that raft?
- Homer Smith: No, just after we captured the Italian soldiers.
- Marcia Warren: That's it, brother.
- Marcia Warren: You mean to say you're not Philo Cobson?
- Homer Smith: Oh, Cobson, Cobson, I wish I'd never let him on my raft.
- Marcia Warren: Oh, a raft?
- Homer Smith: That's where I met him - on a raft in the Mediterranean.
- Marcia Warren: Tell me honestly - are you Yehoodi?
- Homer Smith: [Not laughing] Hah! Hah! Hah! I'm Homer Smith from Cavity Rock, California.
- Marcia Warren: [Not laughing] Ah, hah, hah.
- Marcia Warren: He won't go out if we don't go out. And we can't go out if he doesn't go out. But, if we won't go out unless he goes out, maybe he'll go out.
- Cleona Jones: Miss Warren, I think you better take a nice warm bath and lay down.
- Marcia Warren: But he's not English.
- Col. Woodhue: Well, whatever his nationality, we suspect him to be Philo Cobson, a well-known and dangerous Nazi agent.
- Col. Woodhue: Juniper? He's new, isn't he?
- Marcia Warren: Juniper Jones - he's brand new.
- Col. Woodhue: An odd name.
- Marcia Warren: A phony. But, he's an American and obviously hard up, so I gave him a job.
- Col. Woodhue: Is that all you know about him?
- Marcia Warren: Well, he's not too bright, and kinda cute, very attentive.
- Col. Woodhue: I should think he would be.
- Marcia Warren: Do you know him?
- Col. Woodhue: Know of him
- Marcia Warren: Wellll, tell me.
- Marcia Warren: Don't ask me why, Cleo, but he's gotta be out tonight, and we've gotta be in.
- Cleona Jones: Why don't we go out and let him be in?
- Marcia Warren: No, that's just exactly what he wants.
- Marcia Warren: No, darling, no. We'll always play our close shots profile to profile.
- Homer Smith: What about when we kiss?
- Marcia Warren: Oh, there'll be no difficulty with that at all. Of course, in the picture I'll have my face nearer the camera because I'm your wife and I love you.
- Homer Smith: Yeah, well get your hand down. You're spoiling my closeup.
- Mrs. Morrison: What kept you so long?
- Ahmed Ben Hassan: One of my white mice.
- Mrs. Morrison: White mice! You know, if you were really efficient you'd teach 'em to sing in high C and save the expense of tuning forks.
- Cleona Jones: [to Hector] Don't look to me, I ain't Mecca. Go on, just face the East, bow three times and blow.
- Mrs. Morrison: Wait a minute. I don't like leaving Mr. Smith alone. He's a very inquisitive young man.
- Ahmed Ben Hassan: He knows better than to run away.
- Fat Doorman in Cairo Theatre: Oh, I don't know. By his own admission, he's not very bright.
- Ahmed Ben Hassan: What could he possibly do - make a dash for the plane?
- Col. Woodhue: He must have dropped that as a message to you.
- Marcia Warren: But I thought you said he must have lost them. He's not smart, huh? He's just a small-town hick.
- Col. Woodhue: I didn't say that.
- Marcia Warren: No, I know you didn't. I did. Stand back everybody, I'm going to sing a C.