- Tony Lagorce: [meeting for a duel with Elmer] Anything! Swords. Pistols. I don't care. I'll kill him anyway.
- McCracken: What's the difference? Swords, pi...
- Elmer: Satisfy both sides. Let him have a sword and I'll use a pistol.
- Nina Estrados: And what are you in this place?
- Elmer: Who, me?
- Nina Estrados: Yes, you!
- Elmer: I'm just a jugolo.
- Nina Estrados: What?
- Elmer: I'm a fella that goes around makin' women want other men.
- Elmer: Do you know anything about firearms?
- McCracken: Sure. I was shot three times in the Argonne.
- Elmer: Well, look, I gotta invention. Its my own invention, you see. Its a spot shot pistol. You squeeze the handle and it throws a spot out so you can see where you're shootin' at night.
- McCracken: Gee, that's miraculous. Miraculous!
- Elmer: I'm gonna demonstrate it if I can to General Bouschay and maybe the French Army will adopt it.
- McCracken: Marvelous! Say, it'll be the makin's of ya. It'll be the greatest invention since Einstein discovered them relatives.
- Patricia: For an ardent lover, you're really late! Where have you been?
- Tony Lagorce: If I told you, that would mean another argument.
- Patricia: Involving another woman!
- Tony Lagorce: No. Patricia, I swear it. There never could be anyone but you in my heart.
- Patricia: Oh, leave your guitar of a heart. I'm dancing no longer!
- Tony Lagorce: Patricia, it is for your sake that I restrain myself at this moment. I shall see you at your apartment tonight!
- Patricia: Oh, it will be quite useless, I assure you.
- Patricia: Now you listen to me, you wrecked my car and you're going to pay for it. Do you understand that?
- Elmer: Oh, I understand that, but, I don't understand how? Maybe I give you back a little at a time - say, two francs a week.
- Patricia: That would take exactly fourteen hundred and forty-three years and I don't care to wait that long.
- Elmer: Well, some weeks I can give you three francs.
- Elmer: Say, if your pipes ever freeze or you need your shower fixed, I'll do it for nothin'. Isn't there something I can do for ya?
- Patricia: Yes, there is! You look like a man who can be depended upon. If you made a promise, you'd go through with it, wouldn't you? Well, now this is what I want you to do for me. I want you to stand between me and Tony Lagorce. I want you to act as my lover.
- Elmer: Oh, I couldn't charge for that!
- Elmer: I'll help ya. But, I don't know exactly what you want me to do?
- Patricia: I'll tell you exactly what I want you to do. I want you to stand between me and Tony Lagorce. If I try to go to him, hold me back. Use force, if necessary.
- Elmer: Oh, I couldn't do that. I might hurt you.
- Patricia: Oh, but you must!
- Patricia: Tony, now, now. Tony, I'll tell you the truth. Elmer was here, calling on me and - and when you came...
- Tony Lagorce: Calling in his pajamas!
- Patricia: They're not his pajamas! They're my paja-!
- Tony Lagorce: So, we know the truth! At last!
- Patricia: No. No, Tony, I can explain everything, darling...
- Tony Lagorce: And You! You made a fool of me for the last time with your lies and your running away.
- Patricia: Tony, please!
- Tony Lagorce: And all the time you've been in love with this insect! This cockroach! This turtle!
- Elmer: Tuttle!
- Aunt Charlotte: Oh, Doctor, tell me the worst.
- Elmer: It's worse than I expected.
- Aunt Charlotte: What did you expect?
- Elmer: The worst.
- Patricia: When I look at you I don't wonder why Tony tried to get rid of you.
- Patricia, Nina Estrados: He'd belong to me if you would divorce him. If I would divorce him?
- Patricia, Nina Estrados, Elmer: Yes, if you would divorce him!
- Patricia: He told me he was married to you.
- Nina Estrados: And he told me he was married to you.
- Elmer: Say, are you married to this Nina Estrados?
- Tony Lagorce: Oh, of course not.
- Elmer: Then you don't love her?
- Tony Lagorce: Who, Nina Estrados? She's just a crazy rattle-crazed Spaniard. The kind of a woman a man finds, fondles, and forgets.
- Elmer: Gee, I wish I could handle women like you do.
- Tony Lagorce: Oh, it's an art - if you will take the word of one who has had many, without becoming tied to any.
- Elmer: Do you like fireworks?
- Tony Lagorce: Do I like what?
- Elmer: Fireworks.
- Tony Lagorce: Fireworks - yes, yes, of course, I like fireworks, very much.
- Elmer: Well, that's good; cause, we're gonna start with a human Roman candle.
- [opens the door and out walks...]
- Tony Lagorce: Nina!
- Elmer: In the flesh.
- Tony Lagorce: [Tony is strangling Elmer] Tell me! Tell me about the contract! Tell me!
- Elmer E. Tuttle: I can't.
- Patricia Jardine: You can and you must!
- Elmer E. Tuttle: I can't. He's got his thumb in my windpipe.