Groucho Marx credited as playing...
Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush
- [Stuffy has grabbed some poison to drink]
- Dr. Hackenbush: Hey, don't drink that poison! That's $4.00 an ounce!
- Dr. Hackenbush: Oh, well, uh, to begin with I took four years at Vassar.
- Mrs. Upjohn: Vassar? But that's a girls' college.
- Dr. Hackenbush: I found that out the third year. I'd 've been there yet, but I went out for the swimming team.
- [Dr. Hackenbush is pointing to a portrait of one of Judy's parents]
- Dr. Hackenbush: You know, I proposed to your mother once.
- Judy: But that's my father!
- Dr. Hackenbush: No wonder he turned me down.
- Flo: I want to be near you. I want you to hold me. Oh! Hold me closer! Closer! Closer!
- Dr. Hackenbush: If I hold you any closer, I'll be in back of you!
- Whitmore: Just a minute, Mrs Upjohn. That looks like a horse pill to me.
- Dr. Hackenbush: Oh, you've taken them before.
- Mrs. Upjohn: Are you sure, Doctor, you haven't made a mistake?
- Dr. Hackenbush: You have nothing to worry about. The last patient I gave one of those to won the Kentucky Derby.
- Whitmore: May I examine this, please? Do you actually give those to your patients? Isn't it awfully large for a pill?
- Dr. Hackenbush: Well, it was too small for a basketball, and I didn't know what to do with it. Say, you're awfully large for a pill yourself.
- Dr. Hackenbush: Emily, I have a confession to make. I really am a horse doctor. But marry me, and I'll never look at any other horse.
- Dr. Hackenbush: Here, boy. Here, boy, eh, take these bags and run up to my room and, eh, here's a dime for yourself.
- Mrs. Upjohn: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Eh, this is Mr. Whitmore, our business manager.
- Dr. Hackenbush: Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Here's a quarter.
- Flo: Oh, what is the meaning of this? Oh, why you little pest. Well!
- Dr. Hackenbush: Say, what's the matter with you mugs?. Haven't you got any gallantry at all?
- Tony: She's in with Whitmore. She's trying to frame you.
- Dr. Hackenbush: I wouldn't mind framing her. A prettier picture, I've never seen.
- Flo: Thank you.
- Dr. Hackenbush: Thank yo.
- Tony: Hey Doc! Doc, I'm tell you a secret - she's out to get you.
- Flo: Why, I've never been so insulted in my life.
- Dr. Hackenbush: Well, it's early yet.
- Dr. Hackenbush: It's the old, old story. Boy meets girl - Romeo and Juliet - Minneapolis and St. Paul!
- [Tony offers Dr. Hackenbush a hint book]
- Tony: One dollar and you'll remember me all your life.
- Dr. Hackenbush: That's the most nauseating proposition I ever had.
- [Talking about Stuffy]
- Tony: I think he's a ubangi.
- Dr. Hackenbush: Well, I'll get a hammer and "ubangi" that right off.
- [referring to Ms. Marlowe]
- Dr. Hackenbush: You've got it all wrong. This is my aunt. She's come to talk over some old family matters.
- Tony: I wish I had an aunt look like that.
- Dr. Hackenbush: Well, take it up with your uncle.
- [Hackenbush is asked to 'OK' a file]
- Dr. Hackenbush: I'm too busy right now. I'll tell you what. I'll put the 'O' on now and come back later for the 'K.'
- Mrs. Upjohn: Dr. Hackenbush tells me I'm the only case in history. I have high blood pressure on my right side and low blood pressure on my left side.
- Dr. Leopold X. Steinberg: There is no such thing. She looks as healthy as any woman I ever met.
- Dr. Hackenbush: You don't look as though you've ever met a healthy woman.
- Gil: Are you a man or a mouse?
- Dr. Hackenbush: You put a piece of cheese down there and you'll find out.
- Nurse: Doctor, the Turkish Bath.
- [Hands him the phone]
- Dr. Hackenbush: Hello. Yes, will you look in the steam room and see if my frankfurters are done?
- [Stuffy blows a balloon during a medical exam]
- Dr. Hackenbush: If that's his Adam's-apple, he's got yellow fever.
- Tony: He's got in-grown balloons.