- Self - Host: [Interviewing Paul Rudd] Some people have it all. Looks, talent. How does it feel to only have looks?
- Self - Host: Little trivia about my show: I originally wanted to call it Betwixt Two Ferns, but I thought that was too highbrow for the public.
- Self - Host: [Interviewing David Letterman] And again I'd like to thank Crystal Meth Santa Claus for being here.
- Cam: Zach is -- and I'll say this in the nicest way I know how -- he is an absolute piece of shit garbage rat loser donkey.