- John Mulaney: Last November, the strangest thing happened. Now, I don't know if you've been following the news, but I've been keeping my ears open, and it seems like everyone everywhere is super mad about everything all the time. I try to stay optimistic, even though I must admit things are getting pretty sticky. Here's how I try to look at it, and it's just me. This guy being the president, it's like there's a horse loose in a hospital. It's like there's a horse loose in a hospital. I think eventually everything's gonna be okay, but I have no idea what's gonna happen next. And neither do you. And neither do your parents because there's a horse loose in the hospital. It's never happened before. No one knows what the horse is gonna do next, least of all the horse. He's never been in a hospital before. He's just as confused as you are. There's no experts. They try to find experts on the news. "We're joined by a man who just saw a bird in the airport." It's like, get out of here with that shit. We've all seen a bird in the airport. This is a horse... loose in a hospital.
- John Mulaney: You spend most of your day telling robot you're not a robot! Think about that for 2 minutes and tell me you don't want to walk into the ocean.
- John Mulaney: I'm getting grumpy, which I don't like, I don't like any new songs. I don't like any new songs. 'Cause every new song is about how 'tonight is the night', and how 'we only have tonight'. That's a message in 90% of songs, that's such 19-year-old garbage. I wanna songs for people in their 30s, called 'tonight's no good, how about Wednesday?' '... oh, you're in Houston on Wednesday?... oh ok, then let's just not see each other for 6 months, and it doesn't matter at all'.