Blackbird

This film should have been made in Kansas. The dialogue is so corny, that even the B actors trying to say the lines at least deserve an award for keeping a straight face as they deliver these lines of drivel. The film must have been written by a first year film student during his or her lunch break. The dialogue is so bad, it sounds improvised without a director present. There is no director on earth who could have saved this turkey. They would have been much better off trying to play this as a satire, but it would have failed badly at that as well. Please do not waste your money seeing this poor excuse for a film. I saw it for free, and needed two gin and tonics to get over my experience.

I really agreed to watch this because I like Eric Roberts - or I have. Previously. I guess he was suffering from the lack of work post-Covid. I don't know why else he would take this junk on. He, alas, could not begin to redeem it.

A good friend was a top tech on one of Flatley's productions, and told me about his experience in great detail. I won't go into the most sordid bits, as the man is ill. Suffice it to say, Flatley has an ego the size of Australia, showcased in this ill-conceived vanity piece. Only a pubescent boy could possibly think that this is good filmmaking. Thin plot badly written, worse editing, and ridiculously unnecessary hats. I'm embarrassed for Eric Roberts. He can do better, so I gave it two stars.

Directed by Michael Flatley, written by Michael Flatley, produced by Michael Flatley, financed by Michael Flatley and starring Michael Flatley as Victor Blackley.

I so much wanted to love this film, I came into it with high hopes of cheesy one liners, over-the-top action, a classic plot straight from the 80's and all set in Ireland, but it is neither of those, just a pretty lame film all round. An ego trip.

Victor Blackley (Michael Flatley) is an ex secret agent belonging to a group called the Chieftains, he now runs a speak easy in the Caribbean. All round bad guy Blake (Eric Roberts) enters his establishment to do a dodgy deal with terrorists that could destroy all mankind, on his arm is Vivian (Nicole Evans) a former fling of Victors. Will Blackley be able to save the world and his girl?

Apart from Michael Flatley's 300 grand entries. It's really 80 mins of peacocking, postering, posing, smiling, old men and hot young women. Oh, and 5 mins of action near the end.

The plot is weak, so much doesn't make sense and comes across as an ego enhancer. You spend 70 mins not knowing where it is going, only to be disappointed when it gets there. The dialogue is poorly written. I feel Flatley had too much hands on and maybe should of let someone else take the reigns because it had the bones of a great action flick in there somewhere.

Without bad mouthing Michael Flatley too much, his acting is decent and he can rock a hat, unlike Patrick Bergin who seems to have just shown up for a pay check. The others do what they have to along with Eric Roberts as always. Possibly the stand outs are Ian Beattie as Nick and the beautiful Nicole Evans.

All and all a few laughs at the plot choices, but feels like a 150 min film, rather than 90 mins. Some of the scenic settings are great and you could watch the mesmerising Mary Louise Kelly as Madeleine all day. Avoid the cinema, watch it at home with a few beers with the lads. It might get more laughs that way. With all that I'm still looking forward to the sequel.

For the cheesemeisters: During the showdown, when Blackley goes off screen to beat up a few bad guys is like something from Looney Tunes.

This movie is genius. Eric Roberts get drunk, it must be filmed in order because he does get worse every scene. I am surprised he is able to stand up at the end.

And oh my word, the end. It is incredible. Which is great because for most of the film absolutely nothing happens. The only things to keep you interested on the way through are Michael's hats, they are incredible. How they manage to stay on defies physics. It is worth getting through the 90% boring nothingness just for them, and his outfits.

Now back to the ending, no spoilers here. Just imagine the ending of usual suspects, at the boat yard. Now remove anything interesting, sensible or intelligent and this gets close to what we have here.

When Flatley was writing this, I think he struggled with anything long enough to be considered a sentence. I think he just copied and pasted anything from generic love sick back story. But it does get ridiculous, and supper funny.

The cinematography is great, who ever did that was wasted on this film. So eight stars for them. But -10 for Flatley's overt racism, and general incompetence.

Also my heart goes out to all the poor young beautiful actresses that Flatly forced into this movie. With the ridiculous outfits he made them wear, made get naked in front of and even kiss Granddad in this movie. I really did feel sorry for them. But mostly I felt for their safety.

However, I laughed so hard at the end, so I can't give it just one star. I will watch that again whenever I need cheering up.

OK, I've watched this so that you don't need to.

Rather than review this on here, I'd encourage you to chase up Mark Kermode's rant. Not only is Kermode on sparkling, witty form, but he also tells you all that you need to know about why you shouldn't watch this. And let me just qualify that: ever.

Kermode said: "It's not just bad - it's eye-wateringly awful. There are scenes in this that Tommy Wiseau, who made The Room, would have said, 'I'm sorry, that's actually not up to snuff - we're going to have to take that out ... This is not cinema; this is something so staggeringly self-regarding. I've seen a lot of very bad performances, but this is in a stratosphere of his own."

This review doesn't contain spoilers, because they would add nothing to what is already spoiled beyond repair.