- Johnny Carson: [on his guest's feather collection] You didn't take 'em - you didn't take them out of birds, did you?
- B.J. Sniff: Only one.
- Johnny Carson: What?
- B.J. Sniff: Only one.
- Johnny Carson: ...Now we're gettin' somewhere.
- Johnny Carson: [on his 7-year-old guest collecting feathers in the forest] You could have got in trouble, or somethin'?
- B.J. Sniff: Probably my parents would get thrown in jail, or they would get a fine.
- Johnny Carson: For you pickin' up feathers, your parents could have... could be - could have gone to jail? We - we're livin' in a strange... you can go to Kmart, get an Uzi over the counter. But they're gonna put him in the slammer for takin'...
- Johnny Carson: [presenting his guest some new feathers for his collection] These came as a - as a present, uh, for B.J.? OK. I think these came from the San Diego Zoo?... Hm? Oh - they didn't want me to mention that, right? Too late.
- Johnny Carson: [after his 7-year-old guest makes a coin disappear] That's a pretty good trick. I used to - money, stuff like that. About every ten years, I make a lot of money disappear.
- Leonard Nimoy: The fact is that I'm a very grateful guy, you know? I mean, I'm still around, and, uh... and still finding work - still, uh... uh, have opportunities. Haven't stopped working since I put the ears on, you know. So what's there to complain about?
- Bill Maher: The sexual revolution meant, basically, that people were having more sex with more people, with less preliminaries to the sex - and men have always been for that! That's no revolution for us, right? I mean, this was women wanting equality of sleaziness.
- Bill Maher: You've been in a meeting, and - and you ask if you can smoke, and they look at you like you just asked if you can blow your nose in the drapes!