- Detective 2: We really do live in a crack house!
- The Roommate: Where the fuck is the fridge? I've only been up twenty-five minutes. I got milk this morning when I came down. There was a fridge here twenty-five minutes ago.
- Detective 2: I guess our refrigerator was running! We gotta go catch it.
- The Roommate: Hahahah.
- Detective 2: But where the fuck is it?
- Police Commissioner Alejandro Martiz Oregano: Well, boys thanks for coming in. I see you've sat down and I didn't even fucking tell you to sit down. Sit the fuck down!
- Police Commissioner Alejandro Martiz Oregano: What the fuck's been going on?
- Detective 1: Primarily rape.
- Detective 1: You! Why'd you do it you sick son of a bitch! Killing another man! How could you do that, killing another man!
- The Mediating Machina: It wasn't him! This body's been here since this morning. It was just found a couple of minutes ago... fucking asshole!
- Detective 1: You're right.
- Detective 1: [licking ice cream off of the ground of a crime scene] Hazelnut.
- Detective 1: You're a chunky monkey, Kyle!
- Murder Suspect: This handcuff is just...
- Detective 1: I understand, it's very... Budget cuts. Budget cuts.
- Murder Suspect: All you had to do was handcuff it to something else...
- Detective 1: No, it's broken Kyle.
- Murder Suspect: Oh. Then why'd you put the other half on me?
- Detective 1: Budget cuts. Lots of budget cuts. Speaking of cuts... like to the throat!
- Detective 2: It was his forehead!
- Murder Suspect: How could you identify me by my forehead?
- Detective 1: FIS. Forehead Identification Services.
- Detective 2: I am going to throat punch you! I want to throat punch you so goddamn hard into your throat. Into your throat! On your throat! On your throat! Oh my god I want to throat punch you.
- Detective 1: Next time get a throat guard.
- Murder Suspect: A throat guard?
- Detective 1: They're in the front in a basket. Like free condoms in a clinic, Kyle. Throat guards. They're in a basket. It says "Beware of throat punching, this man's crazy
- Detective 2: I'm going to throat punch rapists and murders you sick son of a bitch!
- Detective 1: You sadistic, sick pervert!
- Detective 2: It is one thing to murder and rob but to rape is demented and cruel. People like you make me sick. The fact that you could even commit a crime like that is disgusting. You are trash. You are rubbish. You are poop. P-O-O. Poop. Imagine. Picture a big pile of steaming poop. That's what you are right now. You sicken me.
- Detective 2: To all the girls, guys, transgenders, or anyone else who has been a victim of sexual assault, I'm here to remind you that you're not alone and we can all take down the wrongdoers because they should not be doing that to you and you all deserve equal rights.
- Detective 1: Looks like a classic case of candy and a currant bun. But wait, how did you know where to find me?
- Detective 2: I just followed the trail of Danny DeVito's.