- Principal Dwight: Hey, uh, just by a show of hands, how many people have a test that starts with the question, "True or false: Principal Dwight has three nipples?"
- [students laugh and all raise their hands]
- Principal Dwight: Well, that's a lot of you. Well, it's false. Put false. I was born without nipples for your information, and it looks beautiful!
- Principal Dwight: [to Mr. Teller] I don't know what stinks more, your attitude or my suit - and that's really saying something, because my suit is covered in poop.
- Leo: [gifting a new black sketchbook] I figured your other one, may it rest in peace, was almost full, so you probably need another one.
- Rafe: It's awesome, man, thank you, but... I mean, all my best stuff was in my last sketchbook. Comics, inventions...
- Leo: Expertly drawn boobs.
- Rafe: Those were realistic... I think.
- Leo: I hope.
- Leo: I'm sick of people trying to suck the fun out of childhood. Let's stop the suck! Let's show them that we don't give a... What rhymes with suck?
- Principal Dwight: Excuse me, young man. What is your name?
- Rafe: Rafe Khatchadorian.
- Principal Dwight: What did you just say to me?
- Rafe: It's my last name. I'm new.
- Principal Dwight: Well, being new does not entitle you to swagger in here with no clothes on.
- Rafe: I'm... I'm wearing clothes.
- Principal Dwight: No, those aren't clothes. Those are rule violations. Every single thing you have on flies in the face of rule number twenty-two.
- Rafe: What's... what's rule number twenty-two?
- Principal Dwight: Are you telling me that you haven't read our code of conduct?
- Rafe: All right, if I don't tell you, I won't get in trouble, right?
- Principal Dwight: [sighs heavily] Unbelievable. The code of conduct, young man. Read it, learn it, live it. Rule number twenty-two is "Always obey the dress code." That means no printed shirts, no wild colors. And look what's happening to the collar of your shirt here. Your headphones are dragging it open. Nobody needs to see where your chest hairs are going to be.
- Rafe: Yeah, okay, yeah, got it.
- Principal Dwight: "Got it?" How about "Got it, sir?" Rule number one here at Hills Village is to respect your principal, and since I'm the principal, that means you need to respect me by calling me "sir" or, if you prefer, "Principal Dwight." Or maybe even "Sir Dwight," if you like.
- [both chuckle]
- Principal Dwight: Good. You have recognized my keen sense of humor. Not everybody does. Good man. Okay, good. All right. On your way into school, which is that way.
- Mr. Teller: So, we have a new student today. I'm assuming you are...
- Rafe: I'm a transfer student, sir.
- Mr. Teller: Oh, you don't have to call me "sir." Makes me feel old, and I already feel old. I drive a... Saturn.
- Rafe: It's just Principal Dwight told me to call everyone "sir." It's like a... one of his rules.
- Mr. Teller: Okay. Well, I don't see any Principal Dwight in here, do you? Seriously, do you? Because he is a master of disguise.
- [laughter]
- Mr. Teller: So, we have a new transfer student today who's name I'm realizing I did not ask just now. What's your name?
- Rafe: Rafe Khatchadorian.
- Miller: Whoa! It'd suck to have to spell that dumb name.
- Shon: Well, Rafe, welcome to hell.
- Principal Dwight: Art should be locked up in a museum where old people can enjoy it or children on field trips.
- Rafe: We get to go on field trips to art museums?
- Principal Dwight: God, no. No. That's a complete waste of time. We're not doing that.
- Leo: If I've learnt anything from Call of Duty - besides how to curse in thirteen languages - it's that we've got to complete this operation before we launch up the new one.
- [to raise the school test score average, Principal Dwight suspends every student in Mr. Miller's class for one week]
- Mr. Teller: These kids may be troublemakers, they may not be "A" students, a lot of them smell weird, but they are smart enough to know you don't leave hard evidence inside their lockers. These are hardly the masterminds of such an extravagant prank. If anything, I would say that this seems like a setup.
- Principal Dwight: Are you insinuating that this is a setup?
- Mr. Teller: Yeah. That's why I just said this seems like a setup.
- Principal Dwight: I don't like that, because it almost sounds like you're thinking this is a setup.
- Stormin' Norman: So in conclusion, I'm not gonna stand here and make a bunch of promises, just this: You should vote for me because my dad is super rich and my stepmom is really hot.
- Ida Stricker: Excuse me, is your name David?
- Rafe: No.
- Ida Stricker: Were you carved by Michelangelo?
- Rafe: No.
- Ida Stricker: Stop standing around like a statue. You're blocking the flow of traffic.
- Miller: Hey, Kick-a-dorkian. It's Miller time. Stay out of my way or I'll wedgie you so bad you'll be able to taste your underwear.
- Bear: All right, listen up, twerps, and listen good. I'm here to stay, and that smile on your mom's face that you're all so happy to see, I put that there; so, unless you wanna be responsible for her unhappiness, I suggest you check your attitude and your bladder at the door because now... you're guests... in the bear cave.
- [Miller boasts he can deliver a roundhouse kick to Rafe's face, which Mr. Teller hears and calls him out to perform]
- Miller: Of course, I can, but I just can't do it now, because, uh... I forgot to renew the lethal weapon registration on my feet.
- Mr. Teller: Yeah that's a bummer. I hate it when that happens.
- Leo: [voice-over on note in card] Hey, bro. Guess now I've taken that Vinlothian space cruiser into the sky. And whatever I'm doing now, is probably a lot cooler than what you're doing stuck in school. Kidding. Don't tell anyone, but I actually kind of liked some of my classes. And since I'm confessing stuff, I guess it's time to tell you I've always looked up to you. You're super talented, and you can draw and create anything. So, imagine something cool for me. And then live something cool for you. Love, your younger brother, by one year and two months, Leo.