- [First lines]
- Sam: Why'd you breakup with her?
- Ethan Cooper: Seven reasons actually. Number one, she doesn't vote.
- Sam: Eh!
- Ethan Cooper: Shh! Number two, she cheered for Bulgaria in the last Olympics.
- Sam: Bulgarians don't even cheer for Bulgaria.
- Ethan Cooper: Okay, so it was one Bulgarian and he was missing an arm.
- Sam: The rest of the time she cheered for America?
- Ethan Cooper: Yes.
- Sam: Okay, that one's a stretch too. Look, why don't you just forget your seven reasons and admit that you only need one to talk yourself out of any girl.
- Ethan Cooper: What's that?
- Sam: That she's not Emily.
- Ethan Cooper: [describing his job] I take dysfunctional systems and I disassemble them for diagnosis.
- Veronica: Jump in after me, Ethan!
- Ethan Cooper: Really?
- Veronica: Prove to me your love!
- Ethan Cooper: Eh... I would normally, but... it's cold.
- Sam: So, she's a little messy. You're a perfect match. You don't pay the electric bills, you'll never see the mess.
- Sam: You know, as someone who hasn't been in a relationship for a while, I think you have to move past the weird thing. Was she breathing?
- Ethan Cooper: [to Sam] Aw, come on, man. The laundry basket is less than ten feet away.
- [to the dog by pointing at the socks]
- Ethan Cooper: Beast!
- Sam: You taught him how to do laundry?
- Ethan Cooper: Apparently not.
- [Last lines]
- Ethan Cooper: It's time to top off the night with some Team Jacob.
- Emily Atkins: Edward. Team Edward.
- Ethan Cooper: Once you've been in the presence of perfection, it's hard to settle for anything less.
- Principal: This year's Humanitarian Award for her work with homeless homing pigeons and reprogramming the left-handed, Emily Atkins.
- Ethan Cooper: I was in awe of her, never dreaming that on June 4th, 2004, at 3:26 PM, she would take my heart, throw it in a backpack, toss it in a van, and drive away with it.
- Sam: You poor thing.
- Ethan Cooper: I was devastated.
- Ethan Cooper: Have I ever steered you wrong before?
- Lexy Cooper: Pet coyote incident of 2003 comes to mind.
- Ethan Cooper: Fond memories.
- Lexy Cooper: Yeah, rabies shots are memorable.
- Mrs. Taylor: In fact, they told me that you've saved Lexy from a few disasters.
- Ethan Cooper: She listens to me.
- Mrs. Taylor: Why?
- Ethan Cooper: She trusts me, and I'm just good at spotting incompatibilities. Why the twenty questions?
- Mrs. Taylor: [whispering] Could you do that for me?
- Ethan Cooper: Excuse me?
- Sam: You're the expert. There's got to be a chip in that high gloss, heavy duty, premium quality paint.
- Donna: Wayne, did you ask around?
- [Wayne squints, not understanding]
- Donna: To see if there are any girls who would like to dance with Mitchell?
- Wayne: [kindly] That sounds like Mitchell's job, honey.
- Donna: [covering Mitchell's ears] Do you really want to leave Mitchell's future in the hands of Mitchell?
- Wayne: Course not.
- Donna: Don't you want him out of the house?
- Wayne: More than anything.
- Mitchell: I can hear you! And I would like to pick my own girls.
- Donna: Fine. Who do you pick?
- Mitchell: [looking about] None of 'em.
- Donna: Why?
- Mitchell: They're all snooty.
- Donna: They are... refined... like sugar.
- Mitchell: But you won't let me HAVE sugar.
- Donna: Well, tonight you are off your diet... figuratively.
- Sam: Come on, Ethan. Pay the woman what she's worth.
- Ethan Cooper: Why do you even care?
- Sam: I've always been a champion for the under-employed.
- Ethan Cooper: You once tipped a pizza delivery guy in sunflower seeds.