Quest of the Doofus Knights
It's nice to see the SCA people getting more work. In fact, they get a huge amount of work in this cheesy quasi-medieval movie, playing all the extras and even some of the principals.
The so-called premise of this stinker is that the inventor and scientist Archimedes invented a huge amount of technology, including some kind of laser. One of his assistants collected everything and hid it away in a cave somewhere in ENGLAND! Uh-huh. They did this to keep this technology away from the world, which is a good thing in my opinion. Archimedes gets killed by some Roman soldiers(what?!)-or a guy at a toga party gets stabbed by a guy in a bad Halloween costume, take your pick.
Cut to the fourteen hundreds, where a really annoying, whiny little kid is being sold as a slave 'somewhere in Europe'. Europe the country, that is. A beggar buys the kid for one copper, because nobody else wanted him(what a surprise). The beggar turns out to be a spy for an organization called the Delta Knights(the airline?). He recognizes the girly slave boy as some kind of special prophet that the Knights have been waiting for, because he can translate a 'red book' left by Archimedes to point the way to the treasure. The puzzles in this book are so lame that a two year old could have figured them out, but whatever.
The beggar-knight teaches the boy for six years or so(or at least that's what it feels like). The kid grows long golden curls and looks ever more like a girl, which makes me think of a good reason why the knight kept him around so long. Especially since the boy calls him 'Master' all the time...
In comes the villain of the piece, played by the same actor who played the beggar-knight! You'd think the guy would recognize his identical twin, but no...Maybe its the stupid costume Lord Vulchare is wearing that keeps the knight from recognizing himself. It involves gold leaf, horns, and a truly silly looking cape. I'm surprised that he didn't spend all of his time swishing it. He looked like an escapee from a Broadway musical.
Lord Vulchare captures the knight, the boy rescues him using a blow gun, of all things! And then Vulchare kills the knight. I wonder what happens when you wipe out your Doppleganger... One annoying character down, a man we couldn't forgive anyway because of an earlier scene in which he threw his own urine onto a passing 'villager'. Unfortunately, the boy-girl survives and escapes.
He meets an Orlando Bloom wannabee in a tavern, after getting hit on by a tavern whore. The prissy artist type claims to be Leonardo Da Vinci, a heresy if ever I saw one. The kid can't even draw, I doubt Da Vinci EVER wore clothes that femmy, AND he spent the rest of the movie hitting on the tavern whore. The real Da Vinci might have evinced far more interest in the pretty boy-girl than in the overblown charms of the woman.
The pair saves the girl from Vulchare, I'm never sure why, and set out to find the storehouse. This is supposed to involve a trip to England, but I never saw them in any kind of boat. Did they fly over the English channel? They get captured by a Robin Hood type, who turns out to be a Prince of some kind(of what, we never find out). And lo and behold, the tavern whore turns out to be his long lost sister! At this point, I had the massive urge to slap this movie briskly..
There's a scene where the boy and Leonardo try to escape from the Robin Hood guy, and as they flee through the night a disembodied voice croons "I'm coming..." over and over again. Hysterical. Somebody was obviously sucking a medieval bong before they went out to chase down the dynamic duo.
They finally find the store house, and marvel at the cheesy artifacts. Leonardo promptly appropriates all of Archimedes' ideas, proving that he was a lucky idiot rather than any kind of genius. The kid blows up the store house to keep the treasures from getting out into the world, making you wonder: "What was the whole purpose of this movie!" Arrgh! The whole quest goes down the tubes, and you sincerely wonder why you just spent the last hour and a half wasting your time watching this piece of crap! Oh well, at least it was quite funny, especially Richard Kind as the idiotic 'great wizard'.
The so-called premise of this stinker is that the inventor and scientist Archimedes invented a huge amount of technology, including some kind of laser. One of his assistants collected everything and hid it away in a cave somewhere in ENGLAND! Uh-huh. They did this to keep this technology away from the world, which is a good thing in my opinion. Archimedes gets killed by some Roman soldiers(what?!)-or a guy at a toga party gets stabbed by a guy in a bad Halloween costume, take your pick.
Cut to the fourteen hundreds, where a really annoying, whiny little kid is being sold as a slave 'somewhere in Europe'. Europe the country, that is. A beggar buys the kid for one copper, because nobody else wanted him(what a surprise). The beggar turns out to be a spy for an organization called the Delta Knights(the airline?). He recognizes the girly slave boy as some kind of special prophet that the Knights have been waiting for, because he can translate a 'red book' left by Archimedes to point the way to the treasure. The puzzles in this book are so lame that a two year old could have figured them out, but whatever.
The beggar-knight teaches the boy for six years or so(or at least that's what it feels like). The kid grows long golden curls and looks ever more like a girl, which makes me think of a good reason why the knight kept him around so long. Especially since the boy calls him 'Master' all the time...
In comes the villain of the piece, played by the same actor who played the beggar-knight! You'd think the guy would recognize his identical twin, but no...Maybe its the stupid costume Lord Vulchare is wearing that keeps the knight from recognizing himself. It involves gold leaf, horns, and a truly silly looking cape. I'm surprised that he didn't spend all of his time swishing it. He looked like an escapee from a Broadway musical.
Lord Vulchare captures the knight, the boy rescues him using a blow gun, of all things! And then Vulchare kills the knight. I wonder what happens when you wipe out your Doppleganger... One annoying character down, a man we couldn't forgive anyway because of an earlier scene in which he threw his own urine onto a passing 'villager'. Unfortunately, the boy-girl survives and escapes.
He meets an Orlando Bloom wannabee in a tavern, after getting hit on by a tavern whore. The prissy artist type claims to be Leonardo Da Vinci, a heresy if ever I saw one. The kid can't even draw, I doubt Da Vinci EVER wore clothes that femmy, AND he spent the rest of the movie hitting on the tavern whore. The real Da Vinci might have evinced far more interest in the pretty boy-girl than in the overblown charms of the woman.
The pair saves the girl from Vulchare, I'm never sure why, and set out to find the storehouse. This is supposed to involve a trip to England, but I never saw them in any kind of boat. Did they fly over the English channel? They get captured by a Robin Hood type, who turns out to be a Prince of some kind(of what, we never find out). And lo and behold, the tavern whore turns out to be his long lost sister! At this point, I had the massive urge to slap this movie briskly..
There's a scene where the boy and Leonardo try to escape from the Robin Hood guy, and as they flee through the night a disembodied voice croons "I'm coming..." over and over again. Hysterical. Somebody was obviously sucking a medieval bong before they went out to chase down the dynamic duo.
They finally find the store house, and marvel at the cheesy artifacts. Leonardo promptly appropriates all of Archimedes' ideas, proving that he was a lucky idiot rather than any kind of genius. The kid blows up the store house to keep the treasures from getting out into the world, making you wonder: "What was the whole purpose of this movie!" Arrgh! The whole quest goes down the tubes, and you sincerely wonder why you just spent the last hour and a half wasting your time watching this piece of crap! Oh well, at least it was quite funny, especially Richard Kind as the idiotic 'great wizard'.
- Oosterhartbabe
- Oct 23, 2005