Vampyres

This film had neither the so bad it's good cheese of say John Carpenter's Vampires or the intrigue of a film like Chronos or Byzantine. Instead we have very bad acting, massively unlikeable protagonists, but worst a flat storyline, little tension and just sleezy pornographic scenes that are more uncomfortable than sexy or even shocking. I was bored. I hated the main characters, who were on one hand arty working on a movie or something, one of them suffering a break up. Yet on the other they seemed only interested in sex. If that's your cheesey hook, don't try and make me take them seriously! RUBBISH! The editing was clunky to say the least, and some shots were good the whole film was just boring and confused. The arty movie with no brains, good plot or acting, but not a fun cheese fest either. Avoid.

Vampyres: A remake of the 1974 film. Not great and a bit disjointed. Two Vampire sirens live in an old dilapidated house, they seduce or ambush their victims in the woods. There are plenty of throats slashed with knives (these vampires don't have sharp canines) and victims being hung upside down so that the blood drinkers may bathe in their blood. The plot really could be more coherent but the vampire lore and their hunting methods are entertaining if you are a horror fan, not for the squeamish though. There's also a victim who strikes back with a crossbow. Instead of villagers in the inn giving warnings we have women who run a B&B who caution travelers. Just about worth watching. Directed & written by Víctor Matellano. On Netflix. 5/10.

Another try at dipping my toe into the murky waters of modern horror and it's 2015's VAMPYRES, a remake of the Jose Ramon Larraz 1974 same-name classic that I happen to rate quite highly. As usual with remakes, I spent most of the time wondering whether it was worth it, and the answer is unsurprisingly no. This is virtually a shot-for-shot retread missing out entirely the horror and eroticism of the original, replacing them with extra characters and boring subplots.

From the outset this is a tough slog, a very cheap looking digital production with that greyed-out look that many of us recognise and hate. It's another Spanish film, badly dubbed in English in the version showing on Netflix, and the no-name cast give resolutely poor performances, particularly the lead actresses who do nothing with their roles. There's some requisite blood and nudity but it's a far cry from that of the original film. The only notable thing are a couple of nothing cameos from Caroline Munro and Lone Fleming (TOMBS OF THE BLIND DEAD). Avoid!

This sort of feels like a remake of 70s movies with the same title. But to be honest there have been quite a few erotic movies in the 70s with lesbian vampires. So this is maybe something that was gone for a while, but it was merely sleeping in the dark - no pun intended.

So after all that lurking, maybe you have to be forgiving when it comes to the acting of it all. The accent is not helping, unless it is a thing you'd consider "authentic". That said, a lot of nudity, a lot blood (the throat cutting effects in the film are quite well done and the movie knows it) ... I reckon there are worse movies. Especially if you don't mind the non-plot you are being served or the non-actors trying their luck to act ... is that a pun?

Despite the quote from Theophile Gautier's La Morte Amoureuse, cameos by Caroline Munro and Lone Fleming, and the well-cast Vampyres, this remake is almost complete misfire. All the Gothic atmosphere is replaced with cheap and almost amateurish digi look, dull scenery and ugly setting where the vampettes live. Soft porn grinding is still there, so are the brutally bloody killings - sometimes even approaching torture porn territory.

Verdict: sadly goes to category Useless Remakes.