- Stan Laurel: I'm never getting married again. I'm just going to find a woman I don't like and buy her a house.
- [Stan and Oliver have reached the top of the station staircase. Stan has one large trunk in one hand]
- Oliver Hardy: What time's our train?
- Stan Laurel: 8.05.
- Oliver Hardy: What time is it now?
- Stan Laurel: Hold this.
- [Ollie takes a small suitcase that Stan was holding in his other hand. The trunk slides all the way to the bottom of the staircase]
- Oliver Hardy: Do we really need that trunk?
- Stan Laurel: You know, when you watch our movies, nobody else in the stories knows us, and we don't know anybody either. It was just the two of us. All we had was each other.
- [after introducing some friends to Stan and Oliver's wives]
- Bernard Delfont: Two double acts for the price of one.
- Ida Kitaeva Laurel: I may live in Hollywood, but I am not Hollywood.
- Lucille Hardy: Ida, you are the epitome of Hollywood.
- Ida Kitaeva Laurel: Don't you pity me.
- Lucille Hardy: What?
- Oliver Hardy: I knew.
- Stan Laurel: Well, why didn't you tell me you knew?
- Oliver Hardy: I thought you already knew I knew.
- Stan Laurel: How could I know that you knew I knew?
- Oliver Hardy: What would my line be here?
- Stan Laurel: Uhm, now I know you knew, but I thought you knew I knew, but you were pretending not to know I knew.
- Oliver Hardy: What are all these Romans doing here?
- Stan Laurel: I don't know. Maybe there's a sale at the Forum.
- Oliver Hardy: Have you heard from Muffin?
- Stan Laurel: Miffin.
- Oliver Hardy: Miffin? Is that really his name?
- Stan Laurel: How about I just punch you right on the nose? I haven't done that for a long time.
- Oliver Hardy: Can I poke you in the eye?
- Stan Laurel: You could wring my neck.
- Oliver Hardy: I think I'd rather poke you in the eye.
- Stan Laurel: You'll be fine, Babe. Just lay off the horses, and don't get married again.
- Oliver Hardy: Oh, I didn't tell you. I proposed to Lucille.
- Hal Roach: What are you looking for, Stan?
- Stan Laurel: I'm looking for a fair price for a Laurel & Hardy picture, and you know it. Our pictures sell all around the world and we haven't got a dime.
- Hal Roach: That's because you keep getting divorced!
- Stan Laurel: No, it's because you're a cheapskate who got rich off our backs.
- Oliver Hardy: Come on now, Stan...
- Stan Laurel: He is, he's a cheapskate, a skinflint and a - and a parvenu.
- Elderly Woman: We just want to know who's playing Laurel and Hardy, please.
- Glasgow Empire Manager: They're playing themselves.
- Elderly Woman: Who are?
- Glasgow Empire Manager: Laurel and Hardy. Here in person, the poster says, they're here in person.