Cocaine Shark

If you've seen Cocaine Bear and are excited to see what Cocaine Shark has to offer, may be you should hold your horses. Originally titled Kanizame Shakurabu, this movie was renamed to shamelessly cash in on Cocaine Bear, to the point where the cover art for the DVD/blu-ray is literally marketing a movie that doesn't actually exist. To be clear, there's very few sharks in this and even less cocaine.

Cocaine Shark may actually have found life just selling exactly what it is, a very silly B movie featuring mutated creatures, bad acting, and cheap effects. It does at least remain humourous, since the movie is very well aware of how bad it is, and stop motion and cheesy graphics are always a pleasure.

Cocaine Shark feels like a student movie, or something that would have aired on the SyFy Channel. It's not as bad as it seems, but also not good either.

I was impressed with some of Mark's DIY creative choices, but that's always been something I love about Polonia movies. They've always got effort and creativity and a rotating group of actors you actually love watching.

I asked myself if Dustin Ferguson watched this and took some notes for his own Cocaine Cougar that I haven't been able to make myself watch and then I remembered he's completely delusional so of course he didn't. He also had his movie on shelves 3 weeks after Cocaine Bear debuted so I doubt he even watched that. The reviews I read for it say it's the exact same formula he always uses just with a terrible cgi cat thrown in at random places.

Anyway, this would probably be a 3.5 on a regular scale, but I'm rating it on the Ferguson Bell Curve so it's a 4.

I remembered when the movie was announced and of course I was planning to watch it. I mean, an insane title such as "Cocaine Shark" just screams of a movie you have to watch. Granted, I wasn't harboring any expectations to the movie at all, after having seen the trailer.

And now I finally had the opportunity to sit down and watch "Cocaine Shark". And let me just clarify that "Cocaine Shark" from writer Bando Glutz and director Mark Polonia is by no means a contender to the hilarious "Cocaine Bear" movie. Not even remotely. Nay, "Cocaine Shark" is an abysmal movie in every possible aspect.

The storyline in "Cocaine Shark" was pretty simplistic. The writing was bland and the narrative was amazingly mundane and sluggish. There was nothing thrilling or exciting about the storyline, unless you consider it being a massive dumpster fire as being exciting.

The acting performances in the movie were amateurish, wobbly, questionable and laughable at best. Needless to say that there wasn't a single famous performer on the cast list. Not even Nicolas Cage would touch this with a stick.

The special effects in "Cocaine Shark" were exactly that; special. Yeah, you have to see how crappy and poor the special effects, practical effects and CGI effects are throughout the course of the 76 minutes that the movie ran for in order to believe that something like that actually comes to see the light of day in 2023.

The movie's cover/poster over-sells the movie a million times. Yeah, there was no shark looking like that in the movie. Nope, not even remotely. The sharks in the movie were either toy sharks or horribly rendered CGI sharks that wouldn't even fool a blind man.

There are plenty of horrible and laughable shark-themed movies out there, but "Cocaine Shark" is definitely a contender for the top three of crappy shark movies.

Do yourself a favor and stay well clear of "Cocaine Shark". Some of us suffered through this, literally, so you don't have to.

My rating of "Cocaine Shark" lands on a one out of ten stars.

This year saw the release of not only Cocaine Bear...but a series of D-grade, ultra low budget spinoffs, like Cocaine Cougar...and, of course, this piece of Polonia produced trash...Cocaine Shark.

Which is not exactly what you'd think it would be, judging by the image on the poster...ie a giant shark, high on cocaine.

Rather, cocaine is spiked with some sort of bio-chemical, derived from sharks, that makes addicts hallucinate that they are shark-like humanoid creatures.

Or, more inexplicably, "crab sharks"...which manifest with a combination of shark and "crab" features (though they are more lobster like, in actuality).

On top of this iconic creativity...it features the piss poor dialogue you'd expect from a homemade horror...and some of the worst acting to ever grace the screen.

But the creatures- rendered with stop motion- are actually kind of cool.

In a lame sort of way.

But that doesn't make the title any less misleading.

Whether you like it (and why would you?), or not, this is sort of trash that Polonia has made a name for himself doing.

Leaving you to wonder how he actually manages to fund these projects.

My guess, would be from the overtime shifts at his McDonald's job.

But you've got to admire his passion.

Because there's no doubt he knows he sucks at making films...but doesn't let that slow him down.

As he shamelessly persists to produce worse and worse films...that are somewhat, laughably, entertaining.

Luckily, this one is relatively short.

So it's not to much of a burden to watch...when you want to get your cinemasochism on.

2 out of 10.

No pun intended - I really try to avoid giving 1 out of 10 if possible. I am accused of being too nice when it comes to rating movies. I just couldn't ... well this really fails on many if not all respects when it comes to movies ... or what a movie should be and how they are made and should look like.

Editing, "acting" and the story (that I reckon is non existent) ... add to that Windows Screensaver effects ... and you have a "winner" - I am being sarcastic ... and I reckon that is a better joke than anything you will find here. All that said, I do understand if some people do like the low budget feel of this ... tough to watch to say the least ... Cocaine Bear becoming Citizen Kane in contrast ...