- Headmaster Buckle: Oh, and i've also got you down for assistant rugby coach to the under fourteen second team.
- Tom Michell: That may be a problem, Headmaster.
- Headmaster Buckle: Because?
- Tom Michell: I don't know anything about rugby. In fact, I actively dislike it.
- Headmaster Buckle: Why is that?
- Tom Michell: I like my balls round.
- Tom Michell: I rescued him from an oil slick.
- Woman at Beach Café: You rescued him from an oil slick?
- Tom Michell: Yeah.
- Woman at Beach Café: He rescued him.
- Tom Michell: Yeah. And now he thinks he's my friend, but he's not my friend.
- Woman at Beach Café: Well, you can't leave your penguin here.
- Tom Michell: He's not my penguiin. I don't like penguins.
- Woman at Beach Café: Then why did you save his life?
- Tom Michell: Because I was trying to impress a woman I wanted to have sex with. Now, I've ended up with no sex, and a penguin.