Disaster Wars: Earthquake vs. Tsunami

I remember saying over and over again..."Are you kidding me"? I had to check the spoiler box, because to describe some of the ridiculous scenes that passed for a movie these days was absolutely necessary in hopes to save the rest of mankind from wasting one second of their precious time to think they might want to watch this.

You've got a supposed geological expert dragged out of his house in the early morning and forced to "help" the Vice President save the world, yet he has to do it all while wearing his bathrobe. Lol They wouldn't even let him change into clothes. Hilarious.

Then, two idiots on a sailboat are filming a live segment for a news channel. Really? HOW did they do that? They had a regular cam sitting on a tripod. You know, the ones you'd use for home movies and yet they were going "live" on the air. Really? How was this gal knowing when they were going live? She had no headset on. The entire time they were supposedly on the air, the camera bobbed up and down because the boat was riding the waves. I swear, this had to be one of the dumbest things I've ever seen on film.

LOVE the two kids holding down the fort in Hawaii where their job is watching for earthquakes and warning the public to evacuate. Seriously? I thought highly trained meteorologists did that kind of work. Not two goofy kids. They looked like teens.

Every single person involved with this film (and I use the term loosely) could not act. Not one bit. Even Priscilla Barnes was horrendous. She also looks really bad. There were so many pauses before the next person would say their dumb lines. Only a very bad director allows this to happen.

I've seen really bad movies, but this should never have made it to even television. My high school cinema class handed in better movies.

I have a sickness. I find appalling movies gratifying. I've become so fond of them that I'm literally filled with glee when I see one. The worse it is, the more joy I appear to gain from it.

Thus, I am a living, breathing meter of terrible. And I can tell you that my meter is off the charts on this one. I'm practically reeling in elation, and trust me, this is bad for you sane people.

(The following text will be a series of hyperboles designed to push forth the general impression that the movie was bad. If you feel the need to stop reading now, I forgive you. Go in peace.)

This is the first time I've ever looked at a film and said to myself, "You know what.. I think I could do better. By myself even." The special effects are downright horrifying. Horrifyingly bad that is. I have seen a friend of mine work with freeware software for a class project, and even he did better than what I just saw. These special effects are on the same level as "Birdemic" and "MegaPiranha." They are that bad (I recommend both movies, by the way.. Though you may hate me for it).

How about the acting? Believe me, watching a dog bark at itself in a mirror will give you more empathy than anything you'll get from the acting in this one. How any director could look at this and say, "Yes, this works. It's really creating the mood," is a mystery to me. I don't think any other actors could possibly make an impending catastrophe appear to be less worthy of heartfelt emotion. The dialogue was so incredibly dry, and deeply inept.

The best acting in the whole movie had to be the bums. They were great.

What about the plot? Plot holes don't just exist, they hit you in the face with a shovel. The level of stupid is so high that it might actually seep out of your screen and get on you. I'm not going to bother giving examples, that would be cheating. But trust me, common sense doesn't exist in this one.

I realize that budgetary concerns are commonly used as an excuse, but realistically there is no excuse. Amazing movies have been created on very tight budgets. If your special effects are bad, tighten your acting. If the acting is poor, smooth out the plot. There are ways to concentrate on the winning points of your feature. Even with everything else being terrible, your movie can still be entertaining and fun! This director failed to pick a winning point, but instead attempted to do everything at once, and the film had almost no noteworthy moments. Sadly, there was simply just no entertainment.

The acting producer should be able to tell right away that something is wrong, and make appropriate course corrections for the production. For instance, the special effects: "Let's see, earthquakes, falling debris, tsunamis, satellites, lasers, nuclear explosions, submarines, bullet wounds and military technology ambiance. And I have a budget of.. Ah hell no. Something's got to go." This would have been a better answer than, "Awwright! We have a computer! Let's do it!"

Lastly, I confess that it brings me joy to inflict this sort of insipid cinema on people. Please watch it. For me? xxoxxo, bye bye now.

Stormageddon: Earthquake vs. Tsunami is one of those rarities where it was a real struggle to stick with it well before the halfway mark, but because it is a personal rule never to judge a film without seeing the whole thing, stuck with it I did but with a lot of regret afterwards. Stormageddon: Earthquake vs. Tsunami is down there with the worst disaster movies ever made and a very strong contender for THE worst and certainly the most amateurish, managing to do the impossible and make the movies from The Asylum look good. Not in a long while has there been a cheaper-looking movie, true there are a lot of badly made movies seen recently but even they were not this cheap. The camera work will be the nightmare of epilepsy sufferers(coming from an epileptic here), even for the deliberate use of shaky-cam it felt far too excessive and unnecessary often. The photography is as dreary as muddy water and you'd be hard pressed to find any worse-looking special effects, looking 30 years at least out of date, under-proportioned and like they were made at last minute with scarce left-over materials to say they're amateurish is being generous. The sound is a lot of the time so muffled and distant that it is not always easy to make out the dialogue. From what you can hear of them though it is certainly not anything to write home about, the entire script sounding like total, incoherent and improvised-sounding gibberish, leaves a lot under-explained and does nothing to develop or humanise the characters. The concept was a very old and predictable one, but Stormageddon: Earthquake vs. Tsunami does nothing new or fun with it. Instead it's pedestrian nonsense from start to finish to the extent it is even devoid of unintentional/novelty humour and there are no thrills or suspense whatsoever. The characters can barely pass for characters, having absolutely nothing to them let alone a personality, the direction is just incompetent and there are dire performances from the entire cast who look bored out of their skulls and like they were held at gun-point. The overwrought, exaggerated crying, facial expressions that were either creepy or shockingly comical and the static posing betray a complete lack of acting talent. All in all, an appalling movie, not just one of the worst of the disaster movie genre but quite possibly one of the worst of any genre and film in general. 0/10 (a rating I do not give out often). Bethany Cox

There are no words to describe!! There is only twitching and eyes bulging in disbelief!! All that remains is the hope that whoever was responsible for this horror died in the explosive finale.

Now in my top 20 worse movies ever made. The only person I recognized was the lady who played the Vice-President. She played the President in "24". Hard to believe. Was she that hard up for work?

If you do start to watch this terrible movie, you'll probably find yourself skipping ahead until you actually see something happening. Special effects looked like it was done by a few 12 years old. Avoid headaches by skipping this disaster.

A bit puzzled how this got even 3 stars. People could give all the spoilers they could and this still would not upset many people. Is the man in the bathrobe the hero? You won't care one bit.