Clash of the Empires

Some movies defy reviews.

Think "Zardoz." Think "Myra Breckinridge." Think of any time you've said, "What the hell planet is this movie from?" That's this movie.

The gorgeous location shooting, along with the grand adventure narrative, give the impression hack filmmaking house The Asylum's goal here was to evoke a John Milius' "Conan the Barbarian"-type epic.

What turned it to gold was the decision to populate the cast almost entirely with Thai midgets. And they fight giant spiders and battle cavemen who ride flying Komodo dragons. Because yeah. And all of this takes place, the beginning of the film instructs us, in "Indonesia, 12,000 years ago."

Shoehorned into the story are some dude from "Stargate SG-1" and every-man's-Asian-girlfriend-nightmare Bai Ling, because the movie needed star power and Bai Ling probably needed the money for bail or booze.

But they don't matter, because what this movie is really about is wildly overacting, violently gesticulating little people who have been dubbed, apparently, by the same people who dubbed all those "Godzilla" movies in the 1960s.

Folks, they're WONDERFUL. They chew through the scenery, barking their lines and flailing their arms like Ewok Shatners.

They turned what might have been an above-average adventure offering from The Asylum, like "Princess of Mars," into an astounding Munchkinland/Lord-of-the-Rings/tiny-chicks-in-the-box-from-"Mothra" mashup.

It's pure movie crystal meth. You know it's poison. You know it's rotting your brain. But you just can't resist it.

And despite the cavemen's obvious joke-store fang teeth, despite the second most poorly rendered digital woolly rhinoceros ever put on screen (the first being, of course, Zach Galifianakis), despite your wanting Bai Ling to just stop yapping and take her clothes off (she does neither), you'll watch it again. Then you'll rent it again. Then you'll buy the DVD. Then you'll start selling "Clash of the Empires" DVDs just to support your viewing habit.

This is your brain. This is your brain on overacting Thai midgets. Any questions?

I hate to give such bad score for a film, but this is the typical idea that is better in a book. Each of the variables (Actors, effects, script, music, makeup, time, equipment, etc...) can transform the movie into a catastrophe (pretty much what's happen). I'm not saying that all aspects of this movie are awful, but in comparison with a international movie's standard... I could not give less. That is why I"m sorry, I try to understand all the good work and the good things that the movie have as well, but still seams an idea way too ambitious for what they have in hands. I like all kinds of movies, and I know that is too easy criticize a work that is already done. but seriously, there is a lot of things in the movie that are stupid and unnecessary.

Most of The Asylum movies are terrible, but I keep watching them because there is something compulsively entertaining in how bad they are that you have to keep watching. Lord of the Elves or Age of the Hobbits is not particularly good as a movie, but The Asylum have done far worse than this. The scenery is spectacular, some of the best of any movie to come out from The Asylum, and the camera work is at least orchestrated competently. Christopher Judge's resonant voice and Shakespeare-like delivery of lines makes for a nicely enigmatic performance. Bai Ling, as beguiling as she looks, is too subdued however, and the rest of the cast are significantly hindered by the truly cheesy dubbing. The dubbing also makes the dialogue awkward and not very easy to understand. The special effects are a mixed bag, the giant spiders and lizards look good and are well above average for The Asylum but the flying lizard-dragons and enormous rhino are less good, the rhino actually was rendered very badly. The story is thinly structured and unexciting, never really getting a chance to properly open up. The choreography for the fight sequences is lacking in tightness and the performing of it likewise. The music is on the generic side, the characters are rather cardboard and never really developed enough to make us care for them and the direction shows a director not putting enough of his own style into the movie, coming across as rather flat and characterless instead. To conclude, could have been much worse and has the scenery and Judge's performance to thank for that, but while somewhat entertaining really rises above mediocre in my opinion. 3/10 Bethany Cox

the story line is there ,some of the acting was good but the directing and the writing was some the worst I have ever seen. who writes this stuff.you take a hand full of good actors and make them look like clowns.when i know they are better then that.i understand people have to make a living but before you destroy peoples careers learn how to write you hacks

(2012) Clash of the Empires HISTORICAL ACTION FICTION

In order for China and Rome to make peace with one another, Rome would have to send in their prince, in this case, it's Marcus (Gavin Stenhouse) to marry one of China's princesses named, Princess Meng Li Hua (Jing Lusi). The Roman army also needed the assistance of a Malaysian warrior named Merong (Stephen Rahman Hughes), who also has a score to settle with an evil Malaysian wizard, as well as a radical Malaysian army group, intent to sabotage the whole peace process altogether, between China and Rome. And they do this by kidnapping the princess. The demographic audience for this movie sometimes seems like it's intended for kids, while there are other times it's intended for adults. I guess, it's for adults during the times when they're subtitles that needed to be read, with the silly comedy bits intended for kids. Then there's the CGI, which looks totally fake, as well as the fight scenes which I have to say sometimes look phony- at times looked like that it was made for TV which surprisingly is not. 1/2 a star.