Bikini Spring Break

From the cover DVD photo you can tell that the girls are as old as Saggy Maggie, and the one with the red wig is chubby as hells. Comedy my asshole. Keep looking if you want to watch a sexy comedy. There are two things that I do not do...guys and this movie. OMG why did I watch this movie for almost 22 minutes? My rabbit was recharging, and I needed to kill some time. The old and dated "Bikini Carwash Company" and "Bikini Summer" do a better blowjob of movie entertainment than this piece of poo-poo. Yes, I said it. Poo-poo and Doo-Doo is what this movie makes me think of when it is on the television. If there had been some "2Girls1Cup" action going' on in this one, at least it would have been shocking. Next time, just go for the gold and watch "Showgirls" 1995 with Jesse Spano. It's a guaranteed full on c-chubby.

Well, with a title such as "Bikini Spring Break" it should be pretty self-explanatory about the movie. But hey, it is a comedy, and it could just happen to turn out to have been an enjoyable comedy and a good comedy at that. With that in mind I sat down to watch "Bikini Spring Break".

Which I should not have done. I should have listened to that little voice in the back of the head saying "no! Don't do it!" This movie turned out to be nothing more than an excuse for director Jared Cohn to show off women's breasts. The storyline was non-existing and whatever was there just fell to the floor as it was apparently more important to focus on showing off naked breasts than working on having a storyline that would hold in an audience which were beyond giggling over naked breasts.

I managed to suffer through 40 minutes of excruciating and gut-wrenching awful movie history here as I hoped and hoped again that the movie would pick up and the bare, naked breasts fetish was just a phase for director Jared Cohn. But that was not to be, and I ended up more than fed up with this, and pardon the language, but rubbish movie.

The acting in the movie was adequate, taking into consideration that they had next to nothing to work with.

The comedy also died a slow and horrible death in this movie, as it was left unattended as the director was too busy cramming as many naked breasts into each frame as humanly possible.

If you enjoy a good comedy, and if you are beyond giggling over a naked breast (which you can essentially see almost anywhere nowadays anyway), then do yourself a favor and do not waste your time, money or effort on "Bikini Spring Break". Some of us suffered so you don't have to.

Probably the most interesting fact about the film is that Robert Carradine is in it and in the same year he appeared in this awful movie, he also had a role in Django Unchained. I used to think Rena Riffel's double was the most impressive thing in Hollywood (Showgirls and Striptease) but the fact Carradine appeared in one movie with the likes of Leonardo DiCaprio, Jamie Foxx and Samuel L. Jackson and direction from Quentin Tarentino and then appeared in this film with a bunch of Hollywood lookalikes (one actress looked like a taller, healthier Selena Gomez, another may be a Jennifer Lawrence clone) in the same year is mind-boggling.

Unlike, say, The 18 Year-Old Virgin or Barely Legal (quickly becoming a personal cult classic), Bikini Spring Break features zero appealing characters, a plot full of holes, non-existent acting and awful pacing. Scenes go on forever, the personalities show zero character development and there's little logic. Just lots of bare breasts.

The actresses playing these one-dimensional characters pretty much play their real-life selves. I saw the movie as a slice of reality of the mind-sets of dumb bimbos than actresses portraying said bimbos.

The threadbare plot sees these moronic beauties driving from Los Angeles to Miami for a Marching Band contest and having their bus break down in Daytona, where they go through the same stuff we've seen for 30-40 years. Nothing ground breaking. Carradine plays their teacher who bravely tries to make the most of his role in order to salvage something when he showed up on to the set of Django Unchained to be ridiculed for appearing in BSP.

There are better raunchy comedies from The Asylum. Unless you can't get enough of bare breasts, pass.

Please read in a slow sad and depressed voice.

I don't think I'll ever comprehend the mind of a woman, and why they do these things. Once again this film caters to social degenerates who never got any in the real. Or frat boy douche bags. There's no story, except woman get naked and wet and act like complete sluts. That's the moral of this film, women are objects that serve one purpose to men. The characters are portrayed as complete morons, but that's what makes them completely realistic. It's a bad movie, front and back. In fact, it's not even a movie, but more of a girls gone wild feature length film. These types of movie really make me question life, and if I should ever even get involved with another human being, the safe bet is no, keep doing what your doing. The film has no plot, no nothing. There is a reason why stuff like this is free on the internet, and why it should be kept away from film.

This movie saddens me deeply, but everything portrayed in the film is 100 percent realistic, so people don't need a paycheck to do this kind of stuff. I honestly tied not to fast forward through it, but it was mentally abusive, and I couldn't take it anymore.

Here is a sad and depressing review, as always, stay away from this film. Unless you're a fan of Asylum films, then knock your self out. Seriously.

Talking about movies that are absolutely going nowhere...even within its genre this movie is being an extremely bad one, without any true creativity and fun to it.

It honestly still could had worked out all. I mean, it had a pretty decent concept, that at least provided the movie with plenty of opportunity to put in some fun and adventurous moments. But I don't know, it just doesn't feel at all as if the movie was trying to be any good. Everyone involved was just probably happy they were working and receiving a paycheck for it and absolutely none of them made any effort to turn this movie into an even remotely good or entertaining one.

The main problem with the movie is that it never feels like its going anywhere with its story. Stuff just happens, often without an apparent reason and basically nothing feels connected or as if it's building up for anything to happen. It makes the movie feels like it's going absolutely nowhere with its story or characters and it actually also turns it into a very tiresome movie, that begins to annoy after a while.

There is also a serious problem with the movie its comedy. It just isn't being all that funny or clever at all. It's some incredibly formulaic stuff, that besides gets poorly delivered by its cast. It also often goes on for far too long. They stretch certain comedy sequences out for as long as possible, perhaps in an attempt to still let it work out as something funny.

You'll most likely have a very hard time caring about anything that happens in this movie. This is also because of its characters, that are far from likable enough and just too often are being far too stupid. It's fine for these sort of movies to have 1 or 2 stupid characters in it but basically every single person in this movie is being a moron. It of course makes this movie and all of its events far from likely ones but what is far worse is that it makes the movie all the more annoying to watch as well, also because it just doesn't add anything good to the movie its comedy.

Seriously, with a tad bit more creativity this movie at least could had been somewhat bearable and watchable for certain age-groups but it now instead is a movie I consider to be absolute trash and it's not worth one single second of your time.

I really don't easily say this but you are an absolute moron if you like this movie!

2/10

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