- Professor Poopypants: Hiyah class, I'm your cool new teacher, not some scary guy with a secret evil agenda
- George Beard: When I snap my fingers, you will obey our every command.
- George Beard, Harold Hutchins: You are now the greatest superhero of all time, the amazing Captain Underpants!
- Mr. Krupp: [as Captain Underpants] Tra-La-Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
- George Beard: Your problem isn't that people laugh at you. Your problem is that you can't laugh at yourself.
- Professor Poopypants: Oh, really, Oprah? Is that my problem?
- George Beard: [Regarding the automatic door in Mr. Krupp's office] Wow! That is an expensive door.
- Mr. Krupp: I had to cancel the arts and music program. I think I made the right choice.
- Mr. Krupp: This mornings school-sign is supposed to read "Sewage plant field trips are today", so can either of you explain why it now reads...
- [pulls down curtain]
- Mr. Krupp: "COME SEE MY HAIRY ARMPITS"? I know you two are responsible!
- George Beard: How, how do you know, do you have any proof?
- Mr. Krupp: Ever since you've attended this elementary school you've been responsible for one prank after another.
- [montage of pranks plays]
- George Beard: ...Wow, that's a lot of pranks.
- Harold Hutchins: When it's cut together like that, you really get a sense of the scope.
- George Beard: Some of those must have been really hard to pull off.
- Harold Hutchins: Like that tiger!
- George Beard: Yeah, that tiger was crazy.
- Mr. Krupp: [screaming] Aaaaaahh!
- Captain Underpants: [after getting almost hit by a car] Ha ha
- Driver: Out of the road, bozo!
- Captain Underpants: Why thank you, vehicle person!
- Harold Hutchins: Separate classes lead to separate lives, which inevitably leads to robots.
- George Beard: Wait, what? Why are there robots at the mall?
- Harold Hutchins: Cuz it's the future. The future always has robots.
- George Beard: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why are the robots shooting other robots? Aren't they supposed to be friends?
- Harold Hutchins: I don't know! I'm the artist, you're the writer! That's why we need each other!
- Professor Poopypants: This is the brain of an average child. Right here is the Thinking-about-candy-lopolus. The Fear-of-what's-under-the-bed Lobe. This is the The-only-thing-I'll-eat-is-pizza,-chicken-nuggets-or-bottled-noodles Lobe. Right here is the As-soon-as-someone-else-has-a-toy-I-want-that-toy Anterior Lobe. And this, this is the Hahaguffawchuckleamalus. This funny little purple part holds our entire capacity for laughter. For years, I've tried to shrink it or cut it out entirely. But frustratingly our survival seems dependent upon it!
- Harold Hutchins: Captain Underpants... is that really you?
- Captain Underpants: Let's see: Underpants? Check. Captain? Also check. I'm pretty sure I'm Captain Underpants!
- Edith: I just made this tuna casserole and I noticed it had your name on it... in jalapeño peppers.
- Mr. Krupp: [sniffs it] Well, it smells... spicy!
- Edith: Yep... that's 'cause it's been dry-aged for a week.
- Mr. Krupp: I have no idea what that means, but it sounds very time consuming.
- Edith: It took a week.
- Professor Poopypants: Hello! I was just, like, admiring the view from your... broken window, in the shape of a naked balding man!
- Mr. Krupp: Ever since you've attended this elementary school, you've been responsible for one prank after another.
- George Beard: Euww! They like each other!
- Harold Hutchins: No, George: I think it's much worse: they 'like, like' each other.
- George Beard: What ya'd talking about? Girls don't 'like, like' adults.
- Harold Hutchins: Well, you probably haven't seen: your parents are married; but in my studies, 'like, liking' seems to end in marriage.
- George Beard: Oh.