João, Maria e a Bruxa Da Floresta Negra

I saw a poster of this movie in a mall: there was a gingerbread man smoking a blunt, and I thought it was cute and funny. I decided to give this movie a chance.

During the first ten minutes, the movie seems the typical horror-oriented (well, this is what it aims for; it obviously misses its point) comedy written by a pair of pubescent 13-year old boys. You know, boobs, weed, bad jokes and even worse music. But no, oh no, it gets much worse. The plot is dull, the acting is awful, the characters are the stereotypical boneheads you find in each and every bad horror movie: the hot blonde, the ghetto girl, the stupid hunk and the smart geek. Wow. Brilliant.

I can't even begin to describe how awful this movie is. Maybe that's what the producers wanted? Making a parody of an actual film?

If, as I previously stated, you're a 13 year old boy who likes weed, energy drinks, bad jokes and centerfolds, congrats: you can survive watching this movie. To everyone else, there are many better things you can do to fill this hour and a half. Take a walk, bake a pie, I don't know. Don't waste your time on this!

Save for some of the names to appear in the cast - Lara Flynn Boyle! Cary Elwes! Yancy Butler! - the premise doesn't inspire confidence that we're going to get any surprises. The classic tale of Hansel and Gretel is reimagined for the modern stoner generation, and with that conceit in mind, at the very start the film pointedly spotlights paraphernalia, active use, cannabis culture, and pot puns and weed humor. The cast are invited to lean into the spirit of hazy highs with loopy lines and acting, and the writing at times emphasizes these aspects to an absurd degree; not since 'Dude, where's my car?' has the word "dude" been employed so effusively in a script. Mind, there are plenty otherwise juvenile, boorish inclusions in the dialogue and scene writing, too. Any viewer who isn't themselves a marijuana enthusiast, or who doesn't care for depictions in media of such indulgence, is in for a rough ride from the get-go.

It's not a very promising beginning. Yet things quickly go a different route, and I must give credit where it's due: 'Hansel & Gretel get baked' is genuinely far more well made than I would have expected. True, those expectations weren't very much; I anticipated a horror-comedy for stoners that would probably fail to particularly deliver on any of those accounts. So I'm surprised that the blood and gore actually look really great, and earnest care was put into the visual effects. The production design, art direction, and cinematography are honestly fantastic. In fact, while marijuana kicks off the feature and is the central notion underlying the plot, the horror facet is arguably the strongest here, as it's only a very light and unbothered sense of levity that flavors the writing instead of defining it. Moreover, instead of just being a stoner comedy take on a revered fairy tale, there's sincere effort put into updating the narrative. There's some real intelligence on hand; for one example, observe the scene about one-third in that doesn't bat an eye in giving a portrait in miniature of the absurdity and cruelty of the "War on Drugs." We see the declination of law enforcement to do their jobs when the possible victim has a record even for mere possession; the way drug laws turn every innocent into a suspect, a tool of the police state, or both; the flailing incompetence and inability to really do much of anything in most instances, least of all when someone may be at risk. In a scant few minutes 'Get baked' quietly informs that for as much as the genre element is highlighted, and for any tomfoolery, the work put into this was no joke.

I suppose all this means that moviegoers who actually want the stereotypical stoner comedy are going to be disappointed, because that's not what this title is about. I, however, am delighted, because that niche genre isn't one I much care for myself. The movie we get instead takes our assumptions and throws them out, and is all the better for it. Apart from dashes of overdone pothead humor there's some meaningful wit in the screenplay, and the narrative is solid. Every scene along the way is written and executed well. The original score lends definite atmosphere, alongside smart use of lighting and environmental effects, and Duane Journey's direction is really quite good. The horror styling also extends beyond only the witch that we meet in the tale of the Brothers Grimm, and the labor put into realizing each component is admirable. 'Get baked' shows off excellent hair and makeup work, and superb props and set pieces, to feed into the more gnarly ideas herein. On top of all this, while to some degree limited by the nature of the material, the cast give capable performances that tell me it would be worth watching some of their other movies. Above all others, Boyle is terrific as the witch, Agnes, turning in a show of acting that's laced with cheeky range and nuance befitting a devilishly clever, confident, and powerful villain. She's clearly having fun with her part, and it's a joy to see.

None of this is to say that 'Hansel & Gretel get baked' is perfect. Details aside, one may well say this is a very common horror thriller, and I can't argue with that. Some instances of plot development are a hair contrived, Movie Magic that assembles the story Just So such that the picture can be completed on time and within budget. Given the tone the feature otherwise takes, the early heavy accentuation of the glazed-eyes stoner element ultimately feels out of place, becoming distasteful for the fact of it. And for as sturdy as the horror-oriented adaptation is, and increasingly so as the length progresses, something nonetheless feels indescribably off about the course of events here, as though it's both too easy and somehow incomplete. I don't think these shortcomings are so severe as to majorly dampen the entertainment, but all the same I'm left feeling that I want to like it more than I do.

Yet maybe this is all nitpicking. The movie twists around the premise to focus its core in a different direction, but even at that, when all is said and done 'Get baked' delivers exactly what it intends - only with its ingredients in an unanticipated arrangement. In every way this exceeds my best guesses at how it could have turned out, with fabulous work contributed from those behind the scenes, adept writing, and able acting and direction. It's nothing so extraordinary that any would-be viewer needs to go out of their way to see it, and just as much to the point, the audience for this is likely even smaller than the filmmakers presumed, given the elements stirred together and the proportions thereof. All I can say is that I sat to watch on a whim, by no means getting my hopes up, and well before the climax I was astonished and pleased by what I found instead. 'Hansel & Gretel get baked' will appeal to relatively few, but if you're receptive to the idea and open-minded for whatever may come your way, this is a peculiarly sharp slice of horror cinema that's worth checking out!

The pothead Ashton Crawford (Andrew James Allen) and his girlfriend Gretel (Molly Quinn) are smoking in her room special marijuana called Black Forest supplied by the drug dealer Manny (Eddy Martin) and produced by an old lady named Agnes (Lara Flynn Boyle) that lives in Pasadena. Gretel's brother Hansel (Michael Welch) arrives home and Gretel tells that she will bake gingerbread cookie while Ashton will go directly to Agnes to buy more Black Forest. However Agnes is a witch and captures Ash to eat his flesh and drain his youth to maintain youth.

Gretel seeks her boyfriend out and suspects of Agnes, but the police officers Ritter (Lochlyn Munro) and Hart (Yancy Butler) do not give credit to her words since Ritter knows that Ash is a pothead. Meanwhile the gang that supplies weed to Manny learns that he is selling Black Forest to his costumers and they threaten him and their leader Jorge (Joe Ordaz) sends a message to Agnes through Manny. However, the drug dealer is turned into a zombie by Agnes and Jorge and his gang pay a visit to her and are also turned into zombies. Soon Gretel and Manny's girlfriend Bianca (Bianca Saad) decide to break into Agnes' house and they learn that she is a powerful witch. Meanwhile Hansel goes to Agnes 's house to look for his sister.

"Hansel & Gretel Get Baked" is a horror dark comedy about a group of potheads and a group of drug dealers that have their lives entwined with a witch that sells weed. The politically incorrect theme might be funnier for teenage potheads but the plot is funny and the situations works reasonably well. I did not recognize Lara Flynn Boyle, one of the most gorgeous actresses until the turn of the century and now with a totally deformed face by plastic surgery the same way Melanie Griffith and Meg Ryan did. Now she is the witch without make-up. Time is cruel for everybody but it seems to be crueler for those that try to keep beauty and youth at any cost. I have also not recognized the beautiful Yancy Butler, but she is aging with dignity. My vote is six.

Title (Brazil): "João, Maria e a Bruxa Da Floresta Negra" ("John, Mary and the Witch of the Black Forest")

"Hansel & Gretel Get Baked" is horror/comedy directed by Duane Journey which stars Lara Flynn Boyle, Michael Welch, Molly C. Quinn, Edward Zo and Bianca Saad. Actually there are a lot of cool lesser known actors in the film that have some cool moments on screen but for me the story focused more with Lara Flynn Boyle's fun and comfortable portrayal of a stoner witch who eats kids to maintain her youthful beauty. The story is as you would guess a modern day retelling of the classic Grimm story. Quite frankly I cannot believe it took this long to make this sort of movie because it just seems that the pot community and the story of Hansel & Gretel where meant for each other especially as seen in this film. Also don't let the comedy part through you off because this isn't one of those funny flicks that relies heavily on the spoof shtick blatant puns. The humor here only comes from the simple and expected funny sh*t that stoner films are known for. Mostly this film stays with a classic 80's homage horror theme complete with gory effects, creepy build-ups and dark chilling overtures.

The story is simple and interesting leading into this sticky, gooey tale of a witch that lures children into her home so that she may eat them. Only this witch is the kind that you would really want to get high with and Lara Flynn Boyle plays the part perfectly. The slight nuances and interactions between her and other characters made it obvious that she enjoyed playing this role. The characters of Hansel and Gretel are also pretty believable on screen. The story manages to be witty and smart with plenty of representations from the classic fairy tale present but in a very fresh concept. I mean seriously it seems as if this story should have been a no brainer years ago. I have to say if anyone dares to see any movie with "Hansel & Gretel" in the title make it this one! It manages to be a fun original spin on the concept without seeming hokey, plus the elements of horror are far more impressing than you may expect. It manages to use a darker wicked humor which brought the funny without the ridiculous. I plan to add this flick to my 4.20 celebration as the final piece on my day of horror to get high with!

I am impressed that I made it through the entire movie. The sad part is that I think want kept me watching was Lara Flynn Boyle's face. I can't figure out if she got some kind of illness or if she just went crazy with the plastic surgery, but either way, its sad and hard to stop staring. Back to the crapfest of a movie, about an old lady who lures teenagers to her house by selling them weed and then of course, she kills and eats them to regain her youth. This movie was a total snooze fest. I thought it was going to be funny, it wasn't. I also thought it might be a little scary, not even a little. Definitely pass on this on unless you're curious to see Lara's new face.