- Pauline: Solely based on the definition, I don't know a teenager that doesn't profile as a sociopath.
- Pauline: I'm ready to lose my virginity. It's a common misconception that having intercourse during menstruation is unhealthy. When I lose my virginity, I want to be on my period.
- Pauline: I'm not one to advocate violence. But every now and then people like Natalie need to be punched in the face.
- Natalie: Do you purposely leave your house looking like a raging lesbian? You do have the body of a 10-year-old boy.
- Pauline: That's a highly unfortunate opinion, especially considering your vagina looks like a diseased axe wound.
- Natalie: That's vile.
- Pauline: I actually get afraid that I might get a yeast infection just being in the same room with that thing.
- Natalie: Look, I spoke with Adam. And I gotta hand it to you, from the sounds of it he's freakier than I imagined, so I dumped him. He's all yours.
- Pauline: Forgive my vulgarity, but Adam licks pussy like a dog drinks water. I'm not interested.
- Natalie: Suit yourself. You mind if I leave you with some advice?
- Pauline: Make it quick. I gotta take a shit.
- Natalie: You're disgusting. Stop spending your allowance on birth control and invest in some estrogen pills, 'kay?
- [smiling, using sign language, knowing Phyllis can't understand]
- Amber: Being in the same room with you and your daughter, I'm actually grateful for my hearing loss.
- Pauline: I only want you to endure the same gut-wrenching agony during these sessions that I go through every single Sunday listening to your sermons.
- Pauline: [praying] I know I don't believe in you. So you're totally justified if you choose to ignore me. I just, I've been meaning to get something off my chest. I haven't read your book in it's entirety, just can't bring myself to invest that much time into a work of literature that's received so many mixed reviews. I'm an avid reader. There's just so much stuff out there. Okay here goes. I'm planning on having premarital sex. I know you're not gonna be 100 percent on board with it, which is why I was hoping we could discuss your rules surrounding forgiveness? I'm under the impression if I ask you to forgive me, you kinda have to. Which is pretty awesome, just gonna say. If I'm off-base let me know. Otherwise, I'm gonna move forward as planned. Amen.
- Pauline: Dear God. One thing I've been thinking about, the whole thing about relatives watching over you after they die, really rubs me the wrong way. I do a lot of crazy shit while I'm alone, and I'd appreciate some privacy. I don't want to sound presumptuous, but if I do get into Heaven, and my relatives have been watching over me, a lot of relationships will have been compromised.
- Pauline: [praying] And lastly, my mother. Kill her. Kill her before she can make me attend those horrible Cotillion classes. You'll probably want to make it painless, I get it, that's your thing. But hear me out. A little pain never hurt anyone. Besides, you can always just blame it on the devil.
- Pauline: Come here again and I will perform a tracheotomy on you with the blunt end of one of your jump ropes.
- Mr. Claybaugh: Does it mean you're gay if you try to suck your own dick all the time. Who wrote this question?