Bloody Mary 3D

How to begin a horror film? A gratuitously lengthy steamy session of naked lesbian sex in 1904? When hubby comes home unexpectedly and catches wifey at it...how many redblooded males have fantasised about this sort of thing, especially with a stunningly attractive blonde and redhead? But not this guy, instead of joining in, he murders them both. Fast forward to the present day, and the plot is revealed. This is actually a well-known urban legend, that of Bloody Mary. Call her name when you stand in front of the mirror, and if you give the wrong reaction when she appears, it's curtains.

It's also very silly, but if you don't mind a bit of blood, the naked Mary is looking remarkably fit considering she's been dead for over a century. What else is there to recommend it? Well, the soundtrack is not bad, nor are some of the one-liners, like: "We needed something quick and cheap; for some reason I thought of you".

Bloody Mary 3D is bloody awful, but I didn't hate it: it's just too bad not to find just a bit entertaining.

The film opens in the early 1900s, as two women -- redhead Mary Worth (Veronica Ricci) and a hot blonde -- get down to some steamy lesbian sex (both are clean shaven down below and Mary has silicon-enhanced tits -- so much for historical accuracy). The women are interrupted by Mary's husband, who grabs a knife and punishes them for their sins.

In the present day, two women break into a warehouse hoping to appear in the latest music video by rising 'rockstar' Matt Elias (Derek Jameson). To pass the time, they invoke the spirit of 'Bloody Mary', who kills them both. When Matt and his crew arrive, they also encounter the angry ghost, who bumps them off one by one.

When the best performances come from ex-pornstar Ron 'The Hedgehog' Jeremy and overweight movie nerd Shawn C. Phillips, you just know a film is going to be terrible, but Bloody Mary 3D is so incredibly cheap and utterly trashy that it at least avoids the crime of being boring.

Ricci can't act to save her life but spends a lot of the film naked or mostly naked; also adding sex appeal is Alena Savostikova as aspiring actress Elle Bree (who sadly remains clothed throughout). Jeremy plays a harmonica (thankfully, he also remains clothed), Philips runs around with his shirt hanging out of his trousers, and the lousy music video for Elias's equally lousy song 'Ribcage' is played in its entirety (and repeated several times). There are a few murders, but gore-hounds shouldn't get excited: they're totally lame.

I'm probably being over-generous here, but I'm giving this one 4/10 for being so utterly craptabulous.

Well not literally - or in a sense maybe it is. But any way and case, what is sure: no pun intended. The movie starts off with the inciting incident (a woman cheating on her husband) ... with another woman ... and both of them are beautiful - you might confuse this for a softcore movie to be honest .. and they are pretty on the eyes as the saying goes ... but there are other movies to satisfy any need on that front.

Also as beautiful as they are ... I would not call them actresses - no offense. Surely nice people (all of them), but this is an exercise in amateur hour in every respect and regard. Of course that may be exactly what you are looking for - the effects are not bad - but it's not like you'll see anything elaborate ... or any wounds after multiple stabbings for example.

Again suspension of disbelief is the least you have to do ... that the beginning plays at the beginning of the 20th century feels ... well I don't think anyone will actually buy this ... I am certain you have better things to do with your time. Also added weight: a now persona non grata in Ron Jeremy ... though maybe you do not even know who he is or what he allegedly did ... you are blessed if that is the case ... stay blessed and away from this! The German Mediabook Disc release on the other hand is super pretty ... that alone almost made me go 2/10 ... or you love the song so much ... well if you do you are in luck! It almost seems like the movie was made to promote the song.

Nothing can save this terrible movie. Not even the very attractive eye candy in the opening scene, which somehow still holds back. The acting is bad, the script is worse and the best thing that can be said is that when one thinks they watched a really bad movie, seeing this makes one realize that wasn't so bad in comparison. Mary Worth is murdered by her religious fanatic husband when she was caught in bed with another woman, who is also murdered. It was in 1904. With her dying words, she curses him. And naturally she can be summoned,which is what happens. And is the basis for this movie. And truly one does not care what happens to those in her path.

A rating of 2 is really being generous.

The plot isn't scary at all.

Horrible is only the amateurish low quality of sound, acting, singing and picture. :-)