A Centopéia Humana 3

Bill Boss the warder of a tough maximum security prison watches the European art house black comedy films involving the human centipedes and invites the films director Tom Six to see how viable this would be in real life

I can't say I was a massive fan of the original HC . I missed out on the sequel and only watched this one because I had the opportunity of seeing it free and contains the bizarre casting of Eric Roberts and former porn star Bree Olson. On top of all that there seemed to be a meta-fictional aspect of director Tom Six playing himself and the trailer looked good . What's wrong with investing a couple of hours in blackly comical horror ?

Well to be fair the trailer is accurate in a way of "Meglomaniac abuses power and really pushes the boat out" but the execution is dreadful . Dieter Laser looks totally camp in the trailer as Bill Boss and while the performance is bearable in a two minute trailer it's not in a feature length film . I can understand that he's not supposed to be taken seriously for a moment but that's not really the point as he shouts , squeals and uses lots and lots of swear words while inflicting violence on people . It's not satire we're watching but absolute farce and Laser becomes painfully irritating , so much so that you find yourself looking forward to Eric Roberts appearing if only to see a calm and reserved performance . Yes chaps you read that right - Eric Roberts probably gives the most calm , rational and realistic acting performance in the entire movie . I suppose you could also give Tom Six a back handed compliment in making a sequel that is a billion light years removed from the original movie but nothing about it really works and in cinematic terms it feels like a juvenile delinquent who wants to shock the adult world but just ends up looking silly . Take this insult:

"Not even the corpse of a spastic would want you . Now f--k off"

That's probably the most witty line in the film and I've come out with funnier compliments throughout my entire life which hopefully says more about THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE III than it says about me

There are no words in the English language (that i can use here) that can accurately describe how utterly terrible, awful, and just downright dumb this 'movie' was. May i first ask who wanted this movie to be made? What? No-one? OK, THEN WHY ON EARTH DID TOM SIX DECIDE TO MAKE THIS Piece OF GARBAGE??? There is no way, any sane human being would believe that this was in any way imaginable a good idea. It has some of the worst acting i have ever seen in my entire life from every single person in this film and will someone tell Dieter Laser to STOP BLOODY SHOUTING EVERY DAMN SENTENCE LIKE WE ARE 100km AWAY, JEEZ. And on top of the god- awful acting it comes accompanied by the worst scripts in history, and a plot that made absolutely no sense whatsoever, in fact, there was no plot for 90% of this thing. This is 'The Human Centipede' right? SO WHERE WAS THE CENTIPEDE FOR THE FIRST HOUR AND 20 MINUTES??? I honestly do not know which was more difficult to sit through, the surgery (or lack thereof) or that piece of garbage that was the culmination of bad acting, writing, directing and everything else. There were a few times where the film showed signs of trying to be satirical and even self aware but it was so ridiculously dumb that by that point you just want to gouge your eyes out. I don't even know why i am still wasting my time talking about this when i just wasted an hour and 40 minutes of my life watching it. So here's the score and if you want to subject yourself to torture be my guest because i'm out. - 0.3/10

The standard for torture porn isn't exactly high but it isn't so low that you can substitute being a passable well made film with torturing the viewer with boredom, which this final installment does.

The first two at least had some kind of passable narrative and were decently shot and edited. This on the other hand can't get the basics right. The acting is god awful. Its worse than just being flat because the main character, governor Hughes, yells out every damn line he has. Even after this it still somehow has the problem of NOT BEING ABLE TO HEAR/UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY ARE SAYING. The audio is pretty poor. The dialogue at times is muffled by the soundtrack, which is pretty pathetic. How long is the film? 2hrs and 20 minutes! If you are going to make a piece of crap then at least make it 1hr and 30 max.

So what about the "plot"? Governor Hughes is shown the first two films first thing in the film. You would think that the main character, Hughes, a over the top Texan loudmouth psychopath who abuses his prisoners, would get the idea that he has been shown the film because his accountant wants to do it for real. Nope. Instead we have a long drawn out tour of the prison. There is though a decent message to the film about the state of prison abuse and the contempt of the Americans to actually care. Sadly it beats you over the head with it in the final 20 minutes of the film.

As for the gore there are two decent scenes. There is a waterboarding with boiling water and a mutilation. I would not watch the film just to see those scenes simply because it is surrounded by 2 hrs of yelling and boredom.

Human Centipede is a sad, and surprisingly tame and boring, end to the series.

The first Human Centipede movie had a certain novelty factor about it. It was meant to shock and it succeeded, thus making it somewhat watchable.

The second was a disgusting mess with no redeeming features and would likely be in my bottom 100 movies ever made.

This, is an odd creature.

So the antagonists from both previous movies return, but they both play different characters! In the second movie the first movie was made out to be exactly that, just a movie. In this one both the first and second are supposed to have been movies.

Still with me?

Adding an element of humor this third part is undeniably memorable but not for the right reasons. It aims to shock once again and pulls out all the stops in doing so.

Credit where credit is due, the lead takes the character and makes it his own and saves the film (To an extent). The Human Centipede III is disgusting, and there is barely a story but it has moments that are very hard to get off your mind so it at least succeeds there.

Not for the faint.

The Good:

Dieter Laser certainly makes for an interesting character with Billy Boss

The Bad:

Shock for the sake of shock

No real storyline

I was genuinely expecting more of the same. A horrific and disturbing body modification style horror but I actually found myself becoming bored with the incessant and insipid screaming of Dieter Laser and the profoundly bad acting of Laurence Harvey.

The First two movies were polemical and somewhat uncomfortable to watch. They were disturbing and, in many ways, were unique.

This final installment was just annoying to watch. It did not shock and the actual, 'centipede' part didn't even happen until very late in the movie.

This movie was a massive let down and the radical departure from the stylistic form of the first two movies ruined it in my eyes.

Let us hope this really is the last sequence.