- Adam Murphy: How does one rate a non-alcoholic beer that manages to match the flavour of urine with the feeling of wasted life?
- Adam Murphy: [in the presentation] In a way, we're all carrying a little kitty weight, aren't we?
- Roger Whitacre: [to Adam in his office] In a way, we're all carrying a little kitty weight, aren't we?
- Adam Murphy: I've contacted a sexual disease that I may or may not have passed on to thirteen different women and a mermaid.
- Liv Ericksson: Wait, what did you say?
- Adam Murphy: Nothing. I am having a good time right now.
- Liv Ericksson: Me too.
- Liv Ericksson: Can we please put a dent in these depositions today; and for the rest of the world, put on some panties.
- Dr. Fishbaum: Trust me Adam, I've gotten a rare view of you lately.
- Adam Murphy: You mean my scrotum?
- Dr. Fishbaum: I mean your soul.
- Nan: I want to write erotic french graphic novels for girls, strictly softcore, it's really quite feminist.
- Adam Murphy: I don't think you're using that word correctly.
- Nan: We teach young girls how to masturbate properly. Pleasure themselves for a change and they are less likely to go out there and get suckered into possibly maybe contracting VD from winners like you. Boom, feminism!
- Adam Murphy: And if you think the crazy is over, well let me tell you something, I'm just getting warmed up.
- Adam Murphy: I really like you and I think we should take it slow, 'cause we're two people who don't need to just jump into things and it's okay for people to get to know each other before... you know... doin' it.
- [referring to gonorrhea]
- Adam Murphy: 'cause the alternative is... a lot more painful than its worth.
- Liv Ericksson: *Come on*, get a new trick. You're like the whitest asian man in the history of the world.
- Liv Ericksson: Roger.
- Roger Whitacre: Liv.
- Liv Ericksson: What's next?
- Roger Whitacre: I guess, anal.
- Liv Ericksson: [whispers to herself] No.
- [to Roger]
- Liv Ericksson: What's next in life?
- Adam Murphy: But if it is crazy, you're in luck. Because crazy... is exactly what I do.
- Genevieve: You talking about... anal?
- Adam Murphy: You're legs from legal aid.
- Liv Ericksson: [after a long pause] I thought you'd come up with a thing funnier than that.
- Adam Murphy: [in the beginning of the movie] Hey Frank, you should clean your yard. It's starting to look like shit.
- Frank Purdy: [in the end of the movie] Why don't you clean up your yard, Adam? It's starting to look like shit.
- [Last lines]
- Liv Ericksson: I'm terrified.
- Adam Murphy: So am I. But I paid extra to have the balls disinfected.
- [They jump]
- [First lines]
- Adam Murphy: [narrating] You probably don't wanna hear this. Nobody does. But *gonorrhea* might have been the best thing that ever happened to me.