Se Eu Tivesse Pernas, Eu Te Chutaria

I need to start a list of all the films that have cemented the fact I will never have children. 'If I Had Legs I'd Kick You' would go somewhere near the top. This movie was nightmare fuel.

This is one of those rare movies where there's no real plot or story, and yet you're still captivated by every moment. You need to know what will happen next. And it feels like anything could happen next, which is great feeling.

The final sequence was an interesting one and something I had to do some reading about to fully get my head around. I liked it but it wasn't quite the knockout blow I was hoping the movie would end with.

This is exactly the kind of movie where a Q&A with the director afterwards at Fantastic Fest would be a treat. To get their first hand interpretations on what certain things meant would be priceless.

Overall though I really enjoyed 'If I Had Legs I'd Kick You'. It was unique and it gives you a lot to think about. Throw in some great performances and you have a pretty engrossing couple of hours. 7/10.

"If I Had Legs I'd Kick You" hits brutally hard if you grow up in a dysfunctional family, live with a silent chronic illness, or know the desperation of needing help that simply never arrives.

You keep moving through life with a weight that grinds you down piece by piece-slowly and in a degrading, invisible way.

It lives inside you, eating you alive, yet you're still expected to be the strong one for everyone else: listening, supporting, holding them together while you feel hollowed out, with anxiety as your only loyal companion.

It's a condition almost impossible to grasp unless you've lived it for a prolonged time, and "If I Had Legs I'd Kick You" captures it-right from its brilliantly subtle title-with astonishing accuracy.

It transforms the everyday workings of a collapsing mind into something both magnificently rendered and deeply unsettling, precisely because it feels so real.

Director Mary Bronstein, through an exceptional, skin-stripping performance from Rose Byrne as Linda, takes us on one of the most extreme and agonising cinematic journeys of the year.

The official plot tells us Linda is juggling her daughter's mysterious illness, an absent husband, a missing person, and a therapist who grows increasingly hostile.

But that description reduces something far more complex-and, honestly, difficult for me to summarise. These plot points aren't the story; they're pressure points, mirrors an internal psychological collapse that feels both intimate and volcanic.

The film hit me in a way very few do, it dredged up every burden I'm currently dragging behind me.

It resonated so deeply I found myself wishing someone were there to understand it with me, to hold my hand through it.

Its deliberate emotional architecture left me feeling its stress, exhaustion, empathy fatigue, and the kind of claustrophobic panic you simply can't ignore.

Bronstein leans heavily on stark, wordless close-ups that make even the smallest daily task feel crushing. The sound design turns Linda's anxiety into something almost physical-an unseen creature pacing just behind her.

Life isn't a fairytale. We're expected to keep functioning, keep producing, keep smiling, and never fail-but that relentlessness fractures the mind. Sanity becomes something you defend with tooth and nail.

Showing up at work, pretending everything is fine, performing normality: these become barricades you're desperate to vault over.

And you do eventually break, because this world isn't gentle-and even kindness is often misread as a threat. Take the motel neighbour James (A$AP Rocky), whose well-meaning attempts to connect only intensify Linda's unraveling.

Linda's environment reflects the stigma around mental illness-the inadequacy of institutions, the exhaustion of those meant to help-embodied perfectly by her unnamed therapist (a brilliant Conan O'Brien), whose detachment borders on cruel.

"If I Had Legs I'd Kick You" is a draining experience. I absolutely recommend it, but as someone who lives with many of the symptoms and emotional states depicted, I'd urge viewers to approach with care.

This film is an emotional rollercoaster-and it doesn't offer safety bars.

A24 returns to the territory it masters with remarkable skill-the intimate, atmospheric, and emotionally potent cinema that first made me fall in love with the studio. And it does so with a captivating proposal.

The story is immersive, contemplative, and intense. The carefully crafted script manages to weave together everyday aspects of life, such as motherhood, work responsibilities, and family dynamics, without losing coherence. Mary Bronstein demonstrates a prodigious touch in directing, seamlessly connecting seemingly unrelated elements through parallels, metaphors, and dialogue.

Rose Byrne is the central pillar of the performance, carrying the full dramatic weight of the film. Her presence sustains the work almost entirely, delivering an emotional intensity rarely seen on screen. A performance worthy of recognition and any possible nomination.

The visual aspect naturally stands out. The cinematography, with its meticulous use of color and narrative style, reinforces the story and enhances the psychological depth, delivering introspective and emotional precision.

'If I Had Legs I'd Kick You' is exhausting and gripping. Without a doubt, it's an experience no cinephile should miss.

I kid you not when I say this is a psychological horror film. No, seriously.. it is. I don't think many films capture the flip side of motherhood with intricate detail, but Mary Bronstein's second directorial effort definitely does. It's everything that could possibly go wrong when you're a working mother with a husband who works at sea (..means being away for a reasonable amount of time). To make matters worse, the aforementioned "working mother" is a therapist (..I will NEVER understand how therapists lead normal lives.. well, what is NORMAL anymore, anyway?). She has to deal with clingy patients, an occasionally stiff supervisor (who she takes therapy from), a sick child (her own), a missing mother (her patient), a large hole in her house, an annoying parking manager, etctera.. the list is overbearing, and unbelievable I might add.

Rose Byrne plays the protagonist Linda -- I don't have words. It's a knockout performance no doubt, and one that's going to fetch plenty of accolades. You know, the film is set in Montauk (a little beach time) and I'm someone who's fond of the beach milieu in storytelling. But goodness me, I wasn't prepared for what the beach would bring in this movie. It even ends with the noise of the high tide -- something I usually find calming (amidst the chaos of life), but after what I bore witness to for 1h 50m, I just couldn't listen to it anymore. It didn't give me PEACE.. it gave me a PUNCH in the GUT. Wow, what a time to be alive.. and to be a PARENT.

There are some really good supporting acts here too. Check out the cast for some (likely and) unlikely names. Mary Bronstein's film also adds a bit of magical realism, and it also cleverly keeps Linda's daughter's face out of focus even when she's a constant presence. One can also sense some allegorical perspectives, what with the mom who abandons her baby, almost immediately reflective of Linda's own dismantling inner psyche. Her mind's turbulent like the ocean outdoors, she's often labeled an incompetent mother (which all mothers obviously would hate), and there's no semblance of a pause in her life. That's what felt the most AFFECTING. There are writing issues, but Byrne killed it.. absolutely killed it.

Make no mistake, Rose Byrne puts on a show. Other than that, spend 2 hours elsewhere. The themes of motherhood and anxiety on full display, without lacking any substantial plot or moments of comedic relief certainly not a dark comedy by any stretch of the imagination Completely and utterly fell short.