Strippers vs Werewolves

I have just donated my time to something... A movie well I don't know that you could call it that... It was more like a 9 year old's fantasy. Not funny at all just embarrassing. I can't not put the word film in with the movie. I am sure the actors did their stuff well. I can't think of anyone who would have come out of this movie with any credibility. Dusk till Dawn its not. Buy some paint and watch it dry it's much, much more entertaining. The script is lame. There could have been some mileage in this piece. Maybe it ran out of budget. even the effects, bits of limbs, blood gore are like some one made them in school art class. They were neither realistic or silly enough to be funny. I am sure someone had fun when they made it. Its just the audience won't.

A very British, ultra low budget film with a sprinkling of famous faces - albeit most are from UK soap operas. Directed by Jonathan Glendening and written by Pat Higgins and Phillip Baron, this 2012 film is rated 15 and has a runtime of 93 minutes. It is rated as Action, Comedy and Crime but also borders on supernatural horror too.

The plot is simple but conceivable, in a weird kind of way anyway; a stripper accidently kills a werewolf with a silver fountain pen. His friends, the rest of the pack, want their revenge. It is up to colleagues, friends, and clientele of the stripper to fight off the bloodthirsty werewolves.

I am not going to mess around and try and jazz this film up, I knew what I was getting myself into with this film, and the title of the film also set my expectations too, but this film, well - it was just bad. I usually like bad b-movies, but even by that standard this is really really bad. The acting is terrible; the script and dialogue is cringy; the make-up, effects and prosthetics are cheap; the soundtrack was awful; it wasn't funny (and it was supposed to be); the pacing was terrible... wait, I've used that descriptive word before... let's go with the pace was on par with a bumpy, pot hole covered road that was only partially built and required detours for no reason. What I am ultimately getting at, in case it was not obvious, is that this is a poor film.

With how bad the film was I was surprised at some of the faces that are in it, some from UK soap opera, some from the world of film. Ali Bastian, Adele Silva, Martin Compston, and Billy Murray all have experience in various soap operas. Martin Kemp, Alan Ford, Steven Berkoff, Lysette Anthony, and Robert Englund all have big film experience. With a cast this rich I was really expecting to see something a lot better than I got to experience. This felt like a cheap rip-off of 2008's "Zombie Strippers", which is pity because Britain is usually a strong player in the comedy-horror market with some really great tongue in cheek blood splatter films. This, unfortunately, had very few redeeming qualities and I can see this being quickly forgotten by audiences and probably the cast themselves too. I am not basing my review on a single viewing; I watched this in 2012 when it came out, and I have re-watched it in 2020 when I wrote this review. The film stunk almost ten years ago, and its fragrance has not improved since then.

I am a big fan of independent cinema and bought this film straight away. I was impressed by similar style films such as the Robert Englund staring Zombie Strippers but this film lacks in every way. The scene at the start of the film showing a night club has some of the worst cgi lighting effects ever put on film. The cinematography is appalling the film looks like it was shot on camcorders in a drama room of a college. In the modern day and age of dslr cameras and colour treating software this is inexcusable. The editing makes the established actors look like they are reading from scripts. The named stars of the film are in it for a few Min's probably collecting a pay cheque whilst attending a film convention. The makeup effects are cheap looking. The girl who is in shock at the killing of Martin Kemps character possibly gives the worst performance ever recorded in film. The pacing of the film is all over the place. it drags and attempts to be funny but fails miserably. So what is good about the film? The opening credits. they look great. If you want to see how a good British film in the same style is done watch Doghouse or Severance or even Lesbian Vampire Killers. Black and Blue films could be the saviour of British horror but if the upcoming films are as bad as this they will become Britain's answer to Full Moon.

I won't beat around the bush. The acting is horrible, the script risible, the makeup and prosthetics are dire and probably the least said about the plot the better. With the number of ex-soap actors in it, perhaps it's not surprising that the film seems to derive much of it's inspiration and ethos from Crossroads and El Dorado. Put simply, it's bad. I guessed that from the title. What surprised me is that it manages to cross that line from 'bad' to 'so bad it's good'. I'll admit I didn't know it was supposed to be a comedy when I watched it and I wouldn't have guessed they were trying to be intentionally funny, but looking on it as a (bad) horror - it was hilarious. I nearly gave it an 8.

This movie stinks on so many levels that you will be aghast at how it got made...

First the plot is so childish that I thought I was watching an episode of those creepy Chuckle Brothers with boobs and arse thrown in for good measure...

Next was the acting, considering that these actors were not complete amateurs and some have played some really good roles in both TV and film it was pitiful to see them floundering around in this film like kids in a school play with all the lack of context and amateurish line delivery of an 8 year old...

One of the things that makes good comedy is getting the timing right, one of the things about great comedy is getting the timing perfect, this film managed to deliver its gags (if you can call such ridiculous schoolboy humour gags) without any timing at all and the gags were too childish to be funny to adults and too filled with sexual meaning for kids to get them so I wonder who the target audience was supposed to be?

The effects were ridiculous, the script was ridiculous, the acting was well below par for those who took part, the direction was the only joke in this film (Except the joke at the paying audiences expense), the split screen cinematography was just bloody annoying and as for the trendy comic book images flashed up in place of action well the less said about that the better...

All in all this film failed both as a comedy, it certainly failed as a horror, in fact the only thing it succeeded in was as a documentary on how not to make a film...