The Taint

When you're writing about an independent, low-budget movie, it's important to keep things in perspective and lower expectations. Remember that unknown filmmakers can certainly make good, even great films, but that them majority of these efforts will be highly flawed by definition. Bearing that in mind, there is essentially nothing to recommend about The Taint, a purported horror movie with an incoherent plot, rigid acting, and (sadly) despicable gore that looks like it was shot on a Fisher-Price My First Movie Camera.

Even mainstream horror movies can be pretty simplistic in terms of story. People go into dark, isolated place and become terrorized by one or more deranged persons, masked or not. The key creativity in the most basic horror movies is in the various ways that characters meet their demise. Set the movie in a slaughterhouse, or maybe just a grocery store, then use the environment's objects to cause mayhem. But in The Taint, even this simplicity is completely derailed, with a storyline that is at times incomprehensible. And the worst part is that it just didn't need to be so.

The title refers to tainted water. Somehow (it's explained in the film) the water supply has been tainted so that the males who drink it become homicidal maniacs – but only toward women. Okay. It's plausible. Nothing wrong with the premise, but it's about the only not-wrong thing in the movie. Anyway, women are killed in various disgusting, gruesome ways, and I don't mean the typical Hollywood-overkill methods, either; these kills are so over the top that the guy behind Hostel thought it was too much. (Note: not really.) Heads are splattered with rocks and other objects or shotgunned, splitting the skull in twain.

Now, like I said, perspective is everything. It would be terribly unfair to compare this movie with full-fledged studio pictures. You have a fairly inexperienced cast with a fairly low budget. Directors Drew Bolduc and Dan Nelson did do a lot with a little; the trouble is that they also did a little with a little. That is, the special effects aren't bad, and neither are the kick-ass soundtrack or the inventive opening credits. But perhaps they spent all their money on those areas and just plain didn't bother with such niceties as plot, character development, and so on. Oh, and acting lessons.

I suppose if you must see one people-driven-crazy-by-water movie, and The Crazies isn't available, you could give this a try. But be warned. It's visceral experience. There's hardly a bodily fluid spared. There's nudity, and it's never the good kind. In fact, there are more penises in this movie than any porno version of Rent could come up with. No, it's not a sex film. And somehow that makes it worse.

The Taint is never a pleasant movie to watch. There isn't really anyone to root for; the main character (Bolduc) is a guy, not a girl. And he just walks around looking puzzled most of the time. The death scenes lose their novelty quickly, mostly because they lack context. There's no setup, just killing and lots of it. It's almost a domesticated version of Cannibal Apocalypse, and if you recognize that title, this might be your movie. But overall, the movie is unintentionally funny more often than scary – much more often, in fact; it's almost as if the filmmakers forgot that even the goriest movies have to have something behind the bloody mayhem to really sell the scares. You need believable characters, even if they do wind up slaughtered. Give the audience a reason to care that these people are being killed – otherwise, they're nothing more than fodder. You may as well use cardboard standees. You also need suspense, and there just isn't any in The Taint. There's just shock for the pure sake of shock, and even that wears thin pretty quickly.

Again, it's a low-budget movie filmed guerrilla style. It could be a cult hit, but maybe only after a hundred years or more have passed and some film scholar "discovers" it; then they'll have midnight mind showings (you know, direct projection into the brain – are you listening, Netflix?) and build a phenomenon. "Look at the movies people were making in the 2000s!" they'll say. "Boy, how silly!" Only they'd use updated slang.

The Taint is a current version of Manos: Hands of Fate or even Eegah!, two movies now known for just being terrible efforts but that have enjoyed some sort of recognition for their own ineptitude. So at least it has that potential.

"The Taint" is a textbook example of an amateur horror movie made by a bunch of over-enthusiast film fanatics that spent way too much time watching 80's junk in their basements. These are the people who watched stuff like "The Dead Next Door", "Street Trash" and maybe even Peter Jackson's "Bad Taste" over and over again whilst promising each other they would make their own movie like that one day. Basically I don't have anything against this type of Z-grade cinema, but I reckon it's a lot more fun to be part of making the film than to actually watch it. "The Taint" is an unbelievably gross, disgusting and offensive bunch of nonsense. Think about Troma's most notorious titles, but multiply the nausea by ten. Writer/director/lead actor Drew Bolduc obviously suffers from an unhealthy obsession for the male reproductive organ. There's an immeasurable amount of fake penises in this film, mostly just hanging out of people's pants or squirting thick white goo into other people's faces. For you see, the water supply is contaminated and turns all the men into zombie-like misogynist monsters with only one remaining purpose in life: smash in the head of every woman that crosses their path. The taint was initially a miracle potion developed by two nerdy scientists who wanted to enlarge their own penis, but a few things went wrong. One of the last remaining uninfected males is high-school stoner Phil O'Ginny, but he needs the help of dominant battle-ax Misandra to survive. Drew Bolduc and his buddies tried really hard to put as many provocative themes into their film. There's scat, teenage abortion with a coat hanger, gang rape, Nazi propaganda and various other filth. The images are never shocking, though, since the whole thing is just too ludicrous. Unfortunately the vast majority of the film is dull and stupid, especially since all characters (even the most insignificant supportive ones) insist on telling their boring life stories during idiotic and irrelevant flashbacks. Strangely – and surprisingly - enough, "The Taint" isn't all too awful from a more technical point of view. With this type of amateur junk, I expect to see dodgy hand-held camera-work and lousy hyperactive editing, but this one is relatively well-made and decent. The acting performances are horrendous, but that's obligatory and part of the charm. The gore and splatter effects, on the other hand, are quite stupendous! I presume 99% of the non- existent budget went straight to fake blood and make-up. With all the computer engineered crap nowadays, the grossness in "The Taint" was more than praiseworthy. Avid fans of trash and schlock will have a great time tracking down this sick puppy. Personally, I thought it was okay, but it could have used less idiocy and a lot less penises.

For those that are not a fan of the genre, this film is unlikely to revive your enthusiasm for the topic, however, fans are in for a treat. Its highly underatted. First and foremost it is a comedy for the not so easily offended. Im personally a big fan of Troma and found this number injected some fresh blood into the teams filmography. Theres definately some clear movie influences like homage to Bad Taste, but it carves its own atmosphere with terrific sets, characters and effects for a low budget. Its very funny, I imagine its the extreme violence and graphic nudity which put alot of viewers off.

I wanted to see this one for a while, just for the sake of the gore since i read it was gory. I didn't expect anything more then just trash and gore, i must say that it's one of the more creative low budget movies i have seen. And that's coming from a guy who had his fair share of B trash goodness, i was suprised. They kept coming up with the most rediculous amounts of semen... cough cough i meant absurdity. Just try to think of it as when you blend Peter Jackson's Bad Taste and John Waters Pink Flamingo's together, and the monstrosity that would be spawned. I had a good time watching The Taint, i was amused by the cheap effects, the Oscar worthy acting, the wigs??? and then i figured out it's a Troma production. Which makes it all even better. Drew Bolduc and Dan Nelson, you guys made a true trash-o-rama masterpiece. I loved it.

Some friends in the UK told me to have a view on this for me unknown flick. I hadn't seen any reviews of it so I just pulled me in unknown territory. Straight from the director's office it was send towards Europe. The only thing I knew was that the effects used for a low budget were excellent as I heard from my UK friends. Well, was I glad that I just watched another weird flick, be honest, if you take it seriously then you will hate it for sure. It's a combination of horror and comedy but it has a really weird twist. When the movie starts the first thing you see are two pair of breasts, in close up, naked. What they are doing there is for me still an enigma but after that shot you're in a hell of a ride in the gory world of the director. But as a low budget, the effects used really works, the score used works out too, you can buy it separatly if you want. Even the editing was nice to see. The only point I wasn't happy with is when one of the figures is telling about how he became what he is it takes a bit too long, especially the laboratory. Luckily after wards it's back to the gory effects. As I said in the beginning, it isn't a flick for everyone but if you for example loved 'die you zombie bastard' then you will love this one too. It's the weirdness that makes you laugh, and for the freaks out there, yes, there is nudity. Sometimes there is a bit of a gay attitude surrounding this flick but I wasn't offended with it, I had a big smile on my face, just see what they did with the working out in a sleeping room, go figure that out. Really, I recommend this to the splatter freaks, just sit down and watch it with a bunch of friends, it only takes a bit more of an hour to sit it through. You wont regret it, yelling a lot of oooo's and aaa's and WTF!.