Don't Go in the Woods

Disastrous.

I only watched this because I was interested to watch what D'Onofrio could come up with.

I wish I hadn't.

Its a horrible movie.

Oh where to begin, where to begin. Let's start easy with the premise of this movie and how stupid it is. So, it is kind of a known tradition by most music fans that many of bands in the past have shuffled off to some remote place to write and record an album. Just like some authors do it too. They do it to get away from any and all distractions and to allow their artistic and creative juices to flow. These morons however choose to go on a camping trip to do this. Yep, a band goes into the woods to write music, with no shelter from the elements for their instruments and you guessed it, no electricity to power their instruments! All to try to score a record deal. So, they only bring acoustic guitars, except the blind bass player, yep, you read right and I'll even say it again, blind bass player, he brings his actual electric bass. Have fun playing that in the woods with no electricity or amp. Amazingly though, when he plays his bass sounds like it's being played through an Amp. It must be one of those magic fairy dust woodland amps that are invisible and don't require electricity. The drummer brings simply a snare and some bongos and well the keyboardist lucked out that his instrument can work on batteries. Yep they're gonna make great songs that will totally land them a record deal, please.

So now the campsite is set up and they start cranking out tunes, yep this movie straight turns into an episode of Glee, and you thought you were watching a horror movie. Jokes on you if you actually watch this movie.

These guys all look like hippy Beattie rejects and the blind bass player resembles the looney tunes buzzard. Google it if you're too young to know who that is. Did I mention the songs were terrible? So Mr head honcho, singer... even though they all sing? Anyway won't let them do drugs or drink or have phones, nothing. How are these guys expecting to let their creative juices flow without stimulants? Yeah, they think they're that good, rolls eyes.

Night one some of the guys gfs and some groupies apparently stalked them and crash their little song writing get away. Gotta have chick's in a "horror" movie right? Oh and guess what? Just like in an episode of glee, the girls can sing and play and song write too! Oh boy!

So Mr Madonna singer is super mad and is treating his gf like dirt, the rest of the guys are happy to see girls and booze like real Rockstars would be in, well any situation. Next morning Madonna wakes everyone up bright and early to run the girls off so they can focus on writing their Mr Hollands Opus masterpieces. This is as far as I've honestly gotten, that's how annoyed I was with this stupid movie, I paused it to write this review. Not to mention I've FF through a 1/4 of it just to avoid listening to the stupid songs, cause yeah they all suck and sound the same. What do you expect when you restrict yourself to only instruments that can be played without electricity cause you thought it was a good idea to write and record, oh yeah, we all know how songs sound the absolute best on little pocket tape recorders right? Moving on, write and record music in the woods.

I'll come back and update after I make it to the end of this steaming pile of doody, assuming I can. Never have I wanted every character to die so badly in a "horror" movie, if you can even call this that.

Update time: So it got worse and the killer cant kill these tools fast enough. They managed to get so many more songs out OMG. There might be one teeny tiny saving grace, no no I changed my mind. If you do decide to watch this, pay attention to the ridiculously goofy and dumb faces the singer makes when singing oh it's too much lol. Just terrible God awful movie, avoid at all costs.

A slasher musical?

I'll give props to Vincent D'Onofrio the actor who debts as a director on this film. On the bonus features he mentions how while he was waiting for a geen light on another film, he had a film crew and a backyard and some of his nephew's friends to help him put it together in less than a mouth. For that the movie is cool.

But I'm not a fan of the musical in general and it did not help that the music being played sucks in my book. The movie is about a band of hipsters from Brooklyn going into the woods (even though a sign clearly states don't do it)to write songs for the next album, only to be hunted down by the dude I would not be surprised put up the sign in the first place.

The movie starts off funny as the Hipsters literally fall into all the horror clichés (starting with going into the woods), but then I had to sit in on a second act filled with music that was just to whining for me. One song after another and I wanted to shoot myself. But then...then, the slasher comes out. Possibly just as sick of the music as I am, he puts the kibosh on their little camp out.

It's hard for me to say weather the movie is good or not. I enjoyed it. I don't know if D'Onofrio purposely laid out the movie to be so annoying that you cheer the slasher when he starts chopping up these hipsters. I would love to think so.

Realistically, the making off the movie is more impressive than the movie itself.

Don't Go in the Woods (2010)

BOMB (out of 4)

Vincent D'Onofrio makes his feature directing debut with this horror film, which is one of the most original in recent years but it's also one of the worst. A band goes into the woods to try and come up with some new songs and before long their girlfriends show up as well. Soon afterwards (in their time, not the viewers) a psycho shows up with a sledge hammer and begins to kill them. This is not a remake of the same titled 1981 slasher but it's too bad it isn't because this film is simply awful. I love watching horror movies and I love watching bad movies but every once in a while I come across a film that just makes me downright angry and this is one of them. The entire movie is simply a waste of time and I'd really love to hear from D'Onofrio on what he was trying to do. Minus the end credits this thing runs 82-minutes and the deaths scenes really don't start until the 65-minute mark. So, what's going on at the start of the film? Band practice. For well over a hour we do nothing but listen to this band sing one song after another. Yes, they're bad songs. Yes, they're annoying songs. Yes they keep coming again and again and again. Is this original? It sure is but who wants something like this? Did the director really think horror fans were going to sit through this music and be entertained? Did he really think having all the violence take place in a ten-minute period would make up for it? This is just a flat out confusing movie because while it's technically well made and most of the performances are good, there's just no point in watching it. The twist at the end doesn't work and isn't nearly as clever as everyone thought it was. I'm guessing that someone came up with this ending and then tried to build a film around it but the result is one of the worst movies in recent years. Technically speaking this movie is better than a lot of the genre films out there now but that doesn't add any entertainment. DON'T GO IN THE WOODS needs to be shot and then taken to the woods and left.

Several hipster doofus emo guys are in a band and decide to go into the woods and like work on some new music dude. We know they are cool because they have a blind guy and a Asian guy in the band. They are edgy too though because they refuse to be trendy which we see due to the lack of a black guy. Some chicks show up but don't get naked which doesn't lose too many points because none of them are close to hot anyway. After way too much bad singing a killer finally shows up and the boredom is elevated to slightly less boredom.

This movie is horrible. I mean really really bad. It fails on every level. The cast consists of a lot of unattractive young adult emo wanna be musicians who I assume are family or friends or lovers of the director Vincent D'Onofrio. They sing painfully bad songs and they all seem to be trying to imitate Violent Femmes lead singer Gordon Gano. He has a cool angst ridden voice they all just sound screechy and whiny.

It's the type of ridiculous movie that makes you embarrassed for those involved and also makes your eyes hurt. Why do they hurt? Because you are rolling them so often. Mainly at the moronic songs but also at the acting, the barely existence plot, and the lack of suspense or horror.

This is so amateurish in every way you wonder why VD didn't just shelve this pile of crap. It makes me think my sarcastic comment about the cast being VD's lovers is spot on because why would he want to destroy a friend or family members career by having anyone see this stinker? My fond memories of some of D'Onofrio's films and the fact some of the God awful morons finally do get butchered made me give up another pity star for a grand total of 2.

D'Onofrio shouldn't consider quiting his acting gig anytime soon. The cast should resign themselves to be waiters who play around town or go back to school and try to learn a trade.