Blonde

There's a moment in the opening wildfire scene where Norma Jean's mother expels a sigh that's equal parts anger and exasperation. Who knew that sigh would become my mantra for the rest of this travesty's runtime? "Blonde" is a cinematic snuff film: sadistic and exploitative in how it revels in Marilyn Monroe's pain. The way director Andrew Dominik indulges in her misery is nauseating.

Jumping from one traumatic fever dream to the next, this joyless film reduces a cultural icon into a punching bag for the parade of leeches, con-men, charlatans, abusers, and vultures in her life, culminating with "Blonde's" director himself. Everyone's queued up to extract their pound of flesh from Marilyn Monroe's legacy in this sick sideshow, both in-camera and behind it.

I've never hate-Googled a DP until now, but holy cow: Chayse Irvin's cinematography is self-indulgent, pompous trend-chasing with zero rhyme or reason. It's three hours of "herp derp I bet this will look dope."

Arbitrary transitions from color to black-and-white; aspect ratio swaps for no cohesive or thematic reason; and "trendy" camera set-ups (I audibly scoffed at the random chest GoPro angle for Bobby Cannavale in one scene) are but a small taste of the incoherent parlor tricks thrown your way over the course of Blonde's nearly three hours.

As if there aren't enough sins to go around, the sloppy, unbalanced sound design comes in as if to say, "hold my beer." There's jarring jumps in volume when Norma Jean's mom screams at her, or when certain sound effects or score elements come in and out. It almost feels like they thought the project was a horror movie that needed jump scares baked in. We must also reserve a special lashing for whoever thought FETUS VOICEOVER would be a worthwhile element to add to this turd-pile of a movie.

I love Ana de Armas' work but whoever signed off on her American accent needs to be drawn and quartered. It vacillates between, "okay fine" to "big yikes." Every time Ana utters "Daddy" was NAILS ON A CHALKBOARD.

The choice to luxuriate in Marilyn Monroe's misery as opposed to condemning the parties who precipitated it is telling. There is a brief moment halfway through where you think Marilyn has finally realized her worth and is ready to speak up for herself as deserving of respect as the freaking reason people come to see her movies, but it putters out as a blip in the grand scheme of the tragedy porn this film prefers to live in.

My biggest regret is viewing this film as part of an in-theater early screening. If I had been watching on Netflix, I could have just ended my misery without much fuss.

As someone that knows nothing about Marilyn Monroe, I was excited to watch.

I ended up turning it off about 40 mins in. I knew this couldn't be real bc it was so trashy and dark.

I see now this is a fictional awfully made up story. They made Marilyn seem like trash. I can't imagine anything I watched being true.

I couldn't stomach watching another minute so I turned it off. 40 mins of my life I will never get back! I don't know if this was ever in the theater, but I'm happy I didn't pay money to see this.

Blonde could have been a really good movie if they didn't try and make it into a 2022 Hollywood flop.

If you're going to fictionalize the life of one of the movie icons of the 20th century why go there, to the darkest dark. There are some "invented" moments that are, quite frankly, unforgivable. What kept me glued to the screen was Ana de Armas. A tremendous show of talent and fearlessness. I was wondering what the experience would have been to watch it in a theater with other people? I don't know because in the privacy of my own home I was free to stand up and walk away to pour myself a drink and shout at the screen. The awful Kennedy episode for instance. Why? That episode in particular made me question the intention of the filmmakers. So, yes, I can say now that I've seen it. Loved some it and detested some it.

"Blonde" is sadly reduced to the collective tragedies (and horrors) that the iconic actress went through in her short 36-year-old life. Don't get me wrong, Ana de Armas totally owns the role and gives it her all (God bless her cheekbones!). She also gets worthwhile support from the cinematography, production design, costume, and make-up departments. The biggest letdown is the script that heavily lacks connective tissue between what feels like various disjointed episodes in Monroe's life. Again, each of these episodes are stripped down to repetitive plot-points such as the absentee father, the abortions, the failed marriages, and most importantly, the male gaze.

Writer-director Andrew Dominik perceives Marilyn Monroe and Norma Jeane as two distinct personas, the former being a glowy, on-screen cover-up for the distressed latter. Again, because the film is only interested in showcasing the worst of her life, as viewers, we feel disconnected early on, especially given the film goes on for a butt-numbing 160 minutes. Also, I didn't particularly like the transition between black & white and color bang in the middle of certain scenes. What was the underlying point? The film basically leaves Armas to do most of the heavy lifting since the script only attempts to look at her as an object of desire.

Of course, there are more than a few controversial stretches in the film, and if that's barring a scene with a speaking foetus, then I'm probably dreaming it all up. This isn't what Norma would've wanted to be seen as her "legacy", and both entries Netflix has come up with thus far on Marilyn Monroe (yes, I'm looking at you The Mystery of Marilyn Monroe: The Unheard Tapes) are lacklustre.

In the 18th century Bedlam changed from a hospital and became a sideshow. People came to London and paid to watch the mentally ill.

In the 21st century Hollywood has reinvented this kind of horror show.

The makers of Blonde have made a vile, disgusting, unbalanced fiction about a real person who had a tragic childhood and dressed it up as a feminist lecture. It is amazing that anyone who suffered such an abusive early life could have reinvented herself and become a world wide star and icon. When she was "not well" instead of getting the medical help she needed Blonde was physically and mentally abused and fed alcohol and drugs so that she could continue to make money for the studios. Credit to star actors who turned down the role of Blonde having read the script.

BREAKING NEWS: Jan 2023 Blonde, has received the most nominations for this year's Razzies with eight nominations. It is up for worst picture and worst screenplay, while Andrew Dominik is up for worst director, and is named in the worst screen couple category. Blonde,is described by the Razzies as a film "movie-goers liked even less than critics did". Filter the reviews by 1 star ratings to see how true this is.