Kyonyû doragon: Onsen zonbi vs sutorippâ 5

Well didn't get what I expected from this almost literally shoe string of a budget flick. If you want to see some over the top violence with female nudity and zombies you might be disappointed a bit. I am not sure if the only version for the flick is the dubbed English version. This movie is one of those movies that is so bad it's bad. It just has random sketches one after another. But the dubbed English in this is actually quite amusing and just wouldn't stop making fun of itself. The dubbed dialogue is constant bashing on this flick but it works for the amusement. The people's mouth don't move at all most of the time but they keep talking. I am not sure if they did that for the humor but this has got to be the worst English dubbed movie. It's like they aren't even trying but the way they interact is still amusing. If you want to see girls with weapons killing zombies. You will probably better off playing "Onichambara" or "Lollipop Chainsaw". Watching this movie is like watching Japanese porn stars got access to a cheap prop and costume shop and very amateur CGI people got involved as well.

4/10

Perhaps the weirdest thing about the new Japanese movie Kyonyu Dragon AKA Big Tits Zombie is the absence of weirdness, at least when compared to the lunacy of (what I thought might be) its cinematic peers Vampire Girl Vs Frankenstein Girl and Tokyo Gore Police.

In fact if you were to ignore the English title and simply watch the film it is merely a wink-wink T & A tease with some amusing gore, over the top setpieces and yes a few WTF moments. Which I guess shows the genius behind the title in the first place, after all if this film was known solely as Kyonyu Dragon there would be a 1% chance of me actually tracking it down. Calling the film Big Tits Zombie meant that this film had been on my "to see" list for 6 months already.

Not that I was watching for much more than curiosity value mind you, I knew this was unlikely to be a classic and realize if you are seeking "more" (read porn) from a film that this was never likely to deliver – to back that statement up American Pie was more explicit than this film – but again with this title such a film simply must be seen at least once.

The plot is once again strangely linear for a Japanese splatter film – it actually makes sense! In saying that it is hardly the most intricate or original piece of work. Five strippers *cough* entertainers work for a seedy guy in a seedy building performing for seedy clients, though not many customers it must be said.

This means they have a lot of downtime to sit around and talk in their underpants and bras, pausing only occasionally to get on their hands and knees in front of the camera or to have a playful fight which results in the temporary removal of aforementioned bras.

The camera practically drools over the girls but it must be said that they never really do anything overtly provocative or erotic, their dancing is more clumsy and playful, and they never play up too much for the camera.

They are told by the boss that due to a lack of clientele they are out of a job, unless they decide to head down the street to work as more personal entertainers for a "Private Spa". After a brief discussion where the girls clearly state that they are not hookers they go there anyway and become companions for a – I have to say it – freaky looking dwarf gangster boss and his men.

So far nothing particularly zany or wacky has happened, but then the girls discover a door that leads through tunnels to the abandoned building across the road, a building that is supposedly haunted. It is here that the girls find cash, valuables… and the Book of the Dead.

So that's where I left it! Of course one of the girls reads a passage that awakens the dead, the girls are called on stage to perform and they are amazed to see that they will play to a packed house – of zombies.

BTZ is a merciful 73 minutes, when you don't have much to do or say after the title is known that's a good idea.

The makeup effects of the zombies is deliberately (well it must be) amateurish, the acting, dancing and action scenes all very much tongue in cheek and the CGI blood spurts and sparks that go along with the sword and chainsaw fights that ensue are cheap but perform the limited role that they are given.

Aside from the title the smartest thing that the film-makers do is costume the girls in tiny shorts and bras and have them wiggle about a bit – that and allowing the tall hot one and the short cute one to survive to the end of the film.

Not sure if there is anything left to report when reviewing a film called Big Tits Zombie, I'll leave by saying that it everything that you expect a film with that title to be – but also less than you might expect a film wit that title to be.

At an hour and change though it is an amusing little curio that reaches the meager goals it sets itself.

Final Rating – 6 / 10. An amusing little film behind a clever marketing ploy based solely upon the title. I understand a few of the leads are porn stars, if you watch the trailer and then google a couple of the cast you will probably get the same result in about an hour less…

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Five exotic dancers—busty slut Lena Jodo (AV star Sora Aoi), sexy redhead lolita goth Maria (Mari Sakurai), ex-jailbird Ginko (Risa Kasumi), immigrant Darna (Io Aikawa) and older stripper Nene (Tamayo)—discover a secret passageway that leads to a hidden room containing a library of rare occult books. When Maria reads a passage from The Book of the Dead, she unleashes a horde of zombies from The Well of Spirits, a portal to Hell.

There's a very memorable scene in Big Tits Zombie where stripper--turned-zombie Nene adopts the crab position and shoots flames out of her pulsating toothy snatch; the whole strippers versus zombies might have been done before in western efforts like Zombie Strippers and Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!, but they never showed us anything quite as demented as that!!!

Japan is, of course, renowned amongst fans of seriously insane horror for going places no-one else even thinks of, and Big Tits Zombie is no exception: it's a totally bonkers, low budget trash-fest dedicated to blood and big breasts. The acting is undeniably crap, the special effects atrocious (loads of CGI blood), and the story just plain daft, but when you're in the mood for an hour and a half of sheer mindless fun, this kind of nonsense can't be beat.

As well as the aforementioned fiery cooch, viewers also get to enjoy a zombie woman with a detachable head and tentacles extending from her stomach (supporting strings clearly visible), numerous badly made-up zombies (including zombie ninjas, a zombie geisha, table-tennis zombies, and a zombie schoolgirl), assorted chainsaw and samurai sword dismemberment, and a female sumo contest, watched over by an elderly dwarf and his lackeys, which sees the loser becoming a naked sushi bar (mind the grated wasabi—yeowch!).

Oh, and there's tits, of course—lots of lovely big tits!

Was I expecting too much from this film? Doubtful. All I really wanted was what the title promised. Big tits and zombies. There are some nice breasts on show, but they aren't that big, nor are they around for very long. This is the kind of cheap Japanese video film that is shot in a few days. The zombies are also not very impressive. Some just have grey faces, making all these zombies look like they died in a fire. Others have horrendous masks a child would be embarrassed to wear at Halloween. Some of the zombies don't even make sense, with one guy donning a skeleton mask, even though he only turned in the last few hours. The film is meant to be laughed at, certainly, but it needed more ridiculous fun to succeed, Successful parts included the running down of a resident, zombie sushi, and the main villain being particularly pleasing to the eye. Sometimes it's camp fun, like seeing the strings levitate a head, but when the film can't even meet quality standards regarding the tits or the zombies, then it's time to move on.

I remember hearing about this film's existence when it was released a couple of years back. The title is irresistible (I think the original title it was appearing under at festivals was just Big Tits Dragon, and the UK DVD is entitled Big Tits Zombies; I opted to list it under its literally translated Japanese title), but I kind of figured it would be a Snakes on a Plane scenario where the title was by far the most amusing thing about it. I was mostly correct, but it wasn't a total... um, bust, I guess. It's bad, probably even godawful, but it's so dumb and silly and cheap that it has a kind of charm. It kind of comes in a wave of Japanese splatter flicks that were popularized by movies such as Machine Girl and Tokyo Gore Police. This one has like no money behind it, though, so the special effects are all made with super-cheap CGI. Except for one bit where two of our stripper heroes get fake blood spattered all over their big tits, I think all the blood is CGI. The five hot actresses help make the film a lot more tolerable. Aoi Sola is the star. She's a pretty popular Japanese actress who, indeed, has some big tits. She's gorgeous and I actually have a couple of more films with her in it coming up (in fact, I rediscovered this movie because I had just ordered a different movie with her in it; she also stars in a film called A Man, a Woman and a Wall which is on Netflix Instant and which is frequently recommended to me by the site). Risa Kasumi (looking a bit like Eihi Shiina from Audition and Tokyo Gore Police) and Mari Sakurai (playing a goth chick who likes to cut her wrists, a weirdly common character in these sorts of films) play the other two major characters, with Tamayo and Io Aikawa rounding out our Strippers 5. There really isn't that much nudity in the film. The total amount of boob shots equals about one whole minute. It's pretty tame for a Japanese film - probably could have premiered on Japanese Nickelodeon if it weren't for it's most hilarious scene, which features a fire-belching demon vagina.