Nutcracker Massacre

Ah. Nutcracker Massacre. I haven't asked myself, aloud, ' what the hell are we watching ' before this. I don't know how long this is. I don't care about how long it is. Ideally, you won't either on the sole principle that you don't watch it.

Nonstop guy breathing into the mic, interspersed with the gentlest beatings I've ever seen, never have I witnessed someone so tentatively brutalize another human with a hammer, strangle someone with a garland, mutilate another's genitals so hard they bleed from their ears (?), all with a ginger touch.

The final showdown of gently wrestling on an astroturfed lawn with a cap gun and some plastic jewelry really cemented that I, in fact, was watching this with my own two eyes and that I, in fact, regret it. Merry Christmas and happy holidays, keep it happier by just not watching this.

Heading off to visit family, a woman's attempts at gift-giving with a special antique nutcracker to help reconnect with her family finds that the doll has come to life with the spirit of a killer inside causing it to start killing those around her causing her to find a way to stop its rampage.

This one was a pretty solid and enjoyable genre effort. One of the better elements present here involves the rather fun atmosphere that provides a setting for this one to evoke the holiday spirit. Due to the purpose of the visit at that time of year, the ornaments and decorations brought up here generate the kind of fine yuletide atmosphere where the warmth of the lights and the homey vibes of everything offers up quite a lot to like. To be around this kind of environment when it gets perverted is a fine touch here as the visual of the being going through this environment offers a fun festival feel. This perversion is brought about nicely through the sequences offering the stoic wooden being coming to life and stalking others. The idea of the doll bringing the conduit for the giant nutcracker to come to life and start stalking others around the property is a fine explanation while getting the chance to generate short ambush scenes where it appears out of nowhere to confront the disbelieving victim. That leads into the solid finale where its presence is known but still is able to run rampant on the family attacking them in the house which offers a series of fun scenes involving creative kills and a clever method to stop it. There are some issues with this one that hold it down. The main drawback is the rather confusing nature of the killer nutcracker coming to haunt the family, as the initial implication and setup look to be purposeful and intended. However, the later revelation here makes it come off as an accident with the mix-up and the reveal about the figure's history that not only stops the film cold but feels contradictory. The other issue here is the sluggish pace at the first half which focuses way too much on a lame family drama angle between the sisters that delves into a wholly underwhelming long-simmering jealousy angle that's quite cliched and undeserved, leaving it slow to start. These factors are what keep this one down overall.

Rated Unrated/R: Graphic Violence and Graphic Language.

Really wanted to like this one, as I love both the Nutcracker and hilarious horror comedies. But sadly this is not hilarious. Barely managed a smirk. I did like that the protagonist is named Clara, and her aunt is named Marie (the two versions of the lead character in the ballet, depending on whether you're watching the original or the French production). In between kills - there's one good one where an unfortunate young man finds out who really put the cracking in a nutcracker - the story is very dull, and the pacing is terrible. Not even worth putting on in the background while you deck the halls. It's lovely to see Patrick Bergin again, and he's aging nicely, but his character is relegated to just being the mysterious toymaker who drops exposition.

Nutcracker figures are right up there with clowns in terms of being creepy and off-putting, so the concept is ripe for genre treatment even without special variations like what we get here - the design and realization of which does look pretty good. This flick has that going for it, and a cast that generally seems capable and who give earnest performances; not to specifically discount others, but Beatrice Fletcher stands out most as protagonist Clara, and is duly charming. I'll even say that there are some swell ideas here in twisting a classic tale to horror ends. Unfortunately, beyond these factors, things start to break down. I don't doubt the sincerity of anyone involved, and to that end this surely can at least claim to stand taller than the majority of output from The Asylum or especially Uncork'd Entertainment. Between the writing and direction, however, 'Nutcracker massacre' simply doesn't cut it.

From the very start the tone and pacing are both readily described as "astonishingly soft" if not also "slothful." This pertains even to death scenes, and the acting is absolutely impacted in turn. If filmmaker Becca Hirani, or writers Jeff Miller or Joe Knetter, had intended the picture to be, if you will, "anti-horror," then this might make sense. Yet there is no humor by which this might succeed as a horror-comedy; there is no subtlety or nuance to the proceedings with which this might succeed as a more underhanded variety of genre piece (nevermind that the concept kind of throws that possibility out the window in the first place). The dialogue, scene writing, and characterizations are mostly empty and hapless, and almost inspire mocking laughter for how ill-considered they are. The narrative in and of itself is okay, but it feels cluttered and imbalanced: on the one hand toying with an early nineteenth century story, though this element is somewhat deemphasized; on the other hand, heavily driving at the premise of "murderous nutcracker doll," with all other facets further distinctly dragging things down. Even the basic orchestration of shots and scenes, and the cinematography, sometimes raise a quizzical eyebrow. Meanwhile, to the same extent that some cast members (not least Patrick Bergin) really do try to overcome the major deficiencies of writing and direction (with greatly varying degrees of success), some come off notably worse than others - sorry, Andy Dixon, better luck next time.

There were fine possibilities here, but the feature as it exists is bizarrely, woefully lax, lackluster, humdrum, gentle, restrained, muted, subdued - consult your nearest thesaurus for more adjectives. Some aspects are half decent, but the whole is inescapably weak and unconvincing. The root tale and subsequent screenplay direly needed to be revised and tightened to zero in on and boost the best ideas; the screenplay, and the direction, desperately needed a substantial infusion of vitality to allow any of these eighty-five minutes to have anything approaching the desired impact. I see the value that the film has to offer, and maybe more to the point, the value that it could have offered. As it presents, however, 'Nutcracker massacre' is just too meager to really count for anything, and it's hard to give a recommendation. I suppose if you're open to all the wide possibilities of cinema, and are super keen on the idea of 'The nutcracker' being warped as such then one may have fair reason to watch; otherwise, it's tough to conjure a reason. Check it out if you like, and I wish nothing but the best for all involved, but I think your time is best spent elsewhere.

Nutcracker Massacre is sort of half soap opera, and half the worst horror movie you've ever seen.

With the nutcracker being one of the stupidest villains to ever disgrace the screen.

The story revolves around a lead protaganess, who is dealing with her boyfriend having cheated on her with her best friend right before Christmas.

With some family drama spun in on top of this, the plot centers on a giant nutcracker that was given to her family as a gift for her first Christmas.

Apparently, this bizarre ornament was discovered by her aunt, and displayed at her home, which the young romance novelist is visiting for Christmas.

Hilariously, though, the people in the film treat him like he's an inanimate object, despite the fact that it is clearly a man in a nutcracker suit, that can't stop swaying around, because the actor playing him is unable to remain motionless, while standing in a stationary position.

Either way, he seems to want to act to protect the young woman...by murdering everyone who is even remotely associated with anyone who wrongs her in any way.

At least, that is my best guess...but I might be reading too much into it...as it's not inherently clear.

As this narrative doesn't exactly explain all the people he attacks and kills.

The whole thing is poorly written and constructed, with bad acting, terrible special effects, and a plot structure so ludicrous, it's almost flabbergasting.

But, oddly enough, it's actually engaging enough to sit through.

At one point the nutcracker inexplicably attacks the boyfriend of the main character's rival...cracking his nutsack off in the process.

And it's at this point that you realize the whole thing is laughingly bad.

The lead actress is the only one who manages to put on a competent performance...but even that is in relation to everyone else in the film, who are absolutely horrible.

Everything about it is so bad, that I was genuinely wondering how anyone involved in the process of making it, was able to do so with a straight face, and not just break out laughing.

Cause this can't be serious, can it?

The deeper you get into it, the more entertaining it becomes...simply because it is so ridiculously bad.

In the end, I want to say it's one of those so bad, it's good, kind of films.

But really, it's just bad.

2.5 out of 10.