Chamada Mortal

It might be scarier if anyone knew what an Old 37 was.

Think of the most convoluted, confusing and frankly, boring plot of the worst of the Saw series and you'll have yourself your own Old 37 including all the same Saw-gore and bad acting you can tolerate. Mercifully, it's not the same plot, but all of the outer edges are the same despite having such a dull blade to begin with.

I guess the main plot is SUPPOSED to be about two evil Tucker & Dales who use an ambulance to prey on innocent victim victims...of car crashes, but is turned into some not-so-teen drama straight outta I Know What You Did Last Summer. Actually, make that: it's more like the parody of that movie from within Scary Movie.

In truth, there are about 28 flashbacks making up a good half of the runtime from both the killers driving the Old 37 (the ambulance's name, I believe, who knows?) and "teen's" POV and those made my mind wander so much, I have no real idea what this mess is about.

But, hey, when is it NOT great to have horror screen legends: Bill Moseley and Kane Hodder in front of the camera and very nice gore graphics? Also, no-spoilers, but I LOVED the very end. To be honest, it didn't fit the scene before, but it still was a pretty good final shot. (And the scene before, I totally got the reference, Mr. Hodder. I sure did.)

But, no amount of a Masked Hodder, a Bored Bill, gore and a great finale will save this all-over-the-place horror film. I didn't even get to the weird mother/daughter relationship.

At least, I think they were mother and daughter. They really looked like a handful of years apart in age. I'm so confused.

***

Final thoughts: Maybe this is just past my generation. I am an Old 46-year-old, myself.

It's all bait n' switch with some movie companies. You can hire a couple of 'name' stars and a competent film crew and churn out some garbage that desperate fans will show up for... and walk away cheated. But hey, you got some cash out of them and word won't spread fast enough to keep you from making back your investment plus a bit to see the next bit of cinematic snake oil.

Really, I thought the basic idea could have worked... and the actors were decent... and with modern technology and film schools churning out tech-competent students desperate to pay off their loans it's hard to make a bad looking movie... but geeez! Who wrote this crap?!!! It's dumb and dumbest right from the start. Does Moseley even read the scripts for the movies before he signs up?

Truly a waste of time, talent and energy.

Ambulence 37, death call or old 37 was not an awful film i will say. At the beginning we are thrust into these brothers world and the grusomness they can get up to. But then I feel like we have about half hour of getting away from the plot. Theres a house party at a woman called brooks house, a woman called angel taking a joy ride with others that results in danger and our main final girl Amy, who wants breast implants because of her kickboxing dancing which really gets away from this whole thing and its not really a long film. Anyway we do get into the real stuff and its decent for what it was. Acting was a little rough at times and i do feel morsely and hoder deserved better but for what it was an enjoyable horror.

Taking an "Alan Smithee" seems petty. I can't imagine what "other" direction the director had in mind for this film. I mean, what other course could this film possibly have taken? This is boilerplate horror.

I couldn't finish this movie, which for a horror film - there's just no excuse for that. Even bad horror films hold one's attention, if only via anticipation. With this plot and this cast, they had a golden opportunity to make something genuinely cool and interesting.

I figure a film with Kane Hodder and Bill Mosely as killer paramedics should be better. Its still watchable though. A quarter of the film plays like a Lifetime teen drama.