The Witches of Oz

I have never, ever written a review for anything on the internet, but after watching this poor attempt of entertainment, I felt compelled to air my views. Never in my life have I watched such utter rubbish and desperately wanted to gain the three and a bit hours of my life back...until now. I really enjoy watching films about magic, witchcraft, and those that take inspiration from old classics, so I thought this would make for some interesting, easy viewing. I was so wrong. Where to begin???

I guess I can start with my main issue; the fact that all the way through, Dorothy made me cringe and almost retch. What a PATHETIC character. The child version of her made me so angry with how weepy and pathetic and wooden she was, that I thanked God she was only on for a few minutes as I might have actually killed myself. The adult Dorothy needed a slap and a personality. I thought the Walton's 'goody goody' attitude to life was vomit inducing...until now. Why cast an actress that can't speak with any feeling, or engage with other characters? Why cast an actress who can't show any expression in her face and who's voice can only just be detected before going off into decibels only dogs can hear? I hope the creators understand what they have done and what a BIG mistake they made in casting her. In fact none of the actors in this were particularly decent, bar Christopher Lloyd, who I suspect is suffering with losing shreds of dignity from being a part of this.

The effects, sorry, 'effects', were SHOCKING. Why even bother?!

The writing was unbelievably horrendous also...you know, the more I write/rant about this, the more I find things I hated about it and wonder what I was even thinking watching more than 5 minutes of it. Maybe I was naive enough to believe a promising premise might actually deliver, and that it would redeem itself. BUT NO. I could literally go on for pages with what I dislike about it but I'll try keep it short.

If you have a few hours and fancy catching a film, PLEASE don't choose this one. You will seriously regret it. It's not even so bad it's funny...!!!!

The Witches of Oz – oh dear ! This is a Children's FILM. Some great favourite stars of mine in this, Christopher Lloyd, Jeffrey Combs, Noel Thurman, Lans Henriksen, and the gorgeous Eliza Swenson (aka Victoria Mazze) . If you're expecting a film with lots of modern effects as seen for example in "The Season of The Witch" (Nicolas Cage) then prepare to be disappointed. When fights happen, eg: Tin Man and baddie, no teeth are spat out, no bruises seen, no cuts, no grazes, nothing of this nature throughout the entire film. Not even from wand-plasma. The story is tied-in cleverly from the original, and the individual star actors acting is good as usual and expected, but somehow this film just doesn't gel. Doubtless kids will like it, esp girls I think. But I have to say that I observe that many computer games that children have seem to be more blood and gutsy. I enjoyed the modern "Alice in Wonderland" film much more. Not sure if it was an intentional plant but Christopher Lloyd is seen driving a Yellow Cab in this too. Shades of "Taxi" ? In the end what kept me watching was those beautiful big brown Mexican eyes on the pretty face of the lead Paulie Rojas (Dorothy Gale). In short it was a bit painful to sit through this LONG film, and pretty poor overall I would say.

May well be the worst thing that has ever been on TV. Not a soul got the message that in this sort of fantasy everybody has to play it completely straight. They all pancake and smirk knowingly at the camera. They all overact like they were on some crappy Disney kids show. The effects are mostly non existent. When the witches are supposedly fighting the effects are mainly off screen while the actresses wave their arms about with no exertion or effort apparent. There is an awful moment where munchkins are sword fighting and three year olds in a playground would have been more convincing. Dorothy? Well she is so bad that you realise that the only thing that might save this is if she died a horrible death. Direction is appalling. And what dolt's idea was it to have the Lion and Scarecrow play their parts as a bad impression of the actors in the 1939 movie? And the pauses. You keep getting bits where some exposition that you spotted ten minutes ago has to be explained but instead of just getting to the point the scene drags on and on and on and.... You end up screaming at the TV 'Shut up, shut up. I was bored five minutes ago now I just want to die.' The only vaguely good idea is right at the end and they even manage to screw that up. I am only writing this review in the vain hope that it will have some sort of cathartic effect and wipe the memory of this dreadful waste of everyone's time from my mind. If you missed this then thank whatever God you have and take that as a sign that there truly is a merciful God. If not then avoid it like the plague.

The Witches of Oz should had been an interesting and quirky reimagining of The Wizard of Oz story.

It is let down by some muddled storytelling, campy acting and not very good special effects.

Dorothy Gale is a children's author from Kansas. She gets an opportunity from an agent to travel to New York to develop her Oz stories for a movie.

However Dorothy finds out that the stories are based on truth. The events had happened and she and some of her companions had forgotten about their origins when they ended up in the real world.

So one of her friend is the strawman, the other is a lion and even a man of metal later turns up.

A wizard hid a magical word in a book. The word that unleashes huge powers. The book is locked and can only be opened with a very special key.

The wicked witch and Princess Langwidere are after a key that only Dorothy may know about.

This should had been an enjoyable reworking of the Oz books. Two actors from the Lord of the Rings films turn up to add to its fantasy credentials. However it was too long and too uneven. The bad outweighs the good.

Apparently, a review has to be a minimum of ten lines. This precludes the fully descriptive, yet terse, review I had in mind. For this TV limited series, a full review would be, "Garbage!"

Personally, I enjoy the re-imagining of classic stories. In fact, I give a very wide artistic license. In this case, there were some specific problems which I could not overcome. These included:

1. Horrible, stilted, inexcusable writing! Someone took the seed of an idea, crushed it under their heel and then applied Agent Orange to assure its death.

2. Wooden acting! I am usually not that hard to please but in this case, I was truly unsure at many points whether the actress who played Dorothy was being replaced by a wax figure.

3. Cruelty to a dog's career! As I watched, I noted that the dog playing Toto was immobile throughout the series. Perhaps this was done on purpose, to act as a foil to the face frozen lead actress. Still, this is a low point in the career of what may be a talented dog.

4. Horrid effects! This is 2011. The effects in this movie could easily be exceeded by an 8 year old playing on their parents' computer.

I rarely write reviews of television or movies. But this show inspired me to warn you, the potential viewer to avoid it. Do not waste any precious moments of your life on this steaming pile of munchkin excrement.