- Wichita: When you love something, you shoot it in the face... So it doesn't become a flesh eating monster.
- Tallahassee: [dressed as Santa Claus] What would you like, little girl? A pony?
- Little Rock: No, I'd actually like for you to stop calling me "little girl."
- Tallahassee: Well, technically, you are little and you're a girl.
- Columbus: [sits in Tallahassee's lap] Well, I am not a little girl, but do you know what I would like?
- Tallahassee: [pushes Columbus off of his lap] I don't give a fuck what you like.
- Nevada: [pointing a gun at Tallahassee] Start talking.
- Tallahassee: You first!
- Nevada: [loads gun]
- Tallahassee: [in a childlike voice] Hi, my name's Tallahassee.
- Reporter: [Actor Bill Murray is being interviewed at a "Garfield 3: Flabby Tabby" press junket] But the question is, why in the world Garfield 3?
- Bill Murray: Can this be just between us?
- Reporter: Yes.
- Bill Murray: Drugs cost money.
- Madison: [Columbus pushes Madison away as she's kissing him] OK, look, I've been alone in a freezer for years, so either we're doing this right now, or I'm biting the bullet and I'm doing the old guy!
- Madison: I'm like, really good at surviving. I carry a can of mace with me everywhere I go. And I can run really, really, really, really fast. Probably because I used to do, like, hot yoga and SoulCycle.
- [first lines]
- Columbus: Welcome to Zombieland. Back for seconds? After all this time? Well, what can I say, but thank you. You have a lot of choices when it comes to zombie entertainment, and we appreciate you picking us.
- Tallahassee: Now from where I stand, there's only one thing we can do.
- Civil War Bearded Guy: Group sex, right? No. Um... we'll fight them.
- Tallahassee: You'll be the first to die, but I like your enthusiasm.
- Wichita: You might die.
- Columbus: Thank you for your sacrifice.
- [after a T-800 zombie gets up after being shot twice]
- Tallahassee: One plus one still equals two, right?
- Columbus: Well, the only reason we've survived the last several years is we've gotten to know our bloodthirsty enemies better than we know ourselves. In the time since we last saw you, zombies have evolved, so we've given them different names. This lady here is getting chased by the dumbest Z there is, what we call a Homer. In a world without YouTube, who isn't entertained by a Homer?
- Tallahassee: Rules are for pussies, nothing personal.
- Columbus: How could that not be personal? That's like my whole thing.
- Tallahassee: Yeah, you're right. It was personal.
- Tallahassee: [handing Civil War Bearded Guy a mallet] Civil War General, you must know how to fight.
- Civil War Bearded Guy: Sure... poverty, sexism, social injustice!
- [Tallahassee pulls the mallet away from him]
- Columbus: But for better or worse, we were a family. And for the first time since the virus, we were living somewhere truly safe, making every day feel like, well, like Christmas morning.
- Little Rock: Wait, why does he get to be president?
- Tallahassee: Well I think would have made a damn fine president. Kissed a few hands, shook a few babies.
- Wichita: You would have brought real dignity to the office.
- Tallahassee: Thank you.
- Wichita: You don't have what it takes. I'll be president. And I nominate Little Rock as my VP.
- Little Rock: So that means I get to be president if you get killed by zombies.
- Tallahassee: [dispensing some fatherly advice] Don't do nothin' I wouldn't not do... You get what I'm saying.
- Little Rock: Not really, no.