- Maddie Barker: So, when you say date him, do you mean date him, or "date" him?
- Allison Becker: Yes.
- Laird Becker: Yeah, that's correct.
- Maddie Barker: Date him.
- Laird Becker: Date him hard!
- Allison Becker: Okay.
- [murmured to Laird]
- Maddie Barker: I'll date his brains out!
- Sara: Women have all sorts of reasons for having sex. I mean, I had sex once because I didn't want to commute in the morning.
- Maddie Barker: I've had sex with a guy to get out of playing Settlers of Catan.
- Sara: I had sex with a guy on a first date because I thought he was going to kill me.
- Jim: Jesus. You're with me now, babe.
- Maddie Barker: She's talking about you, dumbass.
- Percy Becker: Did you beat up those kids?
- Maddie Barker: No, they apologized.
- Percy Becker: I heard screaming.
- Maddie Barker: That was the apologizing.
- Maddie Barker: [after fighting a few kids in the nude] What about you? You want the business?
- Beach Bully: No, no, no, take it, take it.
- Maddie Barker: You think it's cool to steal clothes?
- Beach Bully: You need fucking help.
- Beach Bully: Call the cops.
- Maddie Barker: Stay the fuck out of Montauk!
- Gary: My sister was right about you.
- Maddie Barker: Wait, your sister who was arrested for elder abuse?
- Maddie Barker: Well, I know you were looking for someone early to mid-20s. I'm slightly older.
- Allison Becker: Right. How old?
- Maddie Barker: I just turned 29.
- Allison Becker: Recently?
- Maddie Barker: Last year.
- Laird Becker: So you're 29?
- Maddie Barker: Last year.
- Allison Becker: And how old are you, like, right now?
- Maddie Barker: One more year older.
- Laird Becker: So 30.
- Maddie Barker: Yeah. 32.
- Percy Becker: What about sharks?
- Maddie Barker: None here.
- Percy Becker: Jellyfish?
- Maddie Barker: Not in season!
- Percy Becker: It's really the lack of lifeguards that's causing an issue for me! I'm...
- Maddie Barker: Just get the fuck in here right now!
- Percy Becker: Okay, okay!
- Maddie Barker: And he's not gay?
- Laird Becker: No... We've seen his internet history.
- Allison Becker: Yeah. The porn is graphic! But, not gay.
- Laird Becker: A little gay. Large groups of people...
- Percy Becker: Pepsi please.
- Waitress (Townie Bar): We only have Coke.
- Percy Becker: Do you wanna go somewhere else?
- Maddie Barker: Come on. There's gotta be more questions.
- Percy Becker: Yes, there are, but I have to start closing up. So, um, yeah. You can come back another day, though.
- Maddie Barker: I might not want a dog another day. I want a dog *right now.*
- Percy Becker: Well, then, pet ownership may not be for you. You sound a lot like the kind of person we would normally take a dog from.
- Maddie Barker: [approaching Percy at the animal shelter] Mind if I touch your wiener?
- Percy Becker: What?
- Maddie Barker: Your dog.
- Percy Becker: Oh.
- Maddie Barker: I had this really intense dream about you last night. Don't ask.
- Percy Becker: Of course. That's private.
- Maddie Barker: Do you ever have those?
- Percy Becker: Uh, intense dreams? Um... Actually, uh, yeah.
- Maddie Barker: Tell me.
- Percy Becker: You know Harley Quinn from Suicide Squad?
- Maddie Barker: Okay.
- Percy Becker: I had this one dream where I wouldn't let her adopt a dog. So she'd locked me in one of the dog cages and dragged me back to her hideout. I kicked at the cage and screamed.
- [Maddie looks confused]
- Maddie Barker: And that made you come?
- Percy Becker: Uh... I did not.
- Maddie Barker: How the fuck is that a sex dream?
- Percy Becker: You asked me if I have intense dreams.
- Percy Becker: What other stuff have you been doing for me I don't know about? That time I beat you in basketball, did you let me win?
- Maddie Barker: No. You beat me fair and square.
- Percy Becker: What about Kyle McElroy? Kyle McElroy. The kid who bullied me. Did you have him expelled?
- Allison Becker: No. I was told it was a dream of his to go to military school.
- Natalie: Oh, my God. Next year is gonna be so much fun! I can't wait.
- [hugs]
- Percy Becker: That's so exciting. Yeah.
- Natalie: Okay. So nice to run into you.
- [to Maddie]
- Natalie: So nice to meet you, ma'am.
- Percy Becker: Okay. Whatever this is, it's done. You can't track me anymore. I'm changing my phone passcode.
- Allison Becker: To what?
- Maddie Barker: Your fucking parents are here?
- Party Mother: You think our son would have a party without our consent?
- Teen: [filming himself on phone] Yo, yo, what's going on, you guys? It's your boy, Cameron B. We are kicking the summer off right at a sick house party in Montauk.
- Teen: [also filming himself] Now me. Yo, what's up? It's me, Trash Gucci. If you or someone you know is being bullied, never be afraid to speak up. Bullying is not a...
- [Maddie steps in the background of their filming to use the beer keg]
- Teen: Excuse me, ma'am. Can you not do that while we're recording? Thank you.
- Maddie Barker: Just getting a beer, Frosted.
- Teen: [to Trash Gucci] Did she just call me Frosted?
- [he and his friend train their phones on Maddie]
- Teen: That, my friends, is what we call a bully, huh?
- Maddie Barker: Oh, no, not a phone. Someone help, I'm being filmed.
- Fern: You know what? We cannot start off the summer like this, okay? You could be a bitch any other month of the year. Be a bitch in October. Be a bitch in March. Don't be a bitch in June. Okay? These people keep our lights on.
- Jim: Maddie, you won't even rent your house out, but now you're going to rent out your vag?
- Sara: Jim, the adults are talking.
- Jim: Oh, just 'cause I'm a guy, I can't express an opinion on this?
- Sara: Exactly, yeah. Shut up.
- Maddie Barker: Yeah. You have a Road Runner tattoo covering your entire back. I don't think you should tell anybody what to do with their body.
- Sara: Nope.
- Jim: What about an OnlyFans page?
- Sara: What's an OnlyFans page, Jim?
- [first lines]
- Maddie Barker: [running out of the house] Stop! Stop! Gary, what the fuck!
- Gary: Court order for asset seizure. You gotta pay your property taxes, Maddie.
- Maddie Barker: No, this is a mistake. I'm negotiating a payment schedule with them.
- Gary: Well, I guess they're done negotiating.
- Maddie Barker: What, so they're taking my car. I'm an Uber driver!
- Gary: Not my problem.
- Athlete: Oh, yo, mami. How old are you?
- Maddie Barker: Twenty-three.
- Athlete: Damn, you old as fuck.
- Athlete: No disrespect. He loves cougars.
- Athlete: I fuck with the big cats.
- Maddie Barker: Why don't you two big cats fuck each other, then?
- Athlete: Whoa! Is that an insult?
- Athlete: Shut the front door.
- Maddie Barker: It sure is, professor.
- Athlete: Why is us having sex with each other an insult? I'm confused.
- Athlete: Say what you just said. Say that again.
- [he and his friend start filming Maddie on their phones]
- Maddie Barker: No, I didn't mean it in a homophobic way.
- Athlete: How'd you mean it, then?
- Maddie Barker: It was a joke. I'm not- I've been with girls. I'm not homophobic.
- [more teens gather to film her]
- Maddie Barker: Where the fuck did you come from? Stop filming me. No comment.
- Jim: I'm just surprised you're actually considering this, that's all I'm saying.
- Maddie Barker: I've had a one night stand before and got zero Buick Regals for it.
- Percy Becker: New boyfriend?
- Maddie Barker: He's a former cop.
- Percy Becker: Okay.
- Maddie Barker: He's had some drug addiction in the past.
- Percy Becker: Uh-huh.
- Maddie Barker: Do you want to meet him?
- Percy Becker: No!
- Maddie Barker: Well he really wants to meet you!
- Maddie Barker: What?
- Sara: Um...
- Jim: Okay. Fine, I'll do it.
- [clears throat]
- Jim: Here it goes. Uh... Sara has something to tell you.
- Sara: Thank you, Jim.
- Percy Becker: It's broken.
- Maddie Barker: Is the water on?
- Percy Becker: You have to turn the- the water on?
- Maddie Barker: Are you fucking with me?
- Maddie Barker: These people, are movin' in, trying to push ME out? Do you have any idea what that feels like?
- Gabe Sawyer, Surfing Lawyer: [raises eyebrows]
- Maddie Barker: 'Course you do. Thanks.
- Maddie Barker: God! Why couldn't you have used your rape whistle?
- Percy Becker: Why would I have a rape whistle?
- Maddie Barker: Why do you have fucking Mace?