- Helen: [sobbing] Why are smiling?
- Annie: It's just... it's the first time I've ever seen you look ugly. And that makes me kind of happy.
- Helen: [starts to laugh through her tears] I look ugly? No, I don't. I don't really look ugly.
- Annie: A little bit. You're an ugly crier. But that's okay.
- Helen: No, I'm not really an ugly crier.
- Annie: Maybe just a little bit.
- Helen: No.
- Annie: Just a little bit.
- Helen: It's just my make-up. But I still look pretty good.
- Annie: [after Helen insists the flight attendant allow Annie to use her first class seat] Help me I'm poor.
- Flight Attendant Steve: You have 3 seconds to get back to your seat.
- Annie: No one can get anywhere in 3 seconds. You're setting me up for a loss already.
- 13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: You're weird.
- Annie: I'm not weird. OK?
- 13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: Yes, you are.
- Annie: No, I'm not! And you started it.
- 13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: No, you started it! Did you forget to take your Xanax this morning?
- Annie: Oh, I feel bad for your parents.
- 13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: I feel bad for your face.
- Annie: OK... well, call me when your boobs come in.
- 13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: You call me when yours come in.
- Annie: What do you have, four boyfriends?
- 13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: Exactly.
- Annie: OK... yeah, have fun having a baby at your prom.
- 13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: You look like an old mop.
- Annie: You know, you're not as popular as you think you are.
- 13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: I am very popular.
- Annie: [sticks tongue in cheek and mimics fellatio] Oh, I'm sure you are... very... popular.
- 13-Year-Old Girl in Jewelry Store: Well, you're an old, single loser who's never going to have any friends.
- Annie: You're a little cunt!
- Annie: Whatever you say 'Stove'.
- Flight Attendant Steve: It's Steve.
- Annie: 'Stove' what kind of a name is that?
- Flight Attendant Steve: That's not a name. My name is Steve.
- Annie: Are you an appliance?
- Flight Attendant Steve: No I am a man, and my name is Steve.
- Annie: You're a flight attendant.
- Flight Attendant Steve: That is, absolutely accurate. You can close that.
- Ted: This is so awkward. I really want you to leave, but I don't know how to say it without sounding like a dick.
- Gil: Before you make those kinds of demands you should put a note on your door that says, "Do not come into my room and read my diary and wear my clothes."
- Rhodes: Do you want to tell a cop about it? We're just like priests except we would tell everybody afterwards.
- Lillian: You remember my cousin, Rita.
- Annie: Rita!
- Rita: [hugs Annie] Annie, I haven't seen you since you graduated high school.
- Lillian: She has three kids now.
- Rita: Three boys.
- Lillian: They're so cute.
- Rita: They are cute, but when they reach that age, ugh. Disgusting. They smell, they're sticky, they say things that are horrible, and there is semen all over everything. Disgusting. I cracked a BLANKET in half. Do you get where I'm going with this?
- Annie: I do, yeah.
- Rita: [gesturing] I cracked it in half!
- Lillian: Why can't you be happy for me and then go home and talk about me behind my back like a normal person?
- Helen: I went to Thailand recently with my husband, Perry, and there's a beautiful saying that I learned there.
- [Speaking Thai]
- Helen: It means, "You are a part of me, a part that I could never live without. And I hope and I pray that I never have to." Khob-kun-Ka
- [Bows to the crowd]
- Helen: khob-kun-Ka, khob-kun-Ka. And that's it for tonight! Thank you for coming!
- Annie: [interjecting] Really quick!
- Helen: Thank you all for coming. The dessert wine is out.
- Annie: I just wanted to say really quick.
- Helen: [calling out] Consuelo!
- Annie: Really quick! Speaking of Consuelo, Lillian and I took Spanish together in school. And so, I would just like to say to you and to everyone here, "Gracias para vivar en la casa, en la escuelas, en... en la azul... "markada". Tienes con "bibir" en las Fortuashla?" and gracias!
- Annie: Are you fucking kidding me?
- Annie's Mom: Annie?
- Annie: No, mom. Mother fucking Paris? I told you about Paris, Helen! I told you about this whole idea!
- Lillian: Annie, calm down...
- Annie: No, Lillian! What are you gonna go, you're gonna go to Paris with Helen now? What are you gonna, you guys gonna ride around on bikes with berets and fucking baguettes in the basket on the front of your bikes? Oh how romantic! What woman gives another woman a trip to Paris? Am I right? Lesbian! We're all thinking it, aren't we?
- Becca: [quickly] I'm not.
- Megan: I was.
- Annie: Okay! Yes, we're all thinking it, right?
- Annie's Mom: Annie...
- Annie: Lillian, this is not the you that I know! The you that I know would have walked in here and rolled your eyes and would have thought that this was completely over the top, ridiculous, and stupid! Look at this shower! Look at that *fucking* cookie! Did you really think that this group of women was gonna finish that cookie? Really, and you know that reminds me actually; I never got a chance to try that *fucking* cookie!
- [storms off]
- Becca: You are more beautiful than Cinderella! You smell like pine needles, and have a face like sunshine!
- Nervous Woman on Plane: I have to go to the bathroom but I heard about a woman who went to the bathroom on the plane - she got sucked into the toilet. Sucked right in.
- Brynn: [describing her free tattoo] It's a Mexican drinking worm. It's like a Native American symbol meaning wasted.
- Ted: I wouldn't want to make you explain what our relationship is to all those people. That would suck for you.
- Annie: Hi, I can't get off the couch. I got fired from my job, I got kicked out of my apartment, I can't pay any of my bills, my car is a piece of shit, I don't have any friends...
- Megan: [gets right in Annie's face] You know what I find interesting about that, Annie? It's interesting to me that you have absolutely no friends. Do you know why that's interesting? Here's a friend standing directly in front of you, trying to talk to you, and you choose to talk about having no friends.
- Rhodes: How long has she been gone?
- Annie: She's been missing for, like, 12 hours.
- Rhodes: 12 hours? It's not a missing person until it's at least 24 hours. Have you ever seen CSI? 24 hours. Let me get on with my job, Annie.
- Annie: Nathan... please? I really need your help.
- Helen: [peeks over] Please, Nathan?
- Rhodes: Who's this one?
- Annie: This is Helen.
- Helen: [offers her hand] I'm Helen.
- Rhodes: What?
- Annie: It's Helen.
- Rhodes: [smiles dryly] Hello, Helen. I've heard... wonderful things.
- Helen: [the women are discussing bridal shower ideas] We should throw some ideas around. See if anyone else has a theme they have in mind, or something they'd been thinking of.
- Becca: What about a Pixar themed shower? And we all come dressed as our favorite Pixar character?
- Megan: That, and I'll just snowball on top of that, also Fight Club. Female fight club. We grease up, we pull in. Lillian doesn't know, so it's, "Surprise! We're going to fight!" We beat the shit out of her. She's not going to forget that.
- Annie: [Drunk on plane, pulls open curtains to coach after getting kicked out of first class] It's called civil *rights*. This is the '90s.
- Lillian: [Has diarrhea from food poisoning and is trying to get to a bathroom] It's happening! It happened.
- Megan: I fell off a cruise ship, but I'm back
- Annie: Oh, shit.
- Megan: Yeah, "oh shit." Took a hard, hard, violent fall. Kind of pinballed down. Hit a lot of railings, broke a lot of shit. I'm not going to say I survived, I'm going to say I thrived. I met a dolphin down there. And I swear to God, that dolphin looked not at me, but into my soul, into my goddamn soul, Annie. And he said, "I'm saving you Megan." Not with his mouth, but he said it, I'm assuming, telepathically.
- Rita: [Starting to feel sick from food poisoning] You know, I don't care which dress we get. I just need to get off this white carpet!
- Annie: I'm sorry I didn't mean to waste your time... that's so embarrassing. Thank you.
- Officer Nathan Rhodes: No, you are welcome.
- [in a sarcastic tone]
- Officer Nathan Rhodes: This is kind of high octane stuff that really made me want to become a cop. Missing girl found at her apartment... it's adrenaline pinching.
- [awkward exchange of words]
- Officer Nathan Rhodes: Anyway, go and save your friend from her apartment. Bye bye.
- Lillian: You told me not to bleach my butthole, and I did it anyway, and now I love my new bleached butthole!